Women Don’t Like Older Men as Much as Many Seem to Think

In the past year, I’ve been curious to learn online opinions about the dating world. I’ve listened to countless YouTube videos and podcasts, and read countless articles and comments from a large variety of sources. These range from dating coaches to angry male groups to personal opinion pieces.

I did not discriminate.

One thing I’ve noticed is that many (particularly male) channels and writers push the idea that men have all the time in the world to settle down. They also insist that women barely care, if at all, about age, because women are attracted to men’s resources (and the more that time goes by, the more likely the male will have more money.)

I felt compelled to write this article because I do not wish for this pervasive, damaging, and false belief to harm anyone.

The point of this article is to explore and bring awareness to the fact that young heterosexual women aren’t as crazy about age gap relationships the way it’s often suggested (notably, almost always by men.)

Therefore, the term “older men” in the title is referring to much older men, let’s say 15 years plus. Not normal age differences like 1–5 years.

Additionally, you must remember that love and lust come in all sorts of packages, so I am by no means suggesting that it’s impossible for a young woman to fall in love with, or lust after, an older man.

But before I continue, it is really important to me that you understand that this is not some sort of angry “I hate men” piece. It’s actually the exact opposite, as you will see.

I’m aware that you can only insinuate the author’s tone when reading, so I want to clarify that everything you will read here is written in a neutral tone, even if I am specifically referencing something that has annoyed me.

I’d like to begin by specifically addressing the people who spew the idea that men’s sexual desirability peaks at 50, and that men “age like fine wine.”

Science Advances, an open-access scientific journal, published an article named Aspirational Pursuit of Mates in Online Dating Markets, where the researchers studied male and female desirability and behaviour in the online dating world. (I highly suggest reading it to better understand this article.) This study also mentioned that male attractiveness peaks at age 50. Ever since its release, articles, male podcasts, and Red Pill Community videos and comments have spread this statement like a wildfire.

For example, the study has been referenced in the well-intentioned but fallacy filled podcast, The Roomates, and notable sources such as The New York Times and The Atlantic. Moreover, the idea that men are sexiest at 50 has been presented as a fact in many comments and videos that I won’t be referencing. This is to avoid generating views for butthurt, spiteful men, who spend their time creating content that conveys their disdain for women. Think of all those YouTubers that make dating videos with a constant focus on how much women suck, while simultaneously teaching men how to use them for sex, and you’ll know who I’m talking about.

In order to prove that young women don’t frequently drool over older men as suggested, I must first explain the problem with the study:

The researchers did a great job of accounting for many variables, including the quantity and estimated desirability of the people contacting the subjects, and the gender ratio in each city. They also carefully selected the locations of their research (New York, Boston, Chicago, and Seattle) keeping the demographic statistic in mind. Furthermore, they restricted their access to active users, which they defined as users who sent or received at least one message during the observation period.

However, some crucial factors are missing.

Nowhere did the study state the specific ages of each user, thus we do not know the exact age of each woman that showed interest in the 50 year old men.

Second of all, the paper never explained exactly how the dating site worked. The only website information provided was that it was a popular online dating site with no aim at specific groups of people (which was observed for one month, from January 1st-31st in 2014.) Was there no swiping involved? Was messaging analyzed between users because you can only contact through messaging? If it works the way Tinder does, where you can only message someone after you’ve both swiped for each other, studying the messaging without accounting for the swipes is an important missing factor.

It also would’ve been nice to know if the dating site was paid or not, because free sites, like Tinder, are often filled with people merely escaping boredom. In my personal experience, even on paid apps, many people message someone because they’re bored, or to kindly let them know they’re not interested. In other words, messaging and replying doesn’t always indicate sexual attraction. Surely the researchers couldn’t have spied on the content of people’s messages!

Thirdly, how many people have changed their age restriction on a dating app after being unsatisfied with the initial options in their actual desired age range? This too was not, and could not be accounted for.

And last but definitely not least, even though the researchers only evaluated accounts that selected romantic interest as their option, you never know what anyone’s actual intentions are. No matter what’s been clicked on their settings. Everyone knows that men click “romance” when their true intention is to smash and dash, the same way some women click “romance” when their true intention is free food, or at least, giving someone a chance because they have money. Given that 50 year old men tend to have more resources, it makes sense that these types of women would be engaging with them, especially because they’re more likely to fork some cash over than a sexy 28 year old that’s got a lot of options.

I personally know a handful of conventionally beautiful women whose Instagram-perfect lives are actually funded by older men they never would have messaged back, let alone slept with, if prospective Coachella tickets and Michael Kors bags were not involved. And in case you haven’t clued in on this by now, where do you think they met these men other than online?

It certainly would have been interesting if the study controlled for the income and debt of both parties, but even then, people lie.

Here’s some more food for thought:

If we’re going to use the basic evolutionary biology argument, that I’ve heard so many of the aforementioned defensive men use, it still doesn’t make sense for young women to get wet for 50 year olds. And older women, even less so.

Historically, infertility has always been blamed on women, just like, well, all the other problems of the world. But in recent years there have been more studies on the role men play in conception, and it’s been proven that their age and overall health are a significant factor too.

And doesn’t this makes sense, considering that 50% of DNA comes from each parent?

Even though male fertility doesn’t have such a strict cut off the way it does for women, and there are certainly old men who have created healthy babies, it still declines with age. The article I’ve linked to this sentence is but one of many. There are numerous credible sources that explain the effects of male age on fertility (feel free to google them.)

To sum it up, sperm quality and motility decline with age, which means the older the man, the harder it’ll be to get a woman pregnant. Also, the chances of pregnancy complications, miscarriage, stillbirth, and physical or mental defects in the child, such as autism and bipolar disorder, increase with male age. Testosterone levels too begin to decline, along with a man’s natural ability to get an erection. So why exactly would young women be vying for men in their 50s over men in their 30s??

Oh wait, there’s more. After a woman is 35–40, it becomes much harder to get pregnant with an older man, and easier with a younger one. In that case, wouldn’t it make evolutionary sense for older women to only desire sex with younger men?

Furthermore, here are some noteworthy personal experiences:

I have not met a single girl or woman who liked the idea of dating an older man. And again, I’m not saying they don’t exist, it’s just that I’ve never met one. Of everyone I’ve discussed it with in my lifetime, I’m actually the only one who’s been more open to age gaps (i.e. dating a guy 10 years older.)

When I was 22, I mentioned to my roommates that I started noticing guys around 28–30. That’s really not even that much of a gap. Yet I was immediately met with “eww, that’s old!”

Another time, when I was on a trekking trip, I was super attracted to a guy that was 29, and he honestly had such beautiful features, I was shocked that anyone could not find him attractive. Nevertheless, most of the 22 year olds proceeded to explain how they don’t see it because he’s old.

Fairly recently, looking for the love of my life ended with me being tricked into dating an older man. I was 23, and he was 43. He lied about his age and wrote 35 on his dating profile. Even though I considered 35 to be a lot, I thought I might as well give it a chance (because hey, you never know.)

Upon meeting him, I noticed something was off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Needless to say, the truth came out when it was time to celebrate his 44th birthday. I was super pissed, but it also started to make sense. I now understood why he looked a bit off to me, it just never occurred to me that anyone would lie about their age! And if you’re wondering, for a multitude of reasons I won’t get into, we’re not together anymore. Anyways, the whole point of this tale is to query, why would he lie about his age if men peak at 50? He still had 7 years to go.

Finally, the more rights a female has, the more average marital age disparity decreases.

Let me reword that.

The less women have to depend on men, the younger the men they marry. The less women have to depend on men, the more they get a say in who they marry.

Even dismissing the obvious examples in countries filled with voiceless women and girls, this has proven to be true with the increase of female independence in the past couple of decades. Age discrepancies now are far fewer and smaller than they were just 30 years ago.

Could it be possible that human rights and financial freedom allow females to choose partners they’re actually attracted to? Or did teenagers lust after men 26 years their senior until independence magically damaged their brains, making them suddenly choose males around their age?

I believe my point has been made.

So here’s the problem with spreading the false premise that teens and adolescents just love older men:

(In case you’ve forgotten, I’m still referring to men around 15 years+ when I say older.)

As aforementioned, the whole reason I’m writing this article is to stop people from being harmed by this false premise.

I don’t want women to say yes to relationships they’re not comfortable in, just because it’s been shoved down their throat that it’s normal.

It also makes me sad when I hear male dating videos, including The Roommates Podcast, who are truly well-meaning, preach about men’s desirability peaking at 50. I don’t want men to wait around thinking they’ll get the best, young match when they’re that old, only to realize it might be too late. And I certainly don’t want them lying about their age to young women, the way I was lied to.

I don’t want men to believe they need to have money in order to be loved. If a woman didn’t love you when you made 50k, she won’t love you when you make 200k. That’s called loving your money.

I don’t want men to get screwed over and have unhealthy kids, or have to watch their wife suffer a miscarriage or stillbirth. I think it’s worth mentioning that the one man I know who entered fatherhood at 58 and 60 now has to deal with physical growth issues in both kids, and autism in the younger one.

So although conventional beauty standards and basic biology have certainly given men a bit more leeway with aging, it still has its limits.

Please, angry Red Pill video makers, random commenters, and well meaning people of the earth, stop preaching that “men age like wine.” Unless you think wine gets a beer gut, saggy balls, and needs to put sunscreen on its head.

Because that’s the reality for most men.

Even the common examples of men that aged well are plagued with hair plugs and expensive suits that hide the effects of sunshine and gravity.

I’m not even saying a saggy, bald, fit or fat man can’t find love. And I’m not saying his true love can’t be a young woman. I’m just saying he shouldn’t expect his money to cause heaps of fertile adolescents to covet him, the way it’s often illustrated.

Those would be purely transactional relationships anyways, and I don’t think anyone is better for them.

I also want you to remember that despite what any dating study says, there is always someone for everyone, and this article has not been written to put older men down.

There’s certainly more to sex than optimizing reproductive success, and there’s certainly more for science to uncover about lust and love, so as long as one aligns with their truest self, one will find their perfect match.

Nevertheless, it’s time to stop pushing harmful narratives, and analyze information before we share it.

Take care,