Little Jealous Afternoon.
When you look at a friend or person you used to know, from school or work, to whom you never really got on with, one of those people that everyone else seemed to adore, one to whom you have never bared any ill will or malice towards, one to whom you remember you simply couldn’t relate to them, you couldn’t sit yourself next them because you didn’t think they shared your sense of things, that they were not someone you could joke with without thinking they more than likely thought you a peasant in their presence.
Though some would consider this as judgement of youth or simply ‘jeaslousy’ that this person had grown up better than you, seemed to be given a better lot in life, and you never cared for this, its only years later, on a day when there is no cause for consequence for it, you think about it.
Years later this person, who you haven’t spoken to for years, not wanted to because from the get-go you know that the lack of common ground you shared years before was now as vast as a desert plain in the sahara, there would be no point, you see this person now and the tiny swirl of jealousy slips inside you.
We know jealousy, we know how it feel for someone to have something you don’t, something that you may or may not deserve, how as a child you would scream and act out, throw a few toys for good measure. But when you are older and the feeling slivers inside, moving inside your head, causing your inner most bitch to slip its way out of you, making you try to think to yourself how unfair it is, how that is just not right, how its not fair.
Then the worst part comes…are you happy with your lot? To the bones of your being are you happy? A question you know the answer to, that yes you are happy…but this time you can’t answer it the same, you are jealous of something you have vocabulary said you don’t want or need, something you have never felt justified in having and wanting.
Where the card you played, the one you pull out to hush everything, the one that saids “I don’t need to work in the media” “I don’t want to apart of the throng of people fighting to be a part if it” “I don’t believe in that kind of conformity”, the one where you make yourself appear to be the more evolved person than that, that you have much more to offer, that you want to never “sell out”.
It all feels flat.
From the outside you know you work in a non-mentally demanding job, one with which you retain yourself, you can be the funky sarcastic person you are, you can come into work and still feel human, requires you work 45hours weeks and to never take the work home. You’ve seen all the people you work for and under, the ones to whom you ‘serve’ and you see how they are, some are hollow empty shells, part of a system and society you look at and thank the stars you are not a part of it, the so-called office workers, the paper pushers, the ones who you see and you look at them with pity, that though they might earn more than you but to you are humanoids, theres such a lack of realness to them, they simply don’t have a clue.
But you know they look back you, they look at you with just as much pity. You know they see wasted potential, the kind ones try to push you, advise you. They see that you can do more, that its such a shame you don’t.
Looking at this person, this friend, to whom you know you have not crossed the mind of ever, to whom you never wished them ill, to whom you know you will never see in your life again, not if you can help it, and you feel sad…because even though you know you are now on the path now to getting somewhere, where the planets are now aligning, you can see things happening around you now, good things, things you have wanted for so long, where you grow within yourself knowing its actually going to happen, that it did not fall a part at the seams in front of you…but you look at that friend or person and what do you wish them, their continued success in life, that even though you have had your very small own, you know that friend wins, and the wins without them knowing it was something that someone else from afar was measuring.
There’s a day like when you can allow yourself to think of a person who’s far more successful than you with jeaslousy, just for a moment and then you shrug and think; This here now is me, I’m still doing this story of me and its going to be mine.