Over the last month I’ve been watching a new social media site try to develop policies to protect their users. One of the first questions asked of them was “Will you ban people who have a history of abuse on other sites?” Their answer makes sense on the face of…

The Pussy Test says you get a new cat for every day you go without a date (or something like that.) As a dog addict who’s literally never owned a cat, I was safe from getting labelled a spinster… … but then I got adopted by a cat. His name…

Fear and misinformation go together like green eggs and ham. When you’re in Fuck Everything And Run mode, all the blood rushes out of your brain and into your inner idiot. If you’ve ever had a near-car pile-up, you’ll know that terror and logic don’t go together very well. They…

Depression swallowed everything. I threw my career down its throat, and then my friends, and then my self-esteem. Depression is a hungry giant, and once it’s eaten your mind, it will take your body. That’s what came next. By the end, I was half-dead. Then someone knocked on the door. …

You could always tell when Bobby Dog was about to have a Love Attack™. He’d start whining frantically. Then he’d stare at you as though you were a pile of hamburgers, and his tail would start spinning in circles like a windmill. Once the tension felt like torture, he’d explode…

Marloth Park is a residential area that shares a fence with the Kruger Park. It has its share of herbivores, so you’ll get within metres of giraffes, zebras, and kudu. If a warthog sticks his head into your dining room, they call it “Just Another Wednesday.” The residents often put…

Ryan the Gosling was hand-reared by the kinds of parents who come up with names like Ryan the Gosling. His mom and dad rescued him, then taught him how to fly on the estuary outside my home. Once he’d grown old enough to wander the town on his own, he’d…

Last year, I met a handsy man we’ll call J. He’d touch your leg when he was driving. He’d stroke your back while you were washing the dishes. Every interaction was accompanied by hands. Hands, hands, hands. J and my best friend, P, shared a visit that week. P sat…

I have a dysfunctional brain. I misidentify my own acquaintances in shopping malls. I lose my way home and forget my clients’ requests an hour after they make them. Someone threw my brain in a frying pan two decades back, and it’s been simmering ever since. I’ve had enough seizures…