A Grace Disguised
Page 26, 27, and 34 — Reflections
Page 26: I remember the realization sweeping over me that I would soon plunge into a darkness from which I might never again emerge as a sane, normal, believing man.
For me, I recall laying down the night of May 7th, after the doctor informed Bridget and me of the terminal diagnosis. I laid on a temporary mattress on the floor in Bridget’s hospital room. Bridget and I talked for a couple of hours both in disbelief, but also with acceptance. (Bridget knew in her heart that she was dying before she was diagnosed.) I had an overwhelming concern for my ability to support Bridget as she journeyed to Heaven, to provide some amount of normalcy for Grace, and to quarterback the extended family through this journey. A month or two after Bridget died, I recall thanking God for Grace and Chloe in the realization that without them, and my love and responsibility for them, I would possibly have plunged into a life of insanity, addiction, and unbelief.
My concern relatively to my sanity resurfaced in early 2014. I recall putting the girls to bed upstairs. As I was walking down the stairs to the living room I thought to myself, if something doesn’t change they are going to have to put me into the looney bin. I shared that concern with my then girlfriend. Within two months of that comment I was re-introduced by a gentleman named Doug, whom I met only once, to the book A Grace Disguised. My girlfriend of over 2-years broke up with me which caused a lot of pain and anger at my inability to move forward emotionally with her. And, my parents intervened in my life encouraging me to seek medical advice about depression.
Page 27: That initial deluge of loss slowly gave way over the next months to the steady seepage of pain that comes when grief, like flood waters refusing to subside, finds every crack and crevice of the human spirit to enter and erode. I thought that I was going to lose my mind. I was overwhelmed with depression.
I like the analogy of pain to steady seepage, for so it was with me. Given the family support and the responsibility to care for Grace and Chloe and my structured list of “must dos,” I never experienced anything more than a week-long deep depression during the first few years. (Examples of my “must dos” are invite friends and family over for dinner a few times a month, keep a very nice yard, keep a clean and tidy house, clean the kitchen before going to bed every night, utensil handles down in the dishwasher in keeping with Bridget’s way of doing it, etc.) Rather, I suffered in small doses consistently; day-after-day, week-after-week, month-after-month the grief seeped through me. At the time I felt my grief appropriately contained within heart, holding joy hostage to a degree. In retrospect the grief permeated much more of my life to include selfishness, disengagement from deep interpersonal relationships, lack of energy, active avoidance of almost anything out of my routine. I leaned on my grief as opposed to leaning into it. And, my history of depression and lack of medication likely exacerbated my inability/unwillingness to lean into my grief.
Page 34: Within a few days of the accident I sat down with family and friends to discuss how I was going to face my grief, manage my home, and raise my children.
I don’t recall addressing grief with my family; rather my approach was to demonstrate—as is my nature—that I can excel at grieving. What is excelling at grief? For me it was doing it alone, in private, and not burdening my kids, my family, or those that I interacted with—I grieved in solitude. It was a completely self-centered approach and journey that I took with my own thoughts and emotions. As for the home, I remember asking for support from my parents, my siblings, and their wives. I also had the support of my mother-in-law for the first year following Bridget’s death. Knowing that I would hire an au pair also provided a plan for managing the household duties such as cleaning after the girls and the girls’ laundry. Raising Grace and Chloe has fallen where it should and where I would want it, upon me. I have set the course for discipline and fostered their curiosities and growth. That said, given that so many extended family members grieved Bridget’s death and the loss of Grace and Chloe’s mother, and they poured themselves into helping the girls, through that association and love they felt a level of ownership and input into parenting that has created a tension. For example, more than one family member has clear thoughts on where I have gone astray as a parent and they have voiced them, the au pairs have their opinions as do others. I have chalked it up as the price of needing their assistance, but there has been a price to it all.