Day 20; When Farts Take Over The World
An Essay on Farts
Being with someone new is a blend between ecstatic and nervous. You put your best foot forward and try to tuck in your crazy. Atleast for the initial days. Until one of you slips up and the ice is finally broken. However, noone wants to be the first to break it. It might be too soon and you may lose your chance because they think you are a freak of nature. So imagine the horror when I let a rip so loud that it woke the both of us up. We were sound asleep and then bam! The thunder down under struck. I was momentarily stunned before I started to laugh hysterically. My bowels betrayed me. I had held up a perfectly good repertoire thus far but I guess they decided it was about time he met all the shades of me.
There are two things that feel orgasmic in this world. Finally letting out a fart you’ve been holding in and an actual orgasm. Flatulence holds more importance than we care to accord it. Even though ladies prefer to act as if they never fart. Of course we don’t. We were made to look and smell pretty, right? Of course we are.
Love is peculiar. Peculiar in the sense that it doesn’t have a guide or playbook. You play it by the beat of your heart. Explaining why there are many ways of expressing it. Hollywood tries to narrow it down to chick flick cliches but there is more. Much more. Like farts. You know I was going there so don’t you act surprised. I always say that you aren’t really dating someone until you have heard them fart. For real. One of the most heartfelt ways to show affection is to be comfortable enough to reveal a part of you that doesn’t paint you in the best light. At times it first happens by mistake but after that, everyone is free to dutch oven the other.
If you want to know a man, know his farts. A fart can teach you so much about a person. Their food preferences, health, sense of humor, response to awkward situations, sexual preferences, temperament, inhibitions and manners. Gerald Ford, the 38th president of America would always blame his farts on his secret service. Zero points for sense of humor Gerald. Life is easier when you learn to laugh at yourself. Self-depreciation, within reason, is a great way to open up. I have developed the weirdest habit lately. When I go to visit my mum’s place I like to sit close to her as I watch TV. Why you ask? So that I can annoy her when I let a rip in the silence of the movie. She gets so livid and complains for hours. It cracks me up for. I top it up with a sailor burp just to rattle her further. She thinks I’ve lost it. I probably have, but who’s complaining.
Man’s preoccupation with sex has lead to some odd fetishes. Like farts. The fetish is called “eproctophilia.” Where you can distinctly tell apart the fart of someone you are attracted to in a room full of farts. Beetles are apparently kinky little fellows too. The female Southern Pine Beetle rips pheromone-laden farts to attract male suitors. Farts are serious business apparently.
I am a functioning lunatic. It could have been worse. Alcoholic anonymous has far worse stigma that what Flatulent Anonymous would have. A couple of laxatives and the group would literally have nothing to talk about. A camaraderie of gassy people could take over the world. Literally. If all the people in the world would fart 9 times simultaneously, it would be enough to create a hydrogen bomb. Someone actually had the time to find that out. I want that job. You get bored and decide to research how many farts it would take to take over the world? That is what I call earning free money.
Farts have had their part in world history. Hitler had bad gas thanks to hepatitis and gastrointestinal cramps, which led to a condition of chronic flatulence for which he took 28 different medications. He was probably a grouch because he was so damn gassy all the time. An over abundance of gas is one of the worst feelings ever.
My body is rejecting junk food. It sees that my will is weak so it made my bowels weaker and now I have no choice but to heed to my gassy woes. The last time it happened, I was out catching up with a friend and we had chicken and chips, as usual. We’re creatures of habit. By the end of the meal, my stomach was in knots and I was working hard to hold it all in. Have you ever had an overwhelming need to fart but you know that you can’t? Not because it’s beneath you but because you know that the gas is only a precursor to what’s next. I have never been so glad to get home. My body is literally telling me what to do. As if I don’t own it. This shell with mind of it’s own. Pixar should probably do a movie on the stomach. If they pull it off without making us want to throw up, I’ll applaud them.
I know a very old art
that is close to my heart
those who don’t get this are too smart
A beauty that rhymes with tart
To some, it’s music of Mozart
sadly to most, it’s ugly as a wart
Originally published at southsidesahara.wordpress.com on December 23, 2015.