I’ve noticed something startling about myself. I watch YouTube vlogs to gain a sense of fulfilment.

It’s a sad thought but the less, heinously true.

I noticed that when I’d get home, before I kicked off my greasy Doc Martins, I’d have the YouTube app open and be watching “a-day-in-the-life” of some british content creator or worse, viners.

Suddenly, a few decent hours later self awareness catches up and with an ironically unforeseen amount of frustration I ask myself ‘is this adding any value to my life?’.

Long answer? No.

Is watching these videos productive?’

No.

Is this habit making you happy?’

Hell. No.

Then WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

It’s with these thoughts that I aggressively yank out my headphones, shut down the app and put my phone on airplane mode.

Now, I understand we all have our ways of winding down and if I spent half an hour or an hour a day vegetating to these videos then it would actually be something productive and have a point. It’d give me rest, something I need to continue working at a peak level. Outside of this though, it’s just a waste.

I sit there with a scowl on my face as I come to a greater revelation of the disappointment in my heart. I’m running away.

I’m running away from my existence. An existence I’m not proud of. I am running from shame.

To clarify, I’m not a crack whore but I know in the deepest of my deep that I am not doing what I truly want to do. And that very present and real lack is enough to make me stick my head in the sand.

What exactly it is I want to do, I don’t know but I can tell by the videos I watch it’s got to do with creativity, travel, and people. Hence why I gravitate to that content. I want what they have.

Right now two question pop into my mind: What is it that I fantasise about? And as a child, what’d I want to do when I grew up?

As a kid I wanted to paint, or be a vet, or act.

These things have two themes: creativity and helping, even more deeply- travel. That’s why acting appeals to me, it’s creative and you get to travel as part of your job. That just sounds amazing to me.

What my current fantasies are are not white sandy beaches or days spent doing nothing, it’s traveling and writing and speaking to people. I love leading people down the paths of revelation. I love seeing their eyes light up when they realise truth; that life can be better, and that they can be happy. That makes me happy!

So maybe I do know what I want to do? How to get there is the next question, I guess.

What did you want to do as a kid? Do you dabble in it now? And what are your fantasies? What makes you heart come alive? Lemme know.

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