When a Man Leaves You in Increments
S left me in increments. First went his morning texts. Next went his Saturday night visits; then that old, exhausted smile that came after sex. Every absence fed a new insecurity in me. I knew he was erecting a wall between us. I just couldn’t define it because he wanted to leave me slowly, without any dramatic door slamming to make it permanent. Shutting the damned thing in one grand gesture would have required him to commit to my absence, and he was as commitment-phobic about leaving as he was about staying.
And so our last months together were a series of retractions. He took back our weekday dates and the flowers he used to pick on the way to my front door. He withdrew his kisses and dismissed every request for an explanation.
There was no leaving. There was no pain.
His absences were just in my imagination, he said, so I slowly learned to doubt my own grasp of reality.
When a man leaves you slowly, he freezes you in doubt for the duration of his abandonment. You’re not single, but you’re not involved in a relationship either. You’re not loved, but you’re not unloved. You’re in purgatory, and there will be no closure until he vanishes for good.
That can take months. Hell, sometimes, it even takes years.
The lack of finality was maddening. I became toxically, obsessively aware of every choice he made, as though if I just paid enough attention, I could read his mind. I drowned in retracted kisses and cancellations, never having enough truth to know my own relationship status. I hated what we’d become, but I loved him. I couldn’t bring myself to leave until he told me why…
… and that was the one thing he just wouldn’t give me.
When a man leaves you by slamming a door, he gives you the luxury of closure. It’s rarely easy, but it’s always easier than being left in small, indecipherable steps. You don’t get to cry over the loss of someone you still have, so you float around in an ocean of doubt, never knowing why it feels as though he’s never really there.
My sense of peace left me in increments, too. First went my control over my life. Next went the pleasure I took from small moments. I began to hate myself for my uncertainty.
He left eventually, spreading our relationship out in front of me like a silk scarf. Finally, I could see the reasons behind all our arguments. I could see why I’d felt so much doubt. I could regain my trust in my own perceptions and cry all the tears he’d denied me for months.
When a man leaves you in increments, you forget what you deserve. You’re so obsessed with his small abandonments that you lose sight of the fact that you’re worth more than this. You’re worthy of a man who’s present — one who wants all the kisses and the long, sexy weekends and the sweet Monday morning texts.
When a man leaves you in increments, you forget that you can shut the door all by yourself.
