For Whom the Bell Tolls

Steve Benko
Sep 8, 2018 · 5 min read

I usually don’t feel anything when celebrities pass away. There have been times where I did. I think generally I feel some sort of emotion with it but the passing of Mac Miller hit me like a freight train.

I started listening to Mac Miller my senior year of high school. I remember because it was right around when the Pittsburgh invasion of Mac and Wiz Khalifa became major.

K.I.D.S was the first project I heard from Mac. It was an homage to the movie Kids by Larry Clark. I thought, alright I can listen to this. It was easy listening. It was really carefree, and during that miserable part of my life, carefree was what I needed.

Kool-Aid and Frozen Pizza had that old Lord Finesse beat and I remember listening to that song nonstop for a week straight.

The video had Mac walking through the streets of Pittsburgh, a city on which I had little to no knowledge.

Fast forward seven years — I live in Pittsburgh now and can relate to a lot of the references that Mac has in music.

I planned on going to see him perform in Pittsburgh in November, I was so excited to see he dropped tour dates that I almost bought tickets the day they came out. But I do remember thinking about how excited I was. I mean, I had been listening to him for the better part of a decade and now was the time I would be able to see him.

It’s weird, you know?

You don’t know celebrities personally, but sometimes you can feel like you do. The way they interact through music or social media gives them a persona that many of us feel relate to.

It can be a good and a bad thing, but it can be a bad thing because, in times of what could be self-destruction, it’s not a good image for us to feel like we can relate to.


His death is profoundly tragic and when I first saw the news, I didn’t actually believe it. It felt like I lost a friend. Why would I feel this way? I’ve never met him, but for some reason, I felt this weird connection and I don’t know why.

Maybe it was the relatability of his music, maybe it was just his demeanor, maybe he just gave off a vibe we all felt.

The last few years of his music felt different. The quality was always there, but the content changed somewhat. Substance abuse can do that, and unfortunately for him, it seemed to consume him.

Toward the end of his life, it seemed as though he became a prisoner of his own thoughts and was looking for an outlet he could not find. Life, it seems, imitates art.

No one deserves to feel like they’re trapped in their own mind with no way out. Celebrities are no different. Nobody is immune to these kinds of issues. I had to figure out how to react to this. I texted a few of my friends, and we all had the same kind of reaction.

There are a lot of artists that drop subliminal lyrics in their songs that allude to them being in a certain state-of-mind but I’m sure

“I just need a way out of my head. I’ll do anything for a way out of my head.”

…ain’t sneaking up on anyone.

And the issue is it’s relatable, and we should remember that we all have these issues we need to work through. He was clearly in rough shape and had a lot of destructive outlets. He knew it.

It’s tough feeling like you’re a prisoner of your own thoughts. We all have some form of demon, but the way we react to it is important. Sometimes the devil you know, doesn’t beat the devil you don’t.

I wonder what he felt in the last few hours of his life.

I don’t know why that’s something I want to know, but I do. I want to know how he woke up, how did he go to bed? Did he talk to anyone the day before? Did he wake up thinking it would be his last day? Did he go about his day as he normally would? I can’t help but wonder.

Everyone talks about how people have so much to live for, and it’s not that I disagree, but I also think people don’t handle everything similarly. He was tweeted about over three million times Friday. Three million.

I can’t help but think he passed away sad and lonely and that makes me upset. Celebrities tweeted about him by the dozens, sharing personal stories about how great of a person he was, the whole community of Pittsburgh is mourning his death.

It’s also important to remember that Mac was just a kid from Pittsburgh, he never really changed. Outside of Wiz Khalifa and Mac, there aren’t really any rappers who rose to the level of superstardom like he did. He made it easy to be nerdy about things. The snapback era allowed me to transition from wearing New Era fitted caps.

Living in Pennsylvania helped me see the true impact he had on people around his age group. It was almost like he ushered in a completely new era of music.

He didn’t deserve to feel this way, no one does. Mental health is a fantastic talking point but when it comes to action, just remember that the smallest gesture can mean the world to someone.

Do I think someone reaching out to him would have saved his life? Of course not. Sometimes issues are much bigger than just having a shoulder to lean on. But the shoulder helps. If anyone you know is struggling or seems like they’re struggling, engage with them as much as they’ll allow.

If there’s anything we can learn from Mac, it’s that whether it was or was not on purpose, transparency is key. He showed us at every point of his career how he felt emotionally. Not everyone does. Most people, in general, don’t.

As I write this I still can’t believe it’s true. I really can’t. I wish it weren’t, but it is. He was a great person and artist. He really did have a song for every mood.

Sometimes we take life for granted, but more importantly, sometimes things happen that are beyond our control. Sometimes, life just isn’t fair. Sometimes just existing is excruciatingly hard.

Just remember, though, if you are just existing don’t be too hard on yourself, there are some people who felt like they couldn’t. Just making it is enough.

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