Why I’ve only had one boyfriend: A story for all women struggling with insecurities and self-worth.

The other day I was hanging out with one of my new friends in college and, per usual, was sharing the story of me and my boyfriend. I told him that I loved Zach and saw myself marrying him. I told him how I feel when I’m around him and the comfort that comes with his presence. And he took in all this information as if he had heard the same story from every other girl who talked about their current boyfriend. But shortly after I had finished I told him a detail that had always seemed so minuscule to me; Zach was my first boyfriend ever. This hit him like a train. He honestly didn’t believe me... And to be honest, he wasn’t the first person that was floored by this fact. He truly thought I was lying… He asked me “were you ugly or something?” To which I replied “…as ugly as any other kid growing up.” Honestly troubled, he struggled to find words to describe what he saw me as or how it was even possible for me to have gone for so long without having a boyfriend or have men fall at my feet. At some point he said “you’re just blessed with a good life. You are… you are fresh.”

When I left that night I was stuck on what he said. Growing up, I was an awkward and skinny girl who slowly matured into her character and body. For years, I watched my friends get boyfriends, break-up with their boyfriends, and then get new boyfriends. In the meantime, I was sitting there, available… but somehow repellent. I had asked myself over and over “why don’t they like you? What is wrong with YOU?” And I would get frustrated with God. Thinking he was being unfair and cruel… I had utterly convinced myself that I was the ugliest person in the world. “They don’t like you because you are ugly.” As high school started, I entered with high insecurities of the way I looked and the way people saw me. I would try to talk to boys but the rejection was repetitive… along with negative attention from the wrong guys. I am a sturdy Christian girl, I never dressed provocatively or sought out that negative attention. It was just always there for me to deal with. So here I am, taking on the beginning of my high school career with lack of interested boys, negative attention, and no hope in sight. At some point I decided that I just wasn’t going to date in high school. I would just wait for college and hopefully have some luck there. At this point I still believe I’m not beautiful enough to have a boyfriend. I knew guys had found me “hot” because of the occasional “booty pic” requests over snapchat. Negative attention strikes again!!! I had established in my Junior year of high school that I need to just be comfortable in my own skin and I finally submitted to the fact that all of this HAD to have meant God had something bigger for my life, even though I couldn’t see what it was at the moment. But I didn’t think It would come so soon after I submitted to that truth.

January of my junior year, I met Zach while interviewing him for a school broadcast. Through the summer we began to see each other with the occasional ups and downs and by November he had asked me to be his girlfriend. Three months ago we celebrated our 1 Year anniversary!! Those past months have been some of the greatest of my life. I have never felt more loved and cared for than I do now. It wasn’t until I started dating Zach that I started to truly see myself as beautiful. I really loved me for me. And he saw something in me that I never saw in myself.

So I am here, dating the man of my dreams and utterly happy with my life. But I never really understood nor looked back on why I never dated anyone else. Why did God not give me the opportunity to date anyone else? Why did he not WANT me to date anyone else? I hadn’t thought about these questions since I was a sophomore until the other night with my friend. I asked God, “why DID you do that to me?” Unbelievably, while reading a book called “Purity” by Kris Valotton, it became clear why he did. He was hiding me. I felt invisible because God made me that way. God was hiding me for the right guy to come along. He was protecting my heart. And all the negative attention I received was Satan’s attempt at breaking what wasn’t his to break. And in doing so, my heart actually became stronger because it rejected that immoral temptation placed there by the devil. God protected my heart through one of the most difficult and vulnerable times for a girl to go through… and I had no idea he was doing it. It wasn’t a matter of “what is wrong with YOU” it was a matter of “THEY aren’t right for my daughter.” So I sat in my bed last night crying to the Lord. So unbelievably grateful that he hid me. I have spent no time wasted on a temporary attraction. Or had my heart broken for no reason. My heart is now and always will be God’s to break. And he gave me a boyfriend that is nothing but surrendered to that truth. God blessed me with a good life.

Ladies… please understand that when you feel invisible, YOU ACTUALLY MIGHT BE INVISIBLE!!! And this is not bad. This doesn’t devalue your worth. If anything, it makes you that much more desirable and valued!! Your heart is a prize that should be won by the kindest and purest heart. Your heart is God’s to break, not any other mans. Guard your heart with pride and take refuge in the fact that the Lord is hiding you from any unnecessary heartbreak. He knows the desires of your heart, have faith that He will find you the man that truly sees you.