My Monster

Shortly after my mom left my dad a monster appeared. I was only 12 at the time and it didn’t really do anything, just quietly followed me everywhere I went. The monster would come every other month just to visit, so I wasn’t really worried when it showed up because I knew it wouldn’t stay long. Then, at the age of 13, my mom told me she was pregnant with my little brother. For the next nine months the monster began to show up once a week, checking up on me to see how I was doing. My monster gave me comfort, how could my mom just leave my dad and then be pregnant with another guy. But when my little brother was born the monster went away for a while. My younger sister and I were never really that close growing up. She was only a year younger than me but she was prettier and skinner and she knew it. The monster protected me from every insult she threw my way:

“You’re fat!” “PIZZA FACE!!”

The monster would just take each insult and eat it all up so I couldn’t feel the hurt anymore; it was like my own little body guard. In middle school I was an outcast and picked on by some of the popular kids, so my monster would be by my side constantly. Somewhere beneath my monster lurked more monsters, just waiting for a chance to come and grab me. Freshman year I met a different monster. This monster helped me get skinny and my sister eventually stopped calling me fat and people started to like me in school, I became friends with a lot of people. No one would judge be and eventually that new monster disappeared. My monster still hung around just in case I needed to be protected. After freshman year, high school was good. My monster appeared every so often but not as quite as much. When my sister, who was 15 at this time, tells me she is pregnant the monster only came to stay for a couple days. I was going to be an aunt, I couldn’t let my monster stay for too long and take all of my focus away. My sister and I became very close during her pregnancy, she wasn’t the same girl I knew when we were younger. She treated me with respect and we instantly became best friends. My monster became jealous of this; he was supposed to be my only friend, the only one who could protect me. He became angry, staying for longer periods of time, constantly following me, smothering me; he wouldn’t leave me alone. In the beginning of senior year I got into my very first serious relationship. He was a sophomore in college and worked with me at the theatre. He was the funniest most charming guy I had ever met. I didn’t tell him about my monster because I didn’t want to scare him away. My boyfriend made me feel like a princess, so eventually my monster just kind of vanished, always checking up on me to make sure I was okay. But eventually my monster became impatient. He didn’t like the way my boyfriend would play video games and ignore me. He didn’t like the way my boyfriend would want to go hang out with his friends making me feel kind of lonely. My monster began to tell me that my boyfriend didn’t actually love me like I thought he did, that him and his friends made a bet to date me and then made fun of me behind my back. So I became very angry with my boyfriend. We would fight constantly and almost broke up a few times. One night when my boyfriend went to go hang out with his friends my monster brought a new monster with him. This monster was the scariest looking thing I had ever seen in my life. I became irrational and just wanted to end everything, so I texted one of my best friends telling her about this new scary monster. She became scared and called my boyfriend asking him if he was there with me started telling him about the new monster that had come and visited me. Her mom eventually came over to talk to me and just calm me down. She told me that she had experienced the same monster that I have. She told me that the monster would just make her angry and want to scream at everyone close to her. She explained to me about a way to get rid of the monster, to help make me feel better. I needed protection from what I thought was my body guard. I thought my monster was there to protect me, to keep me comfort from what I thought was everyone else attacking me. But the truth is my monster was the one who was actually hurting me. He was deceiving me into thinking that everyone else was against me, but he was really the only one. I shut so many people out, I secluded myself from doing things I loved most, I even almost lost the love of my life. I eventually got better but my monster is still around, I can feel him but he doesn’t control me. My monster will always be around for as long as I live, but he does not control me anymore.