Grey
Grey
Jul 27, 2017 · 8 min read

Life, Death, and how we Live.

Photo: Greg Rakozy

I talk a lot about perspective, about how things can always be framed differently. This is based off of life experience, and some of that experience has been painful. But I have never looked at that as a bad thing. Or maybe, more specifically, I don’t expect bad things not to happen. It started off as pessimism in my earlier years, but has come down to more of a logistical concept now. We live in such a delicate, intricate, world that a lot of times when people get hurt or pass along to the next place, its because of links in the chain that didn’t line up that day. It sounds morbid, but sometimes things just happen.

As my family woke up to a call this morning with news of a relative passing, the first feeling is always shock, for most people. My first feeling was, and always is, “What happened!” But not in the sense of what happened to the person, what is happening now. Once again, always to the threat stage. The next part is “the flush”, which I would contribute to some sort of small adrenaline dump, then to the reality of a person not being in our realm anymore. The next feeling is one of awareness; one where I know the sadness is there but I also know something can be done or learned from it. This is not an easy stage to get to, unless you have experience with pain. I would call it a healthy respect for the person, what they went through, and what to do now. Instead of fear or sadness its just energy, the reality of what has happened.

I didn’t have a lot of experience with this family member, but we did interact a few times, and some things stuck out to me. These things can apply to what most of us are trying to achieve, which is constant self improvement, and taking the red pill. When I say red pill I don’t mean just between men and women; I mean literally stepping out of the matrix and realizing that there is more out there than just our worm hole view of life.

This young man struck me as someone that had demons from a real young age, but he was aware of those demons. His childhood was not always the easiest, but he didn’t bitch about it. I have to admit that he had a sense of being almost too “happy” sometimes; like a tactic to cover up the pain, but he was determined to be better. This is why our conversations have stuck with me.

While I was not in constant contact with him, I would hear about his life. He had a good woman; a woman that stuck by his side and supported his training in a new career. He used this training to find his purpose, and he immediately started working. He had committed to this woman, committed himself to his career, and also to buying a property. From what I saw this was not a young man playing house, this was someone that took his piece of this world and made something out of it. It may have been a battle up until this point, but at least he fought the battle.

After being shown his social media page this morning, I saw a person that had taken the red pill and was moving in the right direction. I saw a person that while it sounds cliche always had a smile on his face, even in the midst of life’s storms. I looked for the traces of someone being “too happy,” someone trying to put a band aid on their past. I couldn’t find it. This is what makes it so hard for families. It wasn’t their “time.” They had a whole “future” ahead of them. I hear this in every situation I’ve been in when someone passes. There is always a sense of what “should” have happened, or “why” it happened the way it did. These are valid questions, and they are constant. Which shows me there is a pattern.

Like I said before, sometimes death is logistical. Weird way to put it, I know, but sometimes all the parts of the machine don’t link up and something goes wrong. Other times the person choses a profession where there was a high likelihood things could go wrong. Then there are times where age wins and its time to move on. We all believe that time will take its toll on us, but don’t want to think about the in-between. There is a mental model that comes with life and death, but I think its flawed.

I remember hearing a mediation coach tell me a story about an old man who was at the stage in life where he would pass. Everyone was up in arms that he would be “leaving” them. The man was confused and replied, “Where would I go?” There is data in this. The idea from some philosophies is that we are always “here” and the idea that our whole point of existence is nothing more than a sack of meat that roams the earth is wrong. Look at consciousness, no one can really explain it, but its there, so who’s to say it hasn’t always been there? How do we explain all the studies on near death experiences, and when kids are born with information in their heads from families across the globe? I cant explain it, but I have lurked around the data for a little while now. On top of that, I have had experiences where there was no doubt in my mind that there is something “more” out there.

I will try to explain some of these stories. When a very close family member of mine was murdered, my family was obviously devastated. At the time I had been out of the country and when I got back it felt like the land of the dead. There was a cloud that hung over head and there were no signs of clear skies.

Then a weird thing happened. There was a set of sheets we donated to goodwill. Thousands of people go in those stores a week and you have no idea what the history is on those items, and there were hundreds of items we donated. One day we got a call from the store. A man who bought the sheets came in to tell the manager that the first night he slept on the sheets a woman came to him in all white with dark hair and said “Tell my family I’m ok and happy here.” This man had no idea what it meant or where the sheets had come from. Being the person I’am, I actually looked into it. Per the manager, no one was told about what had happened, and per my family, they never told the manager what happened anyway. They just donated the items and left.

What does this mean? I don’t know, and who would know for sure. What I do know is that there is a lot more going on out there than we think. The idea of this two dimensional world of alive or dead and nothing in between, seems to break down when you actually spend enough time around the living and the dead.

Another incident happened to me personally. I was sleeping on a couch at a family members house. By that time I was a mess, mostly in a daze. I missed this person tremendously but I took on as many burdens as I could so my family would not have to. One night I woke up feeling like I was choking but I couldn’t move. I jumped up but didn’t actually jump, it was like someone was holding me down. I remember staring straight ahead seeing the light coming through the windows, but I heard nothing in the actual room. I felt like I was drowning. Then all of a sudden I heard her voice and nothing else around me. She told me she was “Ok” and in no pain where she was. I told her that I missed her; in a way that a child would, innocent just stating the facts. I wanted to say more but I was unable to, something was stopping me, and she just kept on talking. She told me that none of us should worry, she was happier where she was. The feeling I had was why would anyone want to come back here when this other place is pain free. I don’t mean like a traditional “heaven,” it was just another place free of our bullshit, free of the pain. I wanted to keep talking but she said goodbye. I said that I loved her and that was it. I closed my eyes, opened them, and everything was back to normal. I was crying the whole time and didn’t even notice it.

Other incidents like lamps turning off and on during her birthday, making jokes out loud about her and fire alarms going off, still happen to this day. At this point I don’t think much into it. The way I see it is, if you are open to that space, whether its energy or another level of consciousness, then things will happen.

I think life is a special thing, I think we are lucky to catch a ride on this journey, but I also think we look at it the wrong way. We have only now. Thats it. Do what you need to do with it. Chasing the future will not get you any closer to it. The more I read, the more I study, I don’t see any other way it can be. We expect to be 100 years old saying “fuck it” in our death beds, but thats a fairy tale. We have no idea what the future holds, or even if we will be in it. What we do know is we have right now, and death should put us in a perspective that allows us to live.

I will admit that I’m not sold on anything yet as far as death. I’m leaning more towards the camp of I don’t know but I do know something more is out there. I’ve learned this year with my own personal bullshit that answers are everywhere. They come out on paper when you write, and they are also in books. The author Colin Wilson says books are the only true tool that controls time and spreads data. We can go read a book about Ancient Rome, but were aren’t in Rome; books can be powerful. I was reading a chapter in a random book last night about the afterlife. Then I read another book about it, and everything had a connection. I don’t know exactly what that connection is but its like when people on a psychedelic report that “beings” told them that they were happy to see them; there is something more out there and we don’t know how to access it.

I think a man has to be open to any possibility. He has to know that one book won’t answer all his questions, but also know a book can answer questions. He has to know that life is important, but might not be the only thing out there. He has to know that he is more than a sack of meat standing upright, but also know that this is the only sack of meat he has in this moment. A man has to see the line, walk to it, and flirt with it, but always be aware that it is still a line and there are consequences if he crosses it.

The meaning of life is to live but also to search for answers. In saying that, I think death may be the same thing but possibly with more answers. We just don’t know those answers until we are there.

We should be able to use these situations to learn and to live, not make us depressed. As the stoics would say, nature only throws at us what we can handle, because everything is part of nature.

Pain is normal, life is normal, death is normal, even it doesnt always feel like it.

Grey

Written by

Grey

Wolves dont lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.

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