Why Does Sex Replace Men’s Ability to Feel Basic Emotion?

Okay, so to answer that rhetorical question: It doesn’t. But everyone likes to act like it does. I almost feel bad for men, except that generally speaking, their sexual behavior and controlling attitude got us to where we are now. Almost anyone given immediate control, will exercise it. By now we all understand that men certainly do. Whether it be in education, in the workplace, in a relationship, or even in siblings.

On the radio this morning I was listening absently to the Steve Harvey Morning Show, which I don’t usually mind. If you don’t already know, they read off what is called a Strawberry Letter, which is a letter from a listener discussing a (relationship) problem they are having. A woman wrote today that she was upset with not having sex with her boyfriend anymore. They’ve been together for a year and they had sex frequently for the first few months, but they both gained weight and the activity has stopped. She is apparently, a very sexual/physical person and expects sex from him so this is a very serious issue for her. Upon asking him about it, he said that he’s “just not attracted” to her “like he was at first”. Still, she’s trying to pull through because they “love” one another. Apparently. She’s contemplating cheating on him, but she feels guilty about it.

One of the female hosts begins to give the writer feedback about this issue. I was astounded at how sexist, demeaning, and horrible the advise was. Especially from a fellow female!

She began by saying “You know… men are very visual creatures”. This is the exact moment my short fuse was lit. She goes on to say that “we all want to look sexy for our man”, and that just because he says he isn’t attracted to her anymore, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her. There are so many problems with this already. SO many. First of all, humans are collectively visual creatures. That is why we have eyes. Men are simply used to approaching others like an unlimited buffet — because they were always allowed to. Trust me, it is very-much-so within a man’s ability to look at a female without undressing her in his imagination. Furthermore, his rating of her body is not something she needs to concern herself with. I was absolutely enraged to hear as the host continues to give terrible advise, “Obviously what you’re doing isn’t working. So try something different. Lose the weight. Not just for him, but for both of you”. Is it rocket science to piece together how wrong this is? Why can’t a fellow woman recognize that maybe whoever she is with, is simply not right for her. He claims not to be attracted to this woman anymore simply because she gained weight, but we forget that he gained weight as well. We also seem to forget all-together that women are humans, and we do not exist to meet a man’s ideals. That is not love. That is shallow, immature, and demeaning. She should not need to lose weight in order to appear attractive to him again. They are both in their mid-to-late 30's! If you’re planning on being with someone long-term, the body is going to change. And it will change a lot. This is natural. His “innate male visual senses” are not what is getting in the way of their physical relationship or emotions. It’s just that he’s an asshole. Normal men are very able to love someone despite the number on the tag of their pants…. in case people still didn’t realize that.

Men being “visual creatures” is not a fact of life. Like most other things we use to make women feel horrible about themselves, it is just learned behavior. It can be broken.

This lady wants to cheat on her boyfriend anyway! Must there be more implication for her to just end it and stay away from him? This whole story is full of red flags. She — and everyone else, if that is what they want— deserves someone who will actually love her, and have sex with her because he loves her. Weight is not a variable in this situation. It never should be. Because it is 100% his problem that he can’t see his partner as a person.

Let’s stop giving him or and other men excuses to not put forth effort or give their partner the love that they deserve. Male or female, we are all human and have the capacity to feel emotions with our hearts and not our genitals. So please! Fellow females! Stop giving women blatantly unhelpful, hurtful, advise! This is one of the biggest issues that keeps us from moving forward. We need to be smarter about this. There are more than enough people instilling gender roles on us and putting us down for not living up to them. Women need to stop being part of that force, and dedicate their voices to something bigger and help our girls.