I Hate The Battle of Winterfell So Much That I Rewrote It
I spent all day yesterday in a haze, catching up on Game of Thrones. I’m just cheap enough to wait until I only have to pay HBO GO for one month
And…
(Spoilers, duh)
And holy shit, do I hate the Battle of Winterfell.
Wait.
Let me be clear.
I don’t hate the acting. Or the directing. It was stunning, top-notch, dynamite stuff. I absolutely loved seeing Rory McCann go to the Hound’s dark place again, and watching Jon and Dany continually get out-dragoned. Kit Harington’s big screaming faceoff with Zombie Viserion was fantastic, especially considering that he was on a soundstage yelling at tennis balls on sticks. Alfie Allen’s big final scene as Theon… sob! Emilia Clarke has always been hit-and-miss for me, but she sold me hard on Jorah’s death and the horror of almost seeing Drogon get ant-swarmed by zombies. Sophie Turner and the reliably brilliant Peter Dinklage, sayings so much with just looks in the crypt! Also, credit to Vladimir Furdik for playing the ridiculously stoic Night King, against the ridiculously stoic Bran of Isaac Hempstead-Wright.
And can we say WHOA to the visual effects artists? The dragons have gotten better and better each season, but this is the first episode I’ve seen where they were as alive, fully realized, quirky and realistic and integrated as anything living. Those shots above the clouds! The aforementioned Drogon-and-the-zombie swarm! Smaug who?
The lighting, the use of smoke, the ashes and snow and the aerial shots… wow.
SO WHY WAS IT SO. BADLY. WRITTEN.
??!??!!!!???!!
I’ve chatted on Facebook with some who have objected to the idea that a fantasy with dragons, White Walkers and giants needs to have smart medieval tactics. I think that’s rather silly. Do you still respect Jon Snow after seeing him throw away Dothraki troops (and make them into zombies in the process)? Characters should be competent. Can you respect him for just sticking every single living person in the way of Bran?
Plus, Game of Thrones has always worked because it is medieval. The Red Wedding happened because Robb’s army needed to cross a bridge! The Blackwater was won with medieval fantasy tactics — basically Greek fire on fantasy steroids. The Battle of the Bastards was based on the Battle of Cannae. I’m amazed that anyone can look at this series, at the castles, horses, kings, queens and dynastic rituals, and say “but it’s fantasy!”
That said, the battle should have used medieval tactics that didn’t work, because the Dead act more like a host of unkillable fire ants than they do a medieval army.
So here’s what I would have done in that writer’s room:
Jon and Dany need to attack the Dead while they’re on the move, with the dragons. Therefore they need:
1- Cavalry. Cool. They have the Dothraki.
2- The dragons, and the dragons need to be fresh and not tired and “out of fire” if that happens
3- A way to distract Zombie Viserion.
And then they need all of that to go wrong. Wrong in spectacular fashion.
So the episode should have started with an attempt to force the Dead through a bottleneck during their trip south. Maybe that nice romantic ravine where Jon & Dany went for a ride? That’s what we in the business call “resonance,” in which one thing suddenly works unexpectedly for another.
Dothraki flank the Dead and force them down into a ravine. Dany and Drogon are going to distract Zombie Viserion, try to aerial-battle over to where the Unsullied are going to fire dragonglass trebuchets from some cliffs. Jon and Rhaegal are waiting to try and flame most of the Dead once the Dothraki have managed to get them into a bottleneck.
It all goes to shit when the Night King calls up a storm. The Dothraki aren’t used to winter weather, Dany can’t see, and then the White Walkers themselves pick off enough Dothraki to zombify them. Suddenly Dothraki are fighting dead Dothraki, and they can’t force their own dead into the ravine.
A big heap of the Dead hit the end of the ravine, a frozen lake where Jon and Rhaegal wait. Rhaegal flames on, burns all the Dead, flames reaching way, way up the ravine and…
They boil out of little caves and crevasses. Remember those sexy waterfalls? Turns out the Dead can swim. They come shooting out from under the ice of the frozen lake, start pulling Rhaegal down, and he has to take wing, try to flame more of them, but there’s too damn many.
And then the zombie Dothraki on their horses go galloping off toward Winterfell. Rhaegal gets tired, starts to run out of flame — he wasn’t eating enough in the last episode, after all. Shiiiiit. OH LOOK, STUFF WE SET UP IN THE LAST EPISODE MATTERS.
Dany almost gets the Night King, right in the path of the Unsullied’s trebuchets — but Drogon is wounded, wing ragged and barely flying and she can’t bear to lose another dragon. She lands. Zombie Viserion and the Night King fly off for Winterfell.
The Unsullied are packing up to march like crazy. No, Dany says. Wait. Give them enough time to reach the walls. WTF? We’ll see.
Horrified, now with the dragons exhausted, Jon has no choice but to try and hide in Winterfell. Rhaegal gets some of the zombie Dothraki on the way, but this is now one tired dragon. Dany orders Jon to put Rhagon behind Winterfell’s walls. No more risking the dragons. She can’t lose another.
Jon disobeys her, tying into the previous episode, showing independence just after he’s revealed he has a claim to the throne. Takes Rhaegal out again just as the dead reach Winterfell. The dragon is too tired to fly and can’t flame and Jon looks like the biggest prat ever as he just barely dodges another dragon-killing spear.
Melisandre saves their asses by flaming on the flame-fence.
The Dead arrive and start to boil over the walls, into the courtyard. Dany has a reserve, though. Right when the White Walkers approach, come into the battle, the Unsullied attack from the rear like a hammer — and go straight for the white walkers. They get one with dragonglass. Another. Another! They kill half the entire WW crowd! There’s only three WWs left! BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE FOR THE WHITE WALKERS WITH THE DRAGONGLASS FROM THE DAMN BEGINNING.
But the Night King waves his hand, and suddenly you’ve got zombie Unsullied turning on Unsullied.
Viserion attacks Drogon, who is defending the exhausted, wounded Rhaegal. Drogon is himself wounded, but he is a badass, and he and Dany rise to the fight. Huge dragon battle, Night King falls, Dany almost manages to take down Viserion but instead Drogon is swarmed by more zombie ant-people. Viserion’s fire breath actually ices shit over and makes the walls (which the defenders are flocking to while the dead invade the courtyard) super brittle, so they can’t cling to the walls anymore. BECAUSE THEY WERE SMART AND THEY KEPT TO THE HIGH GROUND ON THE WALLS. Winterfell crumbles right under them. The ceiling of the crypts falls in, turned to icy dust, under the weight of wights.
Go for their eyes! everyone says. Dragonglass will kill the wights if you get them right in the eyes!!! The Night King waves a hand and the wights rip off their own fingers and stick them in their eyes to block the shots.
They’re fucked. Everyone’s dead. Night King is coming for Bran. Jon is facing Viserion. Lyanna dies fighting the zombie giant.
Arya goes at the NK like a badass. Boom.
AND WE CARE ABOUT CHARACTERS WHO AREN’T STUPID ENOUGH TO THROW EVERYONE’S LIVES AWAY.
