6 reasons my kid is going to be a golf superstar
I feel like this column can go without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway. My kid is going to become a golf superstar. This idea became very clear to me when I was watching Rickie Fowler, Jordan Spieth, Justin Thomas, and Smylie Kaufman have the time of their lives in the Bahamas this weekend on Rickie’s snapchat story. I’m sure a lot of you guys probably had the same thought watching four guys presumably get drunk as hell and play 18 at one of the nicest golf courses in the Bahamas in just their swim trunks.
Now, of course I’m not going to be “that dad” and pressure my kid into something he doesn’t want to do but I’m sure after I show him this column he’ll completely understand. A lot of you guys might think that SEC quarterback is the best path for your son, but I’m here to tell you you’re dead wrong. Here’s why:
1. Women
The number one goal for a man is most definitely a hot wife. What do they always say? Hot wife equals happy life, or something like that. If you play professional golf you’re pretty much bound to have a hot wife. This has always been true, and always will be true. Just look at Jason Dufner, Jason Day, Jordan Spieth, Webb Simpson, and of course Dustin Johnson. I even catch no-names walking off the 18th green with one of the hottest smokeshows I’ve seen.
2. Money
What is the number two goal for a man? The cash. Money is not a problem for golfers. Of course Tiger Woods led the Forbes highest-paid athletes list for a record 11 times, but there’s money for everyone on tour. It’s hard to get the exact numbers because most of the money is made through endorsements, but it’s very clear that these guys make a lot of money playing on the tour. Smylie Kaufman, a 24 year-old rookie on the PGA Tour, was able to pack his bags and set off to the Bahamas for a week with an estimated one month in advance warning (Rory McIlroy’s texts with Rickie were labeled as sent on March 29th).
3. You get to play golf for a living
I think this is one of the most underrated reasons. There are plenty of people in the United States that spend their days sitting in a cubicle daydreaming about playing at the local muni and practicing their swing in the elevator. These guys get to play the best golf courses in the world everyday and get paid to do it. They also get to do whatever the fuck they want on the golf course as we could see on Rickie’s snap story. Participating in shenanigans on the golf course like you own the damn thing is definitely a Total Frat Move.
4. The bond with the buddies
For practice these guys go out and play golf with their best friends. The stories that some of these guys tell about practice rounds makes it hard to believe that these guys actually play golf living. They’re also presumed to bet loads of money during their practice rounds. Especially alleged illegal gambler Phil Mickelson.
5. The ability to play intoxicated
Golf is easily the best sport to play fucked up. Everyone knows about the golf stereotypes of getting hammered and smoking cigars and some of the players on tour like to live up to this stereotype. John Daly is known for ripping heaters while playing in tournaments and used to be known to enjoy a Jack and Coke while on the course. I’m sure he wasn’t the only one.
6. The Frattire
In this day and age, we’re so used to seeing professional athletes dress like idiots. In golf, they take it back to the ol’ trusty khakis and polos. I think this directly correlates to reason #1 because the women love a nice polo, we all know that. Golfers are always going to be the best dressed athletes, and it’s very important that my son won’t be rocking genie pants any time in his lifetime.
My son’s future profession honorable mention: Punter/kicker, SEC Quarterback, and hockey player.
