Ways to answer questions if you are a politician
I reject the premise of your question.
I abhor the structural and ontological basis of your interrogation because I, a man on a corflute, once encountered the perfect, Platonic premise of a question during a microsleep at the wheel of a tour bus filled with theoretical physicists. This perfect form resembles none of the questions you, a journalist, have asked in this press conference because you have not seen what I have seen. Specifically, I have seen a team of fat-tailed dunnarts commandeer and financially ruin a Coffee Club. I have seen Paula Deen shiv a paying customer on one of her own-themed cruises. Your premise is irrelevant.
I don’t think that is what I actually said
What I said is subject to the multiple revisions of my own imperfect memory. Each memory recalled is a memory degraded, as structures in the brain reconstitute the proteins. There is no pure version of those events, no standard kilogram for the contents of my mind. You say transcript I say postscript. I worship at the altar of subjective experience and you are a godless interloper in my tradition, a cavorting, human gnostic gospel with a tape recorder. How very dare.
Well, Leigh, can I just say
Post hoc ergo proptor hoc. Since my statement here follows your question there, it does not mean my answer is at all related to the question. It’s a logical fallacy, Leigh. I designed it that way myself. I’m a magician. Classic misdirection. You look left and suddenly we’re repackaging and re-announcing the same set of funding! It’s like offering rabbit and veal on the menu and hoping you only order one of them. I heard what you said and took a swan dive into this here lake to pluck from the silty bottom a tasty morsel. Higher taxes! Yes, Leigh, I know you asked me how my wife Lucy is going but I saw you coming, swatted you away with the precision lunge of a child recovery expert. I’m so good at this.
They have questions to answer here
They do, oh indeed they do. And the questions they ought to answer are these: do you think we would have school emu parades if more people knew we fought and lost a war against 20,000 emus in the early 1930s? What about all the gay kids who never got to make mix tapes for the people they really loved in high school? If absence makes the heart grow fonder will anyone on this planet love more than the first to make it to the bottom of the Mariana Trench?
I’ve already answered that question
It’s true, I answered it during an obscure forum in 1994 with several women from the CWA, a priest and an escaped convict from Goulburn supermax who legged it during a conjugal visit, angering both the state and his partner of 12 years. There is no record of this meeting but as I said I have already answered the question.
Last question
I called last question three questions before the press conference even began, triggering a series of temporal paradoxes which have resulted, I am very sorry to say, in Donald Trump.
We’ll take questions on the subject of the announcement before moving on to other issues
I’m just going to keep asking “are we done with this yet” whenever I get a difficult question. It’ll be a kind of auction but for journalists who want to bid themselves out of the bigger picture. Oh, and by the way, the announcement is a $50,000 grant for this local community to build a Big Something and we’re going to take 27 questions on this straight. Also all the other big things were taken so they’re going to build a slightly larger version of the current deficit.
