The letter I’ve always wanted to write to my son.
I’ve wanted to write you a letter since before you were born to tell you what you mean to me. It got a little sidetracked because of a few premonitions that got in the way of enjoying my entire pregnancy with you, but nevertheless, it has been on my mind since the day we found out we were pregnant.
We fought hard to conceive you. You were desperately wanted and you were an extension, just like your sisters of the love we have for each other. Your father loved both of his girls but talked about what it would be like to have a boy. We both wanted a boy to complete our family, and our wishes were granted. You were so loved!!!
You came into this world, a bright and shining star. And when I was violently whisked away to the ICU fighting for my life, you, little man, were moved to the maternity ward , where the entire nursing staff at Northwestern Memorial Hospital/Prentice cared for you with the heart and soul that only I thought I could give you. And you were so loved.
Even when they called you a “border baby”, a name reserved for babies in the nursery who have no mothers, either because they abandoned their baby or lost their lives during the delivery, you were taken into your father’s loving arms, with skin on skin contact and caressed with tenderness, the way your father always holds me to show what it feels like to be the most important person in his life. You were never abandoned. Ever once. You were so loved!
When I survived and came out the other side in a fog, in time for your big first day at 8 days old, to attend your Bris (circumcision), you had a room of family and complete strangers and an entire medical team showing you just how special and how much you were loved. Even your sister Adina was beaming with pride when she was finally able to get her hands on you. And just to warn you, in the future she will get her hands on you, not so much out of love, but spite… Know somewhere, down deep… Know, she loves you.
My baby boy, you turn 3 this week and I cannot tell you enough how deeply I am in love with you. Many have read in the book how much we had gone through together… How scared and confused I was, but I promise you this: if I had to do it all over again and give birth to you the same way, to have you in our lives, I would. I so would.
People ask, “when you crossed over, did you see the light?” I say it wasn’t like that. I saw my spirit. I saw my impending doom… And I saw you. I then realized, I did see a light. And it was shining through you.
Keep being the light beam shining your way through life. Always look up. See the light in others. Help them see what true love can do to save lives, survive and change the world. One moment at a time. You are off to an incredible start. And you ARE so loved.
Our bond is unbreakable. And your father and I will remain so faithfully in love with you, in this lifetime and the ones to come.
I love you my sweet angel.
Mommy (aka poopie head jumper in 3 year old speak).