Coercive Control — how to spot it and how to stop it
Resisting power and control in abusive relationships
The true danger of coercive control is that it teaches you to control yourself. Eventually the abuser no longer even needs to abuse, because you have fully internalised the abuse, abusing yourself.
— Luke and Ryan Hart
I wrote this essay for my daughter in 2013. I’ve updated it and am posting it here to keep on record, and in the hope that it may be helpful for other women in psychologically abusive relationships.
I focus on males who abuse their female partners, and particularly on covert coercive control, because that is my daughter’s situation.
Apologies if sources are outdated or quotes not perfectly attributed.
I am not a professional or an academic, just a concerned mother.
All of the publications, websites and individuals consulted are listed at the end of this article. I would like to particularly thank Clare Murphy of www.speakoutloud.net for her support, advice and brilliant website, all of which I’ve used extensively in this piece.
Disclaimer: The information and opinions expressed in this piece are solely my own and do not express the views of Clare Murphy or anyone else.
“Domestic violence is a world-wide phenomena, directly related to male privilege and the position of women in society.”
Domestic abuse is a pattern of behavior and tactics used systematically and with deliberate calculation to dominate, subjugate, control and exploit.
The vast majority of perpetrators are male, and the vast majority of victims/survivors are their female partners.
When most people think of domestic abuse they think of physical violence, of a man who slaps or kicks or punches his wife around.
However, physical violence is not the defining characteristic of domestic abuse.
In an abusive relationship: “One person is determined to get their way. They use power and control to do so. They use a continuous pattern of behaviours over time. The behaviours are intended to dominate and to win. The behaviours are aimed at being right at all costs.”
Whilst it is easy to see the connection between domestic violence and bullying, few people are fully aware of the way in which abuse in partner relationships is bound up with issues of power and control.
Using violence, a man threatens, intimidates and trains his wife under a regime of ongoing tactics, stamping out all resistance until he has wiped out her sense of self to beyond the point of recognition.
Violence does not have to be physical.
Psychological and emotional violence are just as damaging, and in domestic abuse the key is not whether or not physical attacks take place, but whether the abuser is using power and control as part of a systematic process to dominate his partner.
“Growing evidence confirms that countless women live their lives… suffering severe psychological and emotional abuse…without the accompanying broken bones and bruises.”
The hidden fact is that although domestic abuse may include physical violence, much more often it is psychological or emotional means that are used to subjugate the female partner, to keep her down, to crush her spirit, so that the male partner can feel bigger, stronger, more powerful and less afraid. It may seem that physical violence is far more serious, but there is strong evidence that psychological or emotional domestic abuse is actually more damaging in the long term.
Lyn Shipway writes in Domestic Violence: A Handbook for Health Care Professionals that: “It is (psychological) abuse that may lead to mental illness and attempts at self harm, including suicide attempts, and may never present in physical injury”. (Lyn Shipway, 2004)
Physical domestic violence is explicit and obvious, at least to the victim.
Even if the bruises and scars are hidden from view, the victim at least knows that she is being beaten, and people close to her may notice the signs and symptoms of abuse.
Overt psychological abuse is also relatively easy to spot, at least in public.
A man swearing and screaming at his wife will not go unnoticed, a man who forbids his wife from working, driving or socialising will be seen to be over-controlling, her friends and family will be horrified if he threatens her in front of them — and even if it all goes on behind closed doors and he is the perfect partner in company, the victim herself may recognise that he is being bullying and unkind.
Covert abuse, on the other hand, is extremely difficult to recognise.
Small, subtle, petty and seemingly insignificant manipulative behaviours, played out and repeated over time and interspersed with changing tactics, about turns, and generous, kind and loving acts and behaviours, gradually brainwash the victim whilst remaining almost completely undetectable to everyone else. Simultaneously the abuser works to undermine the victim’s self belief and the trust between her and her friends and family, using sly jokes, smear tactics, guilt trips, ‘crazifying’ to cast aspersions on her integrity and the integrity of her support network.
Domestic abusers have a secret agenda.
This agenda may not be conscious and the perpetrator may believe that all he wants is a happy relationship, but deep inside he feels unhappy, inadequate and insecure. He wants to feel better about himself and he believes that in order to feel better he must be “more of a man”, stronger and more dominant.
To make himself more of a man he believes that has to make his partner feel smaller, so he sets about a systematic process of breaking her down and making her smaller, weaker and less powerful than he is.
The UK government has recently widened the definition of domestic abuse to include coercive control. The new definition now states:
“Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. This can encompass, but is not limited to, the following types of abuse”:
— psychological
— physical
— sexual
— financial
— emotional
“Controlling behaviour is: a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.
“Coercive behaviour is: an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.” (UK Home Office)
In some countries, including France and New Zealand, psychological abuse is a criminal offence. In the UK new legislation has been introduced to increase police and court powers to intervene in psychological domestic abuse situations*. Although these are positive changes, unfortunately amongst the general public there is still very little recognition that psychological domestic abuse, which may not include physical violence, is a serious issue.
*(Update: Coercive control is now a criminal offence in the UK).
1 IN 4 WOMEN IN THE UK ARE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC ABUSE
Domestic abuse is extremely common.
The British Crime Survey tells us that there are an estimated 1.2 million women who experience domestic abuse each year in the UK , with 1 in 4 having been the victim of domestic abuse at some time in their lives— a quarter of all women in the UK.
Domestic abuse is most frequently perpetrated by men on women.
According to Refuge:
— 4 times as many women as men are killed by a current or former partner.
— In 2013–14, 93% of defendants in domestic violence court cases were male and 84% of victims were female.
— In 2009–10, women were the victims of 73% of domestic violence incidents.
— In 81% of incidents, the offender was male.
— 89% of all those who had experienced 4 or more incidents of domestic violence were women.
PSYCHOLOGICAL DOMESTIC ABUSE IS HARD TO RECOGNISE
It is often only in the accumulation of many, small, subtle and separate behaviours that domestic abuse can be identified, and on first examination, the description of the range of behaviours and tactics used by emotional abusers can come across as paranoid — like some sort of conspiracy theory.
The behaviours are so subtly nuanced, so varying and, very often, so seemingly innocuous, that it is tempting to dismiss them as insignificant and harmless. However, the same specific and exact list of tactics and behaviours are recognised by professionals as indicators that domestic abuse is taking place — by the police, the courts and the home office, as well as by women’s aid organisations and healthcare support services.
Psychological domestic abuse tactics also mirror the tactics used in psychological torture, which Biderman’s Chart of Coercion — a tool designed to demonstrate and explain the coercive methods of stress manipulation used to torture prisoners of war — lists as:
Isolation
Monopolization of Perception
Induced debility and exhaustion
Threats, Occasional indulgences
Degradation
and Enforcing Trivial Demands.
Amnesty International, Report on Torture (New York: Farra, Strauss, and Giroux), 1973.
For women in abusive relationships in which there is no overt violence it is particularly hard to recognise that they are suffering domestic abuse.
“Many women try to make sense of their male partner’s behaviours by assuming he must only be acting in just and fair ways. So, if she feels harmed by something he says or does she will let him know, discuss it with him, seek change on his part. But if he says he did nothing wrong, that it’s all in her head, that she provoked it, or that it is her behaviours that are the problem, then she will go away and contemplate what it was in her own character or behaviour that caused him to harm her. Over time she will develop the belief that there’s something wrong with her, that she’s not good enough, that she’s not worthy. If she believes in a just world she will find it extremely difficult to believe her partner is as horrible as his behaviours seem. So she will blame herself and redouble her efforts to be the good wife.” (Speak Out Loud)
It is vital that women in a relationship who suspect that they may not be receiving just and fair treatment don’t ignore their suspicions.
Disbelief is a common reaction when a woman begins to consider the possibility that her partner may be a domestic abuser. She naturally assumes her partner loves her and, if his abuse is of the subtle, manipulative kind, she will find it hard to put her finger on exactly what is wrong. He may not fit the stereotyped profile of a male abuser as aggressive, violent, overtly threatening and intimidating, he may be at the centre of a close knit family and have a strong social network. He may intersperse his subtle abuse with “honeymoon” periods during which he appears to be the perfect loving partner. The general consensus may be that the label of domestic abuse is not appropriate without beatings and violence, or at least swearing and threats, and under these conditions she is very likely to ignore her niggling doubts.
The fact is that a woman’s gut instincts about her partner are more likely than not to be right. Domestic abuse is so common as to be an all pervasive social phenomenon of devastating proportions. Male perpetrators of domestic abuse are not rare monsters, but fathers, husbands and brothers who make up a substantial proportion of every section of our society.
The urge to dominate, control and oppress others is an ugly but undeniable part of human nature. Governments, police and the military use tactics such as torture, terror, scapegoating and miscarriages of justice. Bullying goes on in the school playground and in the workplace — and domestic abuse goes on in intimate relationships.
Domestic abuse reaches right across cultural, class and geographical boundaries. “Variables such as ethnicity, social class, educational attainment, career path or the lack of it, religiosity, age or self-confidence do not in any way act as indicators of whether a woman is more likely to experience (domestic abuse) or not.” (Islamic Unity Society)
Unlike the bruises and scars left by physical domestic abuse, psychological domestic abuse is almost invisible. It encompasses a range of behaviours which demonstrate “…covert, coercive, manipulative intentions masked by innocent sounding communication,…designed to confuse and keep the victim from guessing the perpetrator’s true aim.” (Speak Out Loud)
Sometimes the tactics and behaviors are more obvious and overt, such as name calling (“bitch”, “”slut”) shouting and swearing, locking her in a room, refusing to let her use the phone, forbidding her from working etc.
But very often psychological abuse tactics are subtle and manipulative.
This makes it extremely hard to identify, especially for the victim, as the last thing she wants to consider is that the love of her life could be systematically trying to destroy her.
For many reasons, the victim of an abusive partner may be unable to believe that their partner could be capable of behaving in such a destructive and cruel way. “Most abusers have …learned how to bounce between attacking and retreating, keeping their victims off balance, undermining and lowering their self esteem.”(After Narcissistic Abuse) Therefore: “Victims too often miss the signs of emotional abuse, even though they are always there.” (Designed Thinking)
Also, because women in abusive relationships have had their self esteem and self belief eroded, they no longer trust their own instincts or judgment. Furthermore, women in our society are socialised to accept responsibility for solving relationship issues and for building up and supporting the male partner’s ego. This means the victim is far more likely to question herself and try to change or adapt her own behaviour than to put the blame on him.
If she is unhappy — she thinks it must be her fault. If he is unhappy she thinks it must be her fault, or at least her responsibility to make him happy.
Or he denies that he is unhappy or that there is anything to be unhappy about. If there are problems in the relationship he denies them, or tells them they are her fault, and — over time — she comes to believe in his version of reality.
His version of reality is skewed and distorted, and is the creation of a damaged and destructive soul. The more she comes to believe it, the more the victim feels she’s a failure, feels debased and disempowered, but she cannot put her finger on exactly what it is that is making her feel like this.
The abuser tells her it’s her imagination, she’s disturbed, depressed, has repressed anger or other issues, that she’s got it all wrong and that everything is hunky-dory. He will intersperse his “persecution” tactics with periods of happy calm benevolence which throw her off guard and make her hope and pray the bad times might be over, or wonder if they ever really happened.
The quote below is from Luke and Ryan Hart (you can read about their story here and here). Their mother and sister were murdered by their coercive controlling father after 25 years of covert, non-physical domestic abuse.
Outsiders might not see coercive control because the perp wants to control the family — but not outsiders, so behaves differently to both. Coercive control is slow deformation of the victims. The perpetrator’s behaviours may not leak out, but can be seen in the victim’s self-limiting behaviours.
To understand coercive control it is necessary to understand victims. Victims may be conditioned to control themselves, such that the perpetrator rarely needs to act out.
This does not mean the victims are not at risk.
In fact it may mean the perpetrator is very effective and dangerous.
— Luke and Ryan Hart
Can this be happening to me?
“Red flags that there’s a major problem become glaringly obvious when:
— All attempts at getting your partner to take responsibility for his behaviours fall on deaf ears
— He denies that he’s done anything harmful
— He minimises your experience
— He turns the situation about face and blames you
If this is the case, you need to listen to your gut instinct and admit to yourself that what you are experiencing is what you are experiencing! Otherwise you’re in danger of making one excuse after another for your partner’s emotional unkindness and violation of trust. You’re in danger of staying in a relationship in which his behaviours get worse and worse over time, and the long-term effects on you will get worse and worse.
Stories from thousands of women show this to be true.
(Speak Out Loud)
WHY DO MEN ABUSE THEIR PARTNERS?
It is difficult for a woman to understand why her male partner, who she loves and trusts, might want to behave abusively to her, but there are a lot of reasons for men to feel driven to act in this way towards women, some of them stem from childhood experiences and family upbringing and others from gender, social and cultural norms and expectations.
“Many men who psychologically abuse and control their female partners do not (recognise) their behaviour as cruel or abusive. This is partly because their behaviours make perfect sense when viewed from their …socially reinforced belief system. Family violence, including non-physical control tactics, are motivated by beliefs based on men’s sense of masculinity, their gender as a man — that is, the ways men have learned that they should behave in relationships.”
“Abusers are psychologically and emotionally immature and may have been the victim of, or witnessed, an abusive relationship during childhood. They tend to lack self-confidence and have low self-esteem. Because the abuser suffers from internal discomfort and conflicts they don’t know how to address, no amount of logic, submissiveness or kindness will be enough to compensate for or satisfy their insecurities. They are not seeking to understand or respect others because they do not fully understand or respect themselves. They hide from their own weaknesses by trying to make others weak. They can’t control their own emotions, so they look to control others. While they may have some positive qualities, they hold toxic and unrealistic expectations which cannot be met. Those who try to meet these expectations will end up feeling like a failure because it is a game they cannot win.”
How do I know if I am in an abusive relationship?
Here are some questions for women who are in a relationship with a man.
Can you answer ‘yes’ to these questions?
— I trust this man 100%
— He respects me totally without a doubt
— He’s always honest and truthful with me
— I feel completely safe to be honest with him
— He definitely respects my privacy
— I feel totally free to be myself round him anywhere anytime
— I adamantly feel safe with him — always
Be honest with yourself.
If you answered ‘no’ to these questions — it is very probable you are with a man that is engaged in a slow process of gaining more and more emotional control over you and your life.
WHAT TACTICS DO MALE ABUSERS USE?
Common tactics and behaviors used by male partners in psychological abuse may be more obvious and overt, such as threats of physical violence, swearing, yelling, smashing things during an argument, reckless driving, destroying her property, forbidding or otherwise preventing her from having access to social contact, or use of the phone or car, locking her in/out of the house or refusing her money/food/medicine. This type of abuse can also include so called ‘honour’ based violence, female genital mutilation and forced marriage.
More subtle and covert tactics and behaviours include:
1. Verbal Abuse, which “…may include aggressive actions such as name-calling, blaming, ridicule, disrespect, and criticism, but there are also less obviously aggressive forms of verbal abuse. Statements that may seem benign on the surface can be thinly veiled attempts to humiliate, falsely accuse or manipulate her to submit to undesirable behavior, make her feel unwanted and unloved, threaten her economically, or isolate her from support systems.”
Verbal abuse can include “…making slights or digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the abuser to say he was just kidding while still being abusive.”
2. Mind Games.
“Mind Games are deliberate attempts to psychologically manipulate someone. They are covert, coercive, manipulative intentions masked by innocent sounding communication,…designed to confuse and keep the victim from guessing the perpetrator’s true aim.”
“Mind Games are an attempt to indoctrinate someone into believing they are the guilty party.”
“Mind Games are especially powerful when the victim totally trusts the perpetrator and believes both their roles in the relationship are well defined and socially ‘normal’.”
“Mind Games entail brainwashing — a notion that we usually associate with cults or terrorist hostage tactics.”
Abusers “brainwash their partner when they appeal to her instinct and desire to care for him by saying, ‘If you really love me you’d do what I want’. This gets confusing when you love and trust your partner. But he is slowly — one tactic at a time — oppressing and controlling. It’s insidious — and it can take years to see, and to realise this is a pattern.”
“Brainwashing, guilt trips and confusion lead to exhaustion, which can make women more susceptible to believing some of the denigrating and manipulative language their partners use against them.”
“Some women are led to identify more and more with the abuser, whilst others are able to maintain morsels of a sense of themselves — of their own thoughts and beliefs.” (Speak Out Loud)
3. Possessive jealousy used as excuse for deliberate emotional unkindness
“Karen said Felix’s “jealousy started really really soon after I met him. If I met somebody, gave them a peck on the cheek, all hell would break loose, there’d be two or three days of absolute hell. So I learnt not to express any affection to anybody, not to look at anybody.”
“… I started dancing, he basically just came and got me, grabbed me by the arm, put a nice smile on his face and started to escort me away, pushed me into the car, and on the way home threw me out of the car. I had to walk well over an hour home in the middle of the night in winter wearing high-heeled shoes …. He didn’t come back and get me. Just little things like that made me really careful not to fuck up.”
4. Intimidation
He may use looks, words or gestures to make her afraid, breaking things, damaging her property, driving recklessly, shouting, making threats e.g. “It’s all over”.
5. Isolation
Moving home frequently making it hard for her to put down roots, finding ways to insist she spends all her free time with him, overt put downs or subtle criticisms of her friends and family to discourage contact, smear tactics about her or about her friends and family to isolate her, making it feel easier for her to be alone, using jealousy as justification to make her avoid contact, making scenes in public or finding other ways to make social contact difficult for her, causing a breach with her friends and/or family
Preventing her travelling or restricting her independence e.g. by leaving her with a near-empty fuel tank or hiding or destroying important papers e.g. passports, driving licence.
6. Controlling
Making all the big decisions — where to live, when to move, when and where to travel, whether to attend important events. Controlling finances — making her ask for money, doling out the money according to his agenda, not including her in financial plans or decisions
7. Setting up strict gender roles
He as breadwinner and “king of the castle”, she as homemaker, “the little woman” and “servant”, he has ‘old fashioned’ values — she should take his name, sign his name first
8. Emotional unkindness
Degrading –making her responsible for the heavy physical tasks and the “dirty jobs”, demeaning her with cruel comments, making fun of her
Neglect — not helping when she is ill or overtired, refusing to comfort her if she is upset, withholding sex or physical contact, always putting her needs or desires last
Emotional dishonesty — making promises and then breaking them, denying the validity of her feelings, denying anything is wrong, denying responsibility, pretending to understand concerns and then disregarding them
Punishing — for having fun, acting independent, being happy — by giving her the cold shoulder, playing the “silent game” when he doesn’t get his way, sulking, creating an unpleasant scene, humiliating or embarrassing her, or taking away “privileges”
Denying responsibility — An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? He does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances. Won’t admit when he misbehaves, won’t apologise except if he sees no alternative
Creating unrealistic expectations — making her take on too much e.g. total responsibility for the household management or a large project, it’s up to her to make the relationship work and to make sure he is happy
Minimizing — making light of her feelings, denying she has a reason to be upset, putting down her accomplishments, trivialising her contributions — including financial
Stonewalling — refusing to discuss things, refusing to listen
9. Mood swings
- from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred, he changes tactics from cold and withdrawn to bullying and abusive and back to kind and loving — all according to his timetable
Jekyll and Hyde — he intersperses the bad times with periods of happy, calm “good times”, switches from warm and loving to blaming and the silent treatment, belittling and bullying. This is called the Cycle of Abuse, and it is a recognised part of the pattern of Domestic Abuse.
10. Denying responsibility
Blaming abuse on his childhood or outside circumstances (stress at work etc)
Diversion tactics — changing the subject, accusing and blaming her or others, inappropriate emotional outbursts to divert attention, saying it’s her fault, making her feel she is responsible for changing him
11. Physical intimidation — this may include pushing, shoving, spitting, hugging too hard — so it hurts, picking her up and moving her from one place to another — all of which may be carried out under the guise of jesting and joking.
12. Performing the good husband/father in front of others to get them on his side and further isolate the victim. Onlookers who see only this performance can be persuaded that criticism of him is unjustified and that she is actually the one at fault.
Finally, if the victim tries to end the relationship, she is likely to fall prey to Separation Abuse. The tactics of Separation Abuse range from tearful pleading, showering with gifts and swearing he will turn over a new leaf, to stalking, harassment, threats, damage to property and — even if it has never happened before — physical violence.
If there are children involved it will make things much more difficult, as a clean break with the abuser with no further contact will be impossible. At the separation stage the victim needs to prioritise her safety at all times and it is best for her to avoid being alone with the abuser.
In domestic abuse situations the switch from one tactic to another is called the Cycle of Abuse:
“The process whereby abusive relationships are characterised by a predictable repetitious pattern of abuse with 4 distinct phases. The Reconciliation or Honeymoon phase is characterised by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident. This phase marks an apparent end of abuse, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change. During this stage the abuser feels overwhelming feelings of remorse and sadness, or at least pretends to. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection.”
In order to get his own way the abuser switches tactics, refuses to accept her argument or pretends to accept it then disregards it and comes at it from a different angle — promises, enticements, threats, stalling, stonewalling — the full range of behaviours can be employed just to break down her resistance in order to win a single point and get his own way. This can happen over big issues — like where they should live — and over small issues — like choosing a gift. The issue is not important. What is important is winning, always, and at any cost to her. Winning is his sole aim.
Another tactic he will use is to make her feel sorry for him.
She will try to protect him from his vulnerabilities and assuage his insecurities. He will play on her sympathy and “motherly” concern so that she makes it her priority to help, comfort and reassure him. She will find herself always putting him first, always at her own expense, because that is what he expects and demands of her. More and more he will use his strategies to undermine her sense of self and increasingly she will feel that she cannot manage without him. “This toxic mix of emotions and behaviour gradually results in the erosion of belief in her ability to function or survive outside of the abusive relationship.”
Does this describe you? Do you:
— Feel overwhelming pity for him and want to protect him from his vulnerabilities, even if that means diminishing your self to make him feel bigger, or covering up for his abuse?
— Find yourself accepting his version of events, even though your memory tells you this is simply not what happened?
— Excuse his inexcusable behaviour on the grounds that it was an accident, or you must have imagined it?
— Apologise for something when you were sure you hadn’t done anything wrong?
— Apologise when you are sure you are actually the wronged party?
— Wonder if you’re going crazy, if you are imbalanced or depressive, otherwise why are you so unhappy when your partner says nothing is wrong?
If you have answered ‘yes’ to any of the questions above, you are in an abusive relationship. Have a look at some of the common tactics, strategies and behaviours used by male abusers on their female victims and see if these bear any relation to your own experience.
Do you recognise these behaviours and tactics in your partner’s treatment of you?
If so you are certainly in an abusive relationship. Acknowledge it is happening and that it is serious. Get help and support as a matter of urgent priority from someone you trust, or contact a support agency like Women’s Aid.
WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS OF DOMESTIC ABUSE?
There is clear evidence that psychological abuse over time results in the victim’s loss of her sense of self and increasing withdrawal, as well as worsening depressive symptoms such as frequent crying, anxiety, fearfulness, and inappropriate shame and guilt. Victims may also find themselves trying to do anything possible to try to bring the relationship back to the way it was before the abuse. Physical symptoms can appear — ranging from unexplained pain to asthma, eczema and other stress triggered ailments. Insomnia is common, substance abuse and lack of control with drink and drugs, and thoughts of suicide and murder can occur and can lead on to actual — and sometimes successful — attempts.
Do you notice any of the effects listed below in yourself?
In the short term:
Surprise and confusion
Questioning of one’s own memory, “did that really happen?”
Anxiety or fear; hypervigilence
Shame or guilt
Aggression (as a defense to the abuse)
Becoming overly passive or compliant
Frequent crying
Avoidance of eye contact
Feeling powerless and defeated as nothing you do ever seems to be right (learned helplessness)
Feeling like you’re “walking on eggshells”
Feeling like you put on a mask in public
Feeling manipulated, used and controlled
Feeling undesirable
In the long term:
Depression
Withdrawal
Low self-esteem and self-worth
Emotional instability
Sleep disturbances
Physical pain without cause
Suicidal ideation, thoughts or attempts
Extreme dependence on the abuser
Underachievement
Inability to trust
Feeling trapped and alone
Substance abuse
Collusion with the abuser — hiding or abetting the abuse
This latter point is sometimes referred to as Stockholm syndrome, more commonly associated with hostages in captive situations. In Stockholm syndrome the victim is so dominated by their “captor” that they become bonded with them.
Paul Hokemeyer, psychotherapist, licensed marriage and family therapist and certified clinical trauma professional refers to it as a manifestation of trauma bondng — “an incredibly effective survival tactic that [some] survivors unconsciously develop. While far from perfect, it deescalates the intensity of the situation and enables the survivor to … formulate an escape plan. So, in this sense, it is a power play. It empowers the survivors to find a foothold in the chaos rather than to be fully decimated by the inequity of the situation they are trapped in. In an attempt to stop the abuse, the victim will defend her abuser and his abusive actions.”
However, many professionals object to the pathologising of domestic abuse survivors as suffering from “syndromes” eg Stockholm syndrome or Battered Woman’s syndrome. Rita Smith, consultant and national expert on violence against women, argues that siding with the abuser is a creative coping strategy: “The coping skills of those abused are phenomenal efforts to stay alive and functioning in an incredibly stressful and dangerous environment.”
HOW CAN VICTIMS GET SUPPORT?
“Women, whose perceptions are constantly challenged, lose their sense of groundedness and reality, and find it increasingly difficult to trust their own perceptions of events.”
— Debbie Hager
If she suspects that abuse may be taking place within her intimate relationship, the victim may want to check out her impressions with somebody she trusts.
Unfortunately however her friends and family may not recognise or acknowledge that her partner is behaving abusively.
We live in a male supremacist world, in which the dominance of men over women in every field from politics and business to science and medicine, and at every level of society and culture from media, entertainment and sport to education, domestic work, caring and the family is seen as “natural” and inevitable. In this context —
“It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.”
Abusive men tend to behave very differently in public. He may present as a loving devoted husband and father, and his victim will be trained to cover for him and to self-police. Seeing only his “performance”, family and friends who see them only occasionally may think him charming, or at least decent and well meaning. The subtlety of the abuse will escape most people and, of course, his friends and family will not want to believe it.
Furthermore, if anything seems less than perfect about their relationship, he will try to blame the victim (and/or those who try to support her).
The abuser will use smear tactics to try to isolate the victim, slyly suggesting that the victim may be depressive and difficult, that he has his hands full and is doing his best to help her. As well as maligning the victim to try to undermine her support, the abuser will work to create mistrust of those closest to her, and make her question the validity of her outside relationships, suggesting perhaps that she is overly dependent on her family, or that friends are a bad influence. He will do this by misapportioning blame, criticising and making sly comments, often in a joking manner, about her friends, family or colleagues at work. He will also tell her that their relationship issues are secret and private and not to be talked about with anybody else, no matter how far things go between them.
“In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. Secrecy and silence are the perpetrator’s first line of defense. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens.
To this end, he marshals an impressive array of arguments, from the most blatant denial to the most sophisticated and elegant rationalization. After every atrocity one can expect to hear the same predictable apologies: it never happened; the victim lies; the victim exaggerates; the victim brought it upon herself; and in any case it is time to forget the past and move on. The more powerful the perpetrator, the greater is his prerogative to name and define reality, and the more completely his arguments prevail.”“The perpetrator’s arguments prove irresistible when the bystander faces them in isolation. Without a supportive social environment, the bystander usually succumbs to the temptation to look the other way. This is true even when the victim is an idealized and valued member of society. Soldiers in every war, even those who have been regarded as heroes, complain bitterly that no one wants to know the real truth about war. When the victim is already devalued (a woman, a child), she may find that the most traumatic events of her life take place outside the realm of socially validated reality. Her experience becomes unspeakable.”
(Judith Herman)
If the abuser does act out in front of others, very often they will feel that they should not get involved. Most people still believe that it is wrong to interfere in domestic arguments between a wife and husband unless they involve physical violence, and are not aware that psychological abuse is, like physical violence, a situation when supportive intervention is absolutely crucial. Any woman who is the victim of psychological abuse is in danger. This is not an overstatement. This process of “the systematic diminishment of another” has been described as a form of slow “soul murder”, a “crushing of the spirit”, which can lead to Post Traumatic Stress syndrome, Stockholm syndrome, mental and physical illness, suicide and even murder.
In any case, unless and until the victim herself begins to find the strength to face what is happening to her friends and family are limited in what they can do to help her. She will be in denial, terrified of having to end her relationship, and will not want to listen to any criticisms of her partner.
Whilst she is in denial the best support that friends and family can offer is to be there, to refuse to back out, and to keep on letting her know, with words and with actions, that she is loved, cherished and valued.
It is very important that friends and family continue to do this — no matter how hard the abuser, sometimes with the active collusion of his victim, may try to provoke estrangement or a breach. Women in abusive relationships are in very real danger — don’t abandon her.
HOW TO STOP THE ABUSE
As victims are slowly, steadily and stealthily brainwashed to believe their abusers version of events, many are unable to recognise that what they are experiencing is unjust and undeserved. The victim will be isolated, it will be difficult for her to find a way to check out whether her feelings anger and fear about the way she is treated have any actual basis in reality, and of course she will want with her heart and soul to believe that it is all in her imagination, and that her partner is the loving helpmeet that he says he is. The abuser will gradually convince her that she is worthless, or crazy, or depressive, or imagining it, or simply not good enough, and that their relationship is the tops, that it’s the best thing — by far — that she has going for her. Using a pattern of persistent and repeated behaviours and tactics, he will gradually beat her down into submission to his will and submersion in his distorted world view.
Once he has got her in this position it will take a lot of courage and resilience for her to break free. Without a stroke of luck or an intervention of some kind the abuse can go on, unchecked and — inevitably — escalating, for years. However, if the abuser steps too far out of line in an overt and public way, this can provide the necessary wake up call. Even without a dramatic act like this, in many cases sooner or later the seeds of doubt are sown in the victim’s mind so that gradually, as the incidents are repeated and the abuse escalates, she might start to be willing to consider whether what is going on in this relationship is normal and healthy or whether there a serious problem which needs to be addressed. It is at this point that some practical support can be offered and some information about the common tactics and behaviours of psychological abuse can be useful. If she can recognise her own situation in these descriptions it may water the seeds of doubt and allow her to start questioning the relationship and registering the injustice of the treatment she is receiving from her partner.
If a woman reaches the point where she begins to see the correspondence between her partner’s behaviour and the hallmarks of psychological abuse, she will have taken the first and the most important step towards stopping the abuse. It is at this point that friends, family and healthcare or legal professionals can offer help and support.
It is important to remind her that the abuse is not going to stop or go away if she hides her head in the sand. Even though she may love her abuser, keeping the abuse hidden, denying it, will not help him either. He too is unhappy and unfulfilled, he too is suffering, and neither she nor he will find a way through the unhappiness as long as the two of them continue to pretend that the abuse is not taking place. One of the hardest things to realise is that one has little to no influence on making deep or lasting changes in the abuser. The only way for him to change is for him to face up to what he is doing, accept responsibility for his actions, and get to work on himself. He cannot do this until the victim faces up to what he is doing to her, so loving him is no excuse — hiding from the truth is not love, and it is not supportive. In the end it will destroy them both.
Women who have acknowledged that their relationship is abusive need to protect themselves. An abusive relationship is like a prison. The victim needs to admit what she is suffering, and then take steps to protect herself, to stop the abuse from happening, and to help herself — and her partner — break free.
I think I am in an abusive relationship. What can I do to stop the abuse?
Whether you decide to stay or to end the relationship:-
— Acknowledge that what is happening is happening!
— Talk to a trusted friend or family member — keep it confidential from your abuser. Be careful here — families sometimes rally round to protect abusers.
— Get in touch with Domestic Abuse agencies and ask for support.
— Set boundaries as to what behaviour you will and will not tolerate from your abuser.
— Get informed — find out about domestic abuse and how to protect yourself.
— Find out about your rights — legal, financial, custodial.
— Whatever you do, say no to any further abuse. You do not deserve it.
Victims can take a first step by setting up some basic boundaries as to what kind of behaviour and treatment they will or will not tolerate.
Dr. Susan Forward’s “Personal Bill of Rights” is a useful tool for this. It sets out the absolute minimum anyone should be asked to accept in terms of treatment from their partner, as follows:
1. The right to be treated with respect
2. The right not to take responsibility for anyone else’s problems or bad behavior
3. The right to get angry
4. The right to say no
5. The right to make mistakes
6. The right to your own feelings, opinions and convictions
7. The right to change your mind or decide on a different course of action
8. The right to negotiate for change
9. The right to ask for emotional support or help
10. The right to protest unfair treatment or criticism
The next step is to get support.
Confide in trusted friends and family who will guarantee your confidentiality (be careful who you confide in as family member and even friends sometimes side with the abuser).
Consult women’s agencies by phone and on the internet and, if possible, in person. Get informed about the phenomenon of domestic abuse, and find out about your options, including your legal rights.
Women survivors of psychological domestic abuse are going to feel guilt and shame and a sense of responsibility for the failure of their relationship. For those who are abused, it is important to remember, the abuse received has nothing to do with them. The actions of the abuser are not their fault.
Most survivors of abusive relationships say that in the end, when they finally find the strength to break the cycle and stop the abuse, they come out feeling stronger, wiser and more self realised than before the abuse ever started.
GETTING HELP
It is important to understand that both victims/survivors of domestic abuse and those who try to help them are often faced with a wall of indifference, denial and even hostility when they try to tell their stories.
Judith Herman writes in Trauma and Recovery, from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror that victims and survivors of trauma — including war veterans, combat victims, and survivors of rape, incest, sexual abuse and domestic abuse — people who “speak about horrible things, things that no one really wants to hear about” — are routinely disbelieved when they try to relate their experiences or seek support, justice or compensation.
There is a natural predeliction to disbelieve tales of atrocity and to shy away from horror, and the credibility of both victims and witnesses is undermined further by the fact that “people who have survived atrocities often tell their stories in a highly emotional, contradictory, and fragmented manner which undermines their credibility.”
“ Witnesses as well as victims are subject to the dialectic of trauma. It is difficult for an observer to remain clearheaded and calm, to see more than a few fragments of the picture at one time, to retain all the pieces, and to fit them together. It is even more difficult to find a language that conveys fully and persuasively what one has seen. Those who attempt to describe the atrocities that they have witnessed also risk their own credibility. To speak publicly about one’s knowledge of atrocities is to invite the stigma that attaches to victims.
Denial, repression, and dissociation operate on a social as well as an individual level.”
The public is also suspicious of those who work with victims of domestic abuse, in advocacy or in refuges and shelters.
In the study of trauma, writes Herman, “it is not only the patients, but also the investigators, of post-traumatic conditions whose credibility is repeatedly challenged.” This is particularly true in relation to the traumas suffered by women under the prevailing social system, which sanctions and legitimises male entitlement and female subordination.
Herman asserts that “The study of trauma in sexual and domestic life becomes legitimate only in a context that challenges the subordination of women and children.”
Unfortunately the current political landscape appears to have backtracked on the gains achieved since the womens rights movements of the 1970s. In a climate where women are struggling to hold onto their single sex-spaces, services, provisions, funding, sports, shortlists and opportunities, their shelters and refuges, even their actual definition as females — is anything but challenging to male supremacy, male entitlement, male privielge and male violence.
Coercive Control is a social problem
Coercive control is not just an issue for individuals, it is a major social problem that has its roots in patriarchal male dominance and continues to be supported by social norms, laws, and institutions. For centuries our society has given more power to men than women, granted permission to dominate women, permission to control female partners, and entitlement for men to get what they want from a woman.
Dee Graham’s book — Loving to Survive: Sexual Terror, Men’s Violence, and Women’s Lives, proposes women’s current psychology as a psychology of women under conditions of captivity — under conditions of terror caused by male violence against women, and that the construct recognised in hostage-taking events known as Stockholm Syndrome, which describes the mutual bonding of hostages and captors, can help us understand female psychology and male-female relations in wider society, beyond the parameters of the abusive relationship.
Graham describes how:
Contempt is publicly expressed for battered women who stay with their partners and each day use every ounce of ingenuity they possess to keep their abusers from becoming (emotionally and physically) violent.
Perhaps we would see the similarities between battered women and women in general if we understood the function that femininity plays in subordinates. Could it be that all women in a patriarchy are battered women and that our femininity is both our strategy for surviving and the proof of our oppression (if proof other than men’s violence against us were needed)?”
— Dee Graham, Loving to Survive, page 196–197
We must ask ourselves why we still live in a society that allows the abuse of women and children to continue, with only a small percentage of the population acknowledging the abuse, and working for change.
Society teaches and reinforces the behaviours women and men manifest. Therefore, it is cultural conditioning that allows men to abuse women and women to take responsibility for it. Until we, as a society, challenge this and teach men to be non-abusive and to take responsibility for their own actions — and the outcomes of their actions — we will continue to perpetuate these behaviours.
Sources:
UK Home Office — domestic violence
Refuge — Domestic Violence help
Women’s Aid against domestic violence
Metropolitan Police — domestic abuse
Speak Out Loud about Psychological Abuse
NHS Choices Domestic Violence
End the Fear — Greater Manchester against Domestic Abuse
Voice of Unity — Muslim Youth magazine
Islamic Unity Society
After Narcissistic Abuse
The Scenario of Domestic Abuse against Women in Kashmir
Bravehearts
Freedom with Insite
You Carry the Cure
Domestic Shelters Org
Domestic Violence resource Center Victoria
The Duluth Abuse Intervention Project
Hidden hurt — domestic abuse information
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service
Domestic Violence Policy
Counselling Resource
Trauma and Recovery, Judith Lewis Herman 1992
Loving to Survive, Dee Graham
Georgia Disaster Info
Operation Lighthouse
He Drove Me Mad, Deborah Mary hager
Spectator: When a dictionary definition becomes hate speech
