On being an Apple customer

Let me take you through the emotional roller coaster of being an Apple customer.

1. We start with despair. Here you are, in a close relationship with someone (Apple) and they won’t talk to you. You love them, but they won’t even call you between dates (product keynotes).

2. Then come the leaks, and let’s face it…you want this to work. You want to feel like you still matter to your significant other. Here, you enter into a new season of optimism.

3. The keynote is announced, and Gruber or Horace say you are getting a new product. Their information isn’t on the record (wink, wink), but you enter into a frenzy of excitement. You are now at the stage of unreasonable hope.

4. It’s keynote day! You are basically ditching work…or maybe not, depending on the quality of your home ISP. Either way, you are just waiting to see Tim tell you that you matter. Your long lost other will show up. Love will prevail!!!!

5. Five minutes after they launch your product: “WHAT….THE…FUCK?!

6. That night: You realize it’s your fault. They aren’t superhuman. It’s Daring Fireball’s problem. They set your expectations too high. Friggin’ Gruber. I hate that guy. (Whoa, that doesn’t mean I am going to unsubscribe….crazy talk.) You now have one job….get the product.

7. Launch day…You have all the rationality of a 6 year old doped up on cotton candy and KoolAid. You have no regard for any responsibilities or the wellbeing of others. You have a singular purpose. You just want your device! You are at the peak emotional high.

8. Six months later: You are at the reality stage. It’s not as great as you thought. It’s not as bad as you thought. It’s a pretty well done device. You are happy, content and productive.

9. 2–4 years later…begin again at Step 1.

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