An Open letter from ‘This is Bill’ to the internet

This Is Bill. He Showed Us What The Internet Really Thinks. Bill Regrets It

Dear Internet,

Hi. My name is Bill, a simple stick figure. You’ve probably bumped into me lately. I like to smile and wear my knit hat. It keeps me warm and I love it. I was quietly minding my own business as usual when my friends texted me.

‘Dude, what did you do? You’re like all over the internet!’

‘Quit messing with me!’ I said. ‘I have a particularly non remarkable life that noone could possibly be interested in.’

‘Well, seems the internet disagrees with you.’

I immediately logged into Facebook and Twitter and there my fate had began to unfold. As many trends go, I was quickly picked up by people across the globe and soon I was the ambassador for passive aggression. I have opinions your know. I would like to be consulted before my image is used as the crusader for the smug. Why couldn’t you make me the ambassador for penguins. They are cute. Couldn’t my sincere smile strike you as ironic in the backdrop of all that passive aggression?

That said, I am flattered by one thing. You are all convinced that I am smart. I have to say that I was stunned at first. Now, I graciously accept it and I am consciously working towards making it a reality.Eating lots of fish and Omega 3. That should work, right?

Humanity is a peculiar species that I cannot fathom. It’s as if any form of affection or emotion is portrayed hastily and in secret lest you be seen. God forbid you have feelings. The memes you made of me shun the very act of carefree acts of love and affection. Parents posting baby photos, couples posting photos and narcissists flooding the timeline with selfies. To each his own. Isn’t it easier to live and let live?

There are a few things that I have to ask you though;

1. Why are you all so angry?

I know that the internet is the ultimate level ground for fellows and fools alike but come on! The speed at which my meme moved from funny to offensive to downright murder is astonishing. One time I was a darling with funny jabs at annoying habits, then transitioned to attacking people’s lifestyles and before long Uma Thurman is killing me. Very fresh internet. Very fresh. Who wronged you? Do you need a hug?

2. Why do you find the need to tell people how to live their lives?

Hands up if you have your whole life figured out. If you have this life thing decoded. I thought so. None of you. So I am always amazed at the speed at which we run to define what other people can and cannot do. Clean your own house first maybe?

The only thing that enforced control breeds is resentment and that doesn’t quite help anyone. Atleast I do not have to grapple with the concept of life and death. You have made me immortal through your relentless need to control each other. I heard things live forever once they are online. So hello immortality and endless re-runs of Breaking bad for as long as I exist.

3. Why do you preach water and take wine?

While my memes were aimed at ridiculing emergent annoying habits by social media users, the subtle undertones hinted at the fact that people should spend more time living than creating a chiefly fictional and highly exaggerated life online. Well, the fact that you need to spend a considerable amount of time online to spread the message is ironic enough and shows the fault in our plans. How about an old fashioned meet up with friends over good food and rant until high heavens on how much you hate my meme. That way I shall feel accomplished.

One day, I was a quaint stick figure in a woolen hat, then before I knew it, I was an internet sensation. I now understand your predicament Justin Beiber. I understand why you briefly lost it and got deported. The pressure can be tremendous. Glad you turned out better than we could ever imagine. Pressure does indeed create diamonds in the rough.

If you learn nothing from me, learn this. Your life can change in a matter of days if the stars align. Just pray that it changes for the better. Change may not always be a good thing. Plus, the internet is a den of madness. Do not trust it or take it seriously. For real. Go do other things, anything else but let the internet bask in it’s own dysfunction.

Call 911. Who took Bill’s hat?

Originally published at on January 26, 2016.

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