Love Bias


“Do you have a boyfriend?”


I often get that question. Who we are expected to fall in love with might be the most common bias of them all. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. This blog post has been in my draft folder for several months.
I obviously have a hard time talking about this and an even harder time understanding it. But I think I understand now. Some people fall in love with people. I will tell you what I mean with that. I will go to the extreme end on the spectrum of my open mind, maybe even nudge on the edge to being out of my mind?

What happens if we put some logic structure to who to love?

The default is equation 1. There are a few different ways you can arrive at equation 2 or 3. Either you just know or you figure out where you belong later in life. Or you just never feel that you belong.

I always assumed I was equation 1, as I guess most of us do without further reflection. But then one day in 2010, she showed up in my life and I was lost.... Trying to accept this, I did the only thing reasonable, deep denial in combination with extensive partying (do not recommend). The only way to face it is to deal with it. It forced me to challenge everything I thought I knew about myself. Millions of people have gone through similar journeys but it felt extreme to me. I could not sleep, I could not work, I could not study, I could not think of anything else. I could not ignore it.

The more I thought about this the more confused I got. We humans tend to label most things. It is how we cope with the complexity of reality. But who wants to get a label filled with preconditions slapped to the forehead?

I have never felt that labels match who I am. I am just Sofie. I struggled. I was confused. It took many years to arrive at my own way of looking at it.

It is not about if you are a boy or a girl, have blue eyes or brown eyes, is tall or short, got black skin or white skin, is old or young, work as an engineer or as a dancer. It is about being open to fall in love with people. What matters is if you can feel the butterflies. If all those songs about love all of a sudden is about you. If your backpacks with experiences from life match up. If it is meant to be.

After reading this, some of you will move on with life. But some of you might take a moment to reflect. Only living and feeling in the box that the structure of society told you to live and feel in — what did you miss out on? Even if it was freaking scary, the world feels bigger and more exciting than ever. Getting rid of the box changed my life. Will it change yours? Maybe you don’t feel like being that radical today but at least stop asking about boyfriends / girlfriends and ask about relationships/partners/people instead. A small step towards a future where love is truly free.

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