The Ocean Inside Me

Illustration by inky.land

There is an ocean inside me. 
It spreads endlessly and even though it might just go from the pit of my belly to the top of my head, when looking at it from the inside it’s gigantic. Apart from my little island, I never saw any other piece of land and never was I able to reach the bottom if its depths.

Every morning after I wake up, before looking out to the world, I take a quick look inside me. Just to check what the sky looks like above my ocean and to watch the little waves for a while, listening to the gentle whistling of the wind as I prepare for the day.

Most of the time my ocean is peaceful and quiet. There are some fluffy little clouds spread over the clear blue sky and the seagulls turn their circles screeching happily while wave after wave greets the rocks at the bottom of my little lighthouse. I smile and breath in the wonderful air and then I turn out again, to the world around me. To the people and the streets and the houses. They don’t know about my ocean, but every time I am getting a little upset, I just sit at my shore for a while and calm down.

Sometimes though, I find my ocean disturbed as well. That’s when something or someone from outside was able to turn the wind over my ocean and make dark clouds collect across my sky. Then there is a storm coming. Wild waves beat up inside me, make me sway and unstable on my feet. On the outside I seem paralysed and unable to speak, while I try to deal with the ocean inside me. It can get so violent, so scary. The rain beats down and clouds full of thunder and lightning hover dreadfully over the raging water. The only thing I can do then is watch and wait until the storm goes away.

Once the sky clears up again it’s like the whole world inside me stops and holds its breath. The silence after the storm. Like nothing ever happened and no one is there at all. No seagull makes a sound and not even a little stir disturbs the surface of my ocean. Everything inside me is waiting, too scared to show, afraid that yet another storm could hit.

Sometimes someone manages to visit my ocean on a little sailing ship. You were there recently. You sailed around my ocean for a while, being part of inside me. Enjoying my waves and the breeze and all the life there. I couldn’t help some storms coming upon you. You were so close that every move could have made the depth of my ocean stir. But then the storms brought you off your way. I think you couldn’t understand how my quiet and calm ocean could be so rough sometimes. I wish you would have brought in the sails and let yourself being carried by my waves. I wish you would have trusted in my ocean to take care of you. But you didn’t bring in the sails. The wind took you away. I tried to show you that I am here and care for you, but the beam of my lighthouse couldn’t reach you. Now I can’t find you any more. I think you left the ocean. And all is quiet again. Nothing dares to move as my ocean holds its breath.

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