Live your truth. Tell your story. Help others. Repeat.

Stacy Small
Aug 22, 2017 · 9 min read

This isn’t the story I wanted to tell. Or the story I thought I’d need to tell. But not sharing my true story about why I’m not marrying the narcissistic surfer who posed as my soulmate wouldn’t be fair to those who seem to appreciate and find inspiration in my honesty and openness. I’d posted while caught up in the excitement about our “true love” and shared news of our engagement, so it feels necessary to close the loop with the truth about what happened (especially since so many people have been asking me lately!). It would be easier and less painful to play it off with a simple, oh, it didn’t work out. But I fear that if I hold back from sharing the WHY it didn’t work out, too many other women in emotionally abusive toxic relationships may miss knowing they aren’t alone. Apparently, there are millions of narcissists, not to mention sociopaths, psychopaths, those with borderline personality disorder, bipolar and other serious conditions out there pretending to be healthy, happy, peaceful people. Many of us get fooled into believing the fake versions of those we come to love are true, and that’s where the damage gets done. It’s heartbreaking to see the truth but even more heartbreaking to watch people ignore it, or tolerate it.

Those of us fortunate enough to see and feel our way through the nonsense and to get out before it really damages our hearts and our souls are the ones who need to inspire others suffering in silence and in pain to do the same. If you aren’t sure what a narcissist is, but feel like you are trapped in an emotionally draining, drama-filled, roller coaster of a relationship with someone who idolizes and worships you in the beginning and then devalues, criticizes, blames and starts to act repulsed by you then you should probably google some of these terms. The minute I mentioned to my now coach (who I met serendipitously the weekend I’d escaped the madness to attend a writers workshop) that I was “supposed to be marrying this guy who….”, she stopped me and said, “That’s an interesting way to tell me about this guy…and by the way, he sounds like a textbook narcissist.” Her words rang true.

He caught on to the fact that I’d caught on to who he really was. He freaked out when I told him I was questioning everything about our relationship, that it didn’t feel good and I didn’t know if I even wanted to get married. And the next week, when I’d decided I would work a bit harder to make it work, he had already decided to bail, as was his MO as proven by multiple failed marriages. The opportunity to have a real relationship with a healthy soul who actually was willing to accept him for who he was, even the darkness, was too much and it was just easier to bail. Holy crap, what was I thinking even allowing any of this for a minute? He’d been charming and I’d been fooled, just like the others. But, the gig was up. All that he’d told me about his “crazy exes” was simply textbook narcissist speak for “what’s the common denominator? He told me they were all jealous and insecure, and now all I could think was, I wonder why? Lack of contact with a grown daughter, an inability to stick to work commitments, low levels of responsibility especially with money, and a real knack for blaming everyone else for anything not going his way were a few other red flags I stopped ignoring when I took off my rose-colored glasses the optimist in me likes to wear.

I let so much slide, all in the name of starting off 2017 in a “nonjudgemental, accepting way.” That was my mantra as I let the universe know I was truly 100% open to experiencing my one true love. It’s as if this person who broke down my boundaries by killing me with kindness (aka “lovebombing”) knew what was in my head, because that’s what they do. They study the ones who have their shit together, and start mirroring them, acting like them, telling us we have so much in common and pretending they share all of the same qualities to the point that we start to believe it’s true. Sadly, it’s not. Years of therapy might start to chip away at the underlying unresolved anger and childhood trauma that often creates narcissistic personality and tendencies, but who has time for that. At 47, I don’t. I thought I could be patient, I tried hard to be patient. I went to couples’ therapy, played the game of “let’s learn how to communicate better because we love each other” which backfired as narcissists have no desire to truly better themselves and they are incapable of true love given their need for constant game playing. They get easily bored by the person they are with, even though they once told the world that I was their “favorite human and “forever Valentine.” I even watched the therapist also get conned as he attempted to get us to listen to each other better. That doesn’t work when one person thinks they can do no wrong.

I now question why the therapist didn’t call it like he saw it, and how he told me after the fact he had questioned my judgement months ago. Hearing (the week after we broke up) that he never understood what I was doing with someone so below my level kind of pissed me off. Couldn’t he have mentioned all the red flags (which he saw) and boundaries (which were clearly being violated) before the relationship imploded? I might have ignored his recommendations while still mired in the stories I told myself about how and why this relationship would work. For one, I was caught up in how great it felt to be told I was loved soooo much (he told me that a million times/day until one day he just kind of stopped and opted instead to say unkind things or worse, nothing at all). I believed all that I told myself based on what he told me, which included how hard he was “working on himself, especially his unresolved childhood anger issues” and I truly believed that this guy who told me I was his one and only true and forever love was telling me the truth. Ha.

As the semi-regular outbursts of anger became nearly daily, the mood swings became bigger and scarier and and the “I’m leaving” threats translated to doorslamming exits with nasty comments for extra doses of drama mixed in, I started jotting down notes about what was actually transpiring. I don’t even recall writing some of those notes, but I have months worth that I go back and read as a reminder of just how scared I quickly became of what my present and my future was looking like. It felt, and it was, really pretty terrible. I was no longer feeling at peace in my own home. My joy-filled life was becoming less joyful by the day. Something had to change. And it did. The universe stepped in, and pushed me onto a different path than the one I thought I was meant to walk down. My willingness to accept the unacceptable was no longer a reality or an option. The angels that showed up to help me finish the house I found myself moving into solo were proof that the universe takes care of us when we delete toxicity and negativity from our life.

As my coach Nancy Levin reminded me this week, it’s all centered around letting your faith be bigger than your fear. I had to get to that place, and I did, quickly. I took her advice to put a moratorium on communication as engaging with someone who doesn’t speak your language is pointless and draining and anything but productive for healing your heart and soul.

The good times are the ones we all like to read about, but the disappointing experiences are the ones we can relate most to and usually learn from. The biggest lesson I’ve learned the past few months is that my intuition never steers me wrong, I only steer myself (temporarily) down the wrong path when I ignore my gut or worse, feel it and know it, and pretend it’s not telling me what I don’t want to hear. We’ve all been there, be it in a relationship that goes beyond its expiration date or a career that needs a shake up. Go with your gut; it’s the only and best advice any of us really need. Had I gone with mine the first and second time I met the guy I knew intuitively wasn’t for me, I wouldn’t be here telling this story. The first time we met, he told me over coffee that he smokes a ton of pot and kiteboards. Didn’t exactly turn me on. A few months after ignoring his “aloha beautiful girl” texts, we met for coffee and I hired him to work on new floors in my house. “I’m not dating the handyman,” I said. Hmmm, somehow three-and-a-half months later, I was engaged to the pot-smoking, kiteboarder handyman who won me over with his “charm”. And 90 days later, I wasn’t. The mask had fallen off, he was no longer anything that resembled charming. The universe kicked me off that path. That’s how this story goes.

We came into each other’s lives obviously for many reasons, as there are always lessons to be learned. I learned a lot, and whether he did or not is no longer my concern. Thank God. I am back to focusing on finding peace and choosing joy, every day, and inspiring others to do the same. The only way to live your best life is to do just that, live your best life. Don’t worry about what other people think if you change course, life is too short to be anything but happy. If you find yourself in the wrong story, leave.

I was going to stay quiet, keep this story to myself as much as possible, sharing it only with my inner circle and my coach and healers and closest friends. But, as things started to unravel that felt impossible. I needed the support of my angels, my newer friends, people who saw what I was going through and could help me in all kinds of way. Trusting in the goodness of people and having faith that overshadows your fear is the only path to the flip side of this nightmarish chapter involving a textbook narcissist. There are also other positives…now that I’ve experienced this type of “love bombing, gaslighting, chaotic, unpredictable, disappointing and devaluing” type of relationship, it will never happen again. I don’t know everything, but this much I know for sure. I accept what happened, I surrender to what happened and I trust in the law of divine timing. All happened exactly as it needed to for me to clearly see what my life is not supposed to look like long term. Trusting the unknown is a skill I’ve mastered over the years and it’s exciting to be back in the “trust the unknown zone.” Next chapter TBD. #liveyourtruth #loveyourlife #neversettle

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