Overcoming Anxiety
A couple of years ago I wrote a blog post around what it was like being married to someone with anxiety. Originally I wrote it as a letter to my wife but she felt inspired to share the post and give her friends and family a window into our world. We don’t usually share such details about our lives but the mental health charity MIND feels that the more we talk about mental health the less stigma surrounds it. So we shared it and were blown away by the reaction.
To date it has had close to 150,000 views and is the top Google result for “married to someone with anxiety”. Friends reached out to us and shared their own experiences of anxiety or mental health problems they had suffered. My wife found it liberating.
I wanted to write a follow up to that blog post I shared because it’s mental health awareness week next week and I know people will be just beginning their own journey or are perhaps in the middle of what can sometimes feel a very dark place with no obvious escape.
The most important thing I can say from experience is that it does get better.
With work, an awareness of triggers and good habits I firmly believe anxiety can be managed so effectively that you and your partner can at times forget that one or either of you are suffering from it.
Before sharing her story my wife felt an outsider and like so many battling Anxiety she felt she was the only one in the world battling this illness, and wrongly felt weird. There is nothing weird about people with Anxiety. In fact, some of my wife’s greatest qualities are as a direct result of this illness. She’s sensitive, incredibly kind and generous — especially with her time. She values her relationships and has a level of empathy that is almost unique to anyone I’ve met. She’s considerate to those that are less fortunate and I firmly believe anxiety has helped her in being a great mum. If you’re suffering with anxiety and are like my wife you will wish that you could be a different person entirely but chances are your partner loves you for exactly who you are and rather than changing it is instead about managing a condition that informs who you are and not one that defines who you are.
Six years ago my wife and I were in an incredibly dark place.
She was suffering with something that was crippling her — both physically and mentally. This thing, that was later diagnosed as anxiety, had taken a hold of our lives and became the only thing in it. Our lives were totally dominated by it and there was no obvious escape. I can’t explain the anguish of seeing the person you love most in the world suffering and you not being able to help with that. If you are going through that with a partner now then I know only too well how utterly heart-breaking that is.
For my wife, anxiety meant that she couldn’t sleep such were the severity of the palpitations she was suffering with. In fact, they were so severe that on three separate occasions I rung an ambulance as we thought she was having a heart attack. Our social lives almost collapsed because going out meant facing the world when she was unfortunately ill equipped to do so. How she still went to work and attempted to see her friends and soldier on is testament to her enormous strength of character. However, we were foolish. Soldering on was not a solution. Soldering on merely papered over the cracks. She would commute up to 4 hours a day and sleep just two hours a night. We saw a doctor, a useless one at that, who put her on completely the wrong medication — did we check it at the time? No. Another mistake. Did we tell friends and family what she was going through? No again.
You can’t expect your situation to change if you just keep repeating the same behaviours.
So what did we do?
First, she quit her job. It was a well-paid job but the travelling involved was crippling her. We changed our doctor and didn’t stop changing until we found one who we trusted and who listened to us. We found a counsellor — someone who she liked and felt comfortable with. We got a cat, arguably the best decision we’ve ever made as laughable as that statement is!
We learnt what her triggers were and avoided them, or put plans in to deal with those triggers. For example, if she was particularly worried about an upcoming night out then where possible we’d try and have an early night the evening before. We created something called “positive routines” which enabled her to get into good habits. For example, reading before bed, writing to do lists, putting events in a diary. It’s amazing how simple changes can have such an impact. An anxious mind is often a cluttered mind. If you’re able to help your partner de-clutter then you may be able to help reduce that anxiety.
Fast forward six years and it’s unbelievable where she is today. She’s a mum, and an absolutely amazing one at that.
She’s thrown herself into mother and child clubs and met scores of new people and has a calendar packed full of plans. Our child seems to be thriving and is incredibly happy as the below picture shows!
And she’s loving the new life she has carved out for herself. She’s worked in education for four years and helped shape young people’s lives and is simply brilliant at that. The proof of this was the amount of gifts she got from pupils when she went on maternity leave. We are able to do things that just did not seem possible six years ago. Does she still get anxious? Yes. Is she ruled by anxiety? Absolutely not.
As for me, I too am happy. I have been blessed with a loving family and am fortunate enough to enjoy my work. I play football 3 times a week, see my friends and write questionable sitcoms. Life is good. Six years ago you may well have got a different answer but when you enter into a partnership you do your best to protect the one you love from pain, you don’t walk away when things get tough and I think we’ve done a great job navigating through all of the up’s and down’s. We talk every single day which has undoubtedly allowed our relationship to remain intact.
If you or your partner are going through your own journey then we are the proof that it can get better.
However, if you are hoping it will get better by itself then I have my doubts.
I am a big believer in taking action and whilst I am in no way an expert I do think that if you feel like you are doing something about it then that’s half the battle. It’s about wrestling back control of something that previously had been controlling you/us.
As we enter into mental health awareness week I’d just like to say how proud I am of my wife and that I wish you all the very best in your own individual battles.
Steve
