Poem: Oh my god, London

Oh my god, London. I can’t believe I’m finally here. 
Ready to get on a big red bus and start a new career
As an executive cracking wise, or a lawyer or someone
You usually need a degree but here you can probably just be one

Oh my god, London. I can’t believe you’re really like this
Before I’d only seen you on postcards and The Apprentice. 
I don’t know what to do first. Maybe I’ll get a train.
Underground like Hobbits? You people are insane

I just bought 200 fridge magnets with the “Mind the Gap” sign!
You know, like on tube stations. It gets me every time. 
It’ll be great when I can afford a fridge! Or not living in a debt!
Or even a place to live, but I’m not Richard Branson yet

Oh my god, London. You are magical, like Hogwarts.
I just bought a pint with a tenner, and now I’m really poor!
Amazing how money just disappears in this town.
But it’s cool though. It’s like being friends with Derren Brown

Or a thief. Or a tax collector. Still in it’s all in good fun!
I’d sell both my kidneys just to stay in dear London 
And an this rate, I may have to! Hahahahahahaha. 
Oh, I’m just being silly, it’s fine living in my car.

Oh my god, London. The home of the brave.
Or is that America.? Still there’s always Chas and Dave!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to a restaurant opening
It’s so cool, it doesn’t serve food. It’s an ironic thing.

Oh my god London, you just constantly wow. 
I wonder what it’ll be like living here a year from now…

— -

Oh my god, London. It’s you again. How apt.
Sorry it’s just that every night I pray that I’ll get kidnapped
But no. Still here in London which is still perpetually calling. 
This city’s like a one night stand I get up with every morning.

Oh my god, London. What thrills await today?
Another tube of human sloths? Another canapé?
I saw Chas and Dave the other day. But Chas wasn’t there.
He’d left him a long time ago. There’s no hope in the air.

What shall we do today, gang? Go see a giant clock?
Called Ben for some reason? Yeah I know. What a shock.
Mind the gap, in my brain where happiness used to be.
Oh yeah I gave that up because in London it’s not free.

Hey, remember money? That stuff was excellent. 
Now I sacrifice it to my Heathen god called “Rent” 
Last night I went to a bar to confirm my dereliction. 
I had to pay for my G&T with my Netflix subscription.

Oh my god, London. Why is everybody here? 
Is this the UK capital or am I living in IKEA? 
Oh my god, London. There’s just way too much stuff
And everyone’s complaining that their smoothies aren’t thick enough

Oh my god, London. If someone had just let me know
That living here’s not like a Madness music video 
Then I’d have buggered off so many, many moons ago 
But I can’t leave. There’s a really cool play happening in Soho.


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