It’s not “hidden”, just ignored
It is Disability Pride Month, and I know a lot of people in the neurodivergent community don’t consider autism a disability and that’s fine, we all have our own views. For me, yes, yes it is. If I can give one example of why I think it is a disability it is because I have been unable to write my thoughts out this month. I know that this may not seem much, but it is a little sign of how my brain can prevent me doing things.
Oh, for sure, I have been able to post on social media, but write, actually write, that has been beyond me. My brain is a firestorm at the moment, everything overwhelming and debilitating. If it wasn’t for a great friend keep tabs on me, I would still not really be eating, because eating is too much effort. I mean, in all the myriad of ways in which we have evolved since the primordial ooze, how is it that we still need this basic function of preparing and consuming food to survive, it seems awfully inefficient to be honest.
The neurodivergent community contains as many different views and opinions as it does individuals, and if you, being in the community, do not consider it a disability I mean you no offence by saying I do.
Everyone goes through stuff, I know that, and everyone gets overwhelmed. There are levels though, and durations. This month has been a bad one. I won’t go into the myriad of things which have happened, but (TRIGGER WARNING), my suicidal ideation is going through the roof. Every damn day, multiple times, for one thing.
I can love parts of my autistic brain, but I can hate others with a vengeance, and considering how much I struggle with understanding what I am actually feeling that is saying something.
Anyone looking at me though wouldn’t see it. I have managed to do radio and television interviews, even filmed a couple of one-minute clips. What people don’t see is how much energy that has taken, or me crying afterwards.
The thing with “hidden disabilities” is that they are just that, hidden. Over the years I have got very good at hiding them, even from the people I love the most.
What motivated me to write this then? In the news today were a number of stories about an eight-year waiting list in the UK for an ADHD diagnosis. We know that waiting times for autism diagnoses are equally horrendous.
I can put my life, at times, in perspective since my diagnosis. There’s not a lot of support out there even with it, but there is a lot more than without it. If I did not understand why my brain has so many intrusive thoughts, or suicidal ideation, I am fairly certain I would be right back where I was 20+ years ago when I let them take over.
We need better recognition of “hidden disabilities”, better diagnoses, better support, better everything. They aren’t hidden, they are ignored and dismissed. We are left to try and function in a world not designed for us, and that is a disability, because we are left unable to function at times because of it.
If you are struggling, you are not alone. I have no words to make it better, other than you aren’t alone. A 42-year-old, happily married, bearded, curmudgeonly person is saying that they cannot possibly know what is going through your brain, but you are not alone. You might not be feeling “proud” of being disabled. You may just be wishing things were just a little easier, a little less overwhelming, a little more compassionate and understanding, but you are not alone.
