When His Ex Won’t Go Away

If you’ve been in the dating realm for any amount of time you’re going to rack up a few exes. It’s a necessary evil of finding the right person. No one chooses the correct person on the first go-round. We all try, fail, try and fail and try again. Perfection is gained through failure. Those that will tell you differently probably spend the majority of their time at slot machines in Vegas.

But there are times when the decisions you’ve made can come back to bite you.

Let’s say you’re a twenty-something woman and you’ve met David, the man of your dreams. He possesses all of the right qualities; he’s handsome, caring, thoughtful and crazy about you.

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com Of course you didn’t just meet him. It took several wasted years of Michael, Sabian, Tristan, and Joe for you to reach your final destination. But you’ve made it nonetheless and things are great.

One day you and your man are at the coffee shop getting your morning dose of caffeine before work when you hear a high-pitched female voice call out his name.

“David! Is that you?” The both of you turn around to see a tall brunette at the rear of the line. In an instant she’s in his arms, embracing him like you aren’t even there. Your man nervously eyes your behavior as he returns the hug.

“Oh my God! I thought that was you. How have you been?” she asks. You get an opportunity to view this woman more closely. Her well-toned body resembles a swimsuit model (you’re secretly grateful you wore your jacket, concealing your love pouch). Her hair dances around her shoulder, shimmering as she flips it back and forth. Her makeup is flawless. She’s physically what every man wants. And she’s all over your man….

As it the two continue talking you suddenly realize that they once dated. She knows what kind of coffee he drinks, all the way down to the one squirt of honey he requests. Her presence makes you take stock of yourself. You don’t seem to be anything spectacular. Outside of a nice backside and a pretty face, you’re nothing compared to this girl. Why did it end?

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com Did she break it off with him? Did she cheat on him? You’re not knocking yourself but the questions are invading your mind like a tsunami. What would make him leave such an attractive woman to come over to you?

After the two of them say their goodbyes and you and your man make it back to the car, you ask him about her. Turns out she WAS his ex.

“Don’t worry about her. She’s just a part of my past. Nothing more,” he says. You decide to drop it and move on. It’s not worth the headache in the end.

But the thing is that wasn’t the end…

After all of the reassurance from your man about her being a thing of the past, you discover that he has given her his cell phone number. She texts him regularly and when you ask your man about it he assures you that they’re just friends.

“She’s only contacting me to talk about her problems with her man.”

But you’re nobody’s fool. You realize that the more this girl makes herself present in his life, the more he’ll become accustomed to having her there.

You don’t want to come off as a jealous woman but this new “friendship” that they’ve struck up is making you uncomfortable. She calls at ungodly hours of the night, disrespectful to the fact that the two of you live together. One time your boyfriend went to hang out with his friends and she happened to show up (you know because you overheard a conversation he was having with his friend about it). You feel as though your boyfriend and you are spending less time with each other and the two of them are increasing their time together.

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com How can you change the trajectory of her presence? How can you get her moved from the “new friend” column into the “permanent and non-visible ex) column?

If this is you there is a harsh reality you need to deal with: Women and men can never be JUST friends. No matter if they’ve moved on to more important things and don’t see each other as much. That isn’t important. What is important is that eventually someone will push the boundaries. And no one will do that quicker than an ex.

You have every right to be nervous about what might happen because…. IT’S HAPPENING!

Whether you have an honest man or not, he’s definitely comparing what he had versus what he currently has. He is comparing the two of you. That is a fact.

He is also seeing how much you’ll tolerate before you put your foot down. In the back of most men’s minds there lies a desire to have their cake and eat it too. But it’s the B.S. level of the woman that dictates whether the man actually gets it. It all depends on when you want to shut him down and refuse to be disrespected.

You have every right to feel like this woman is invading your relationship. She is. And yes, she knows she is. What she’s hoping for, at the very minimum, is to cause a major disruption in your relationship. She feels as though you aren’t good enough. Or maybe she feels as though she doesn’t want to see him happy. Regardless, anytime an ex moves back into the life of her old boyfriend, she has a purpose; a bad one. She’s going to try to sleep with him. She’s going to use all of her powers to try to do so. And she doesn’t give a hoot about something as insignificant as your relationship.

Another truth is this… Your man is considering her proposition. Seriously!

So what do you do? How do you remove this old flirtatious girlfriend from his life forever? How do you get your life back in order?

Here are 5 Things You Can Do When His Ex Won’t Go Away

1.Confront your man: Sit down with your man and give him an ultimatum.

“Either you get rid of the Ex or I can get rid of you.” Let your man know that you feel disrespected by their new friendship and that it violates your current relationship.

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com Truthfully your issue is with him to begin with. The Ex couldn’t creep into your lives if he didn’t let her. Put your foot down and let him know he can step if he doesn’t end the friendship immediately.

2.Confront the Ex: Yes, I said it. Confront her. First you need to tell your man you’re about to do it because if she objects in any way, he’ll surely find out about it. Give her a call. Let her know that you want to have a conversation with her. Meet her in a quiet place and tell her you’re not comfortable with her friendship with your man. Tell her she needs to move on. Be sure to tell her your man is aware of the meeting. It gives the impression that the two of you are united in your displeasure of what she’s doing (even if your boyfriend is too chicken-hearted to admit it). If things get heated make your statement and walk off.

3.Shut down communication: This requires you to be in possession of your cell phone bill. Change the telephone numbers of your home and you and your boyfriend’s cell phones. This sends a clear message that you don’t want to be disturbed.

4.Poison your friend pool: This is kind of drastic but it’s still effective. Let all of your friends know that you’re not pleased with your boyfriend’s interference in your lives.

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com Tell them exactly how you feel and let them know that they should relay the message to her if they want. This is kind of a scorched earth thing but hey, you want your man back, right?

5.Get your girls to step to her: Once again, this is a little drastic. Get your girlfriends to speak to her and to let her know that you guys are really uncomfortable with her presence.

Ultimately you are being tortured because of your man. He refuses to move to shut down the ex. Furthermore he seems to be an enabler. But if you absolutely have to take matters into your own hands, do it. If you lose your man because you have a backbone, so be it. You were probably going to lose him to her anyway.

Originally published at www.kissymist.com on October 26, 2015.

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