Come on kids, gather round. Oh, fuck no, we’re not playing Monopoly. No way, no how. I’m going to tell you about the old days. The 1980's! Yeah, that’s right, what your grandpa goes on and on about, the golden ages with that doddering old fuck Ronald Reagan. You know what, back then, I thought ‘fuck that guy’, and unlike a lot of my sorry-ass sell-out contemporaries, I stayed on message, and I still say ‘fuck that guy’. And you can quote me on that. F as in Fred, U as in umbrella, you get the drift.

So yeah…put your fucking iPad down! Get out of here with that Pocket Edition Minecraft shit. In my day we had Zork. The Great Underground Empire. And this is no walking uphill to school both ways sob story, it was better then. We didn’t have to craft a lamp, all we had to do was GET LAMP. Because if you didn’t GET LAMP, you died. A Grue would eat you. What’s a grue? How the fuck would I know? They lived in total darkness, and they ate you before you could get any kind of feel about what’s their motivation, their hopes and dreams, etc, etc. Like zombies? Sure, whatever.

You know what else? We didn’t have Facebook. We spread our dubious, un-vetted information on BBSes, via TEXTFILES. They were files, consisting simply of TEXT, and you read them. They’d tell you how to make bombs or get free long distance phone calls, and some of them had really regressive homophobic AIDs jokes, because, again, don’t listen to your grandpa, the 80s really sucked in a lot of ways, basically with crack and AIDS you didn’t exactly need a 3rd strike to define the decade as one of the worst ever.

However old people sometimes can’t help but think about the old days because they were a lot younger and even if they have managed to keep their health shit together than basically 90% of the people they went to high school with (citation: Facebook) generally it feels better to be young than old, and a little nostalgia is inevitable in order to remember those days. Besides, back then if you connected to other computers and sent messages back and forth with people you never met, it was some revolutionary, next level shit your sorry-ass classmates wouldn’t even begin to experience until 10 or 15 years later. So here you go: textfiles.com. I was there! And don’t follow the directions for making bombs.

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