I’m not sure when it happens exactly, generally sometime after college, but when you grow up you have this realization that your parents aren’t just your parents — they’re people. People who had brilliant lives before you even existed, who at some point never even thought of you at all, who have inner worlds as rich and complex and neurotic as yours is! It’s kind of mind-blowing.

And it’s also kind of hard to know what to do with that insight.

If your family had a clear delineation between the kids and the adults, you probably don’t even know all that much about your parents. Especially their lives not in relation to you or your siblings. But now that you’re an adult, it’s a lot more possible to really bond with your parents and see them as friends rather than disciplinarians (or whatever main role they played in your adolescence.)

Why Should I Get to Know My Parents?

Getting to know your parents as real people gives you more compassion for them. It might even allow some space for forgiveness around things that happened while you were growing up. Maybe you still resent your dad for working so much or are frustrated by your mom’s lack of confidence. As children, we look at our parents as heroes and when they “fail” in some way, it affects us deeply. Getting to know the lives of your parents beyond their roles as “mom” and “dad” can be therapeutic because you have a better understanding of all the other roles, responsibilities, and pressures they had to take on and deal with along with their parental duties. (Note: Asking questions of an abusive parent is probably not going to lead to forgiveness — you may need to do some work in therapy to resolve more serious issues.)

Why else would you want to bond with your parents as an adult? You may have felt you weren’t allowed to ask questions growing up or you might have even had a teenage falling out and are now ready for a reconciliation. Or maybe you had a great relationship and want to make it even better. Whatever your reason for wanting to bond with your parents, read ahead for advice and questions you can use to start a dialogue, from harmless, fun questions to the deeper life questions.

Starting a Conversation

It can be awkward to start an intense conversation with your parents, especially if this isn’t part of your past or current dynamic. One thing that makes it easier is to use a holiday as an excuse. Thanksgiving and Christmas could work — but you could also use Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or Parent’s Day (July 27) as your reasoning. Say something like, “I was reading this article on how to bond with your parents and they suggested some fun questions to ask. I thought I could read some of the questions and we could both/all answer them.” They might be a little nervous, but will probably at least agree to try it out. It’s good to also answer the questions yourself as best as you can. That way they’re learning about deeper parts of you as well, and it feels like more of a sharing than an interrogation. This might seem like a silly game at first, but give it a chance and you’ll connect like you haven’t ever before!

A List of Questions to Ask to Bond with Your Parents

Baby Steps

These questions are useful because they are fairly low pressure. They’re fun ways to get to know someone a little bit better, but are mostly focused on outside events or people so that they aren’t too personal or threatening. If you’re nervous about talking to your parents these are great places to start (and maybe you don’t even move onto the other questions!) so that it feels like a fun game.

What is the best meal you ever had? Describe it.

Who has had the biggest positive impact on your life so far — whether or not you’ve met them? How have they impacted you?

If you could either fly, be invisible, or time travel — only for one day — which would you choose? Why?

Have you ever been in the newspaper? If so, why?

A Little More Personal

If all goes well with the fun questions or you want to return to this exercise, try asking questions that are a little more personal. These four questions get into some of the more emotional events, thoughts, and feelings in your parents’ lives, but are still fairly innocuous. They can take them pretty deep or keep it casual, depending on what they want to disclose (and so can you!)

What is the moment in your life that you felt the happiest?

What is your most valuable (non-living) possession? Why does it mean so much to you?

What haven’t you done that you’ve always wanted to do?

If you could write a book what would you write about?

Getting Deep

Once a little more personal territory is covered you can dive into the really deep questions. These questions are more direct and deal with intense emotions like heartache, grief, frustration, and regret. It’s really important here that you and your parents feel comfortable with discussing things deeply and you may not want to ask them all at once.

Can you remember the first time you had your heart broken? What happened?

Who is the closest family member you’ve ever lost? What things would you say to them if you could have one last conversation?

What is the most difficult challenge you’ve faced in your lifetime? How have you learned from it?

If there were one decision in your life you could remake, what would it be?

What If They Don’t Want to Answer?

One of these questions or something you say might trigger your parents and they close up. First, remember again that they are people too, with baggage and emotions and fear that drive their actions (just like you!). They’re not invincible. Think of a question someone has asked that has upset you. It’s generally something that the question brought up that hit a raw nerve. For example: “Are you seeing anyone?” can be a fairly innocuous question, unless you’ve been stewing and worrying about why you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Then, the question can feel like an attack or a judgment. Sometimes our words rub up against someone else’s sore spot and we have no way of knowing until it’s happened. If your parents don’t seem forthcoming about a particular question — keep it light. Don’t press too hard and possibly change the subject. They’ll bring it up again later if they want to talk about it and if they don’t, they won’t. We all deserve the right to some privacy and you should feel like you can set boundaries with them as well.

Parting Advice

One thing to remember is that all of these questions might bring up other conversations, memories, or stories — let it happen! Sticking to this list of questions too formally will make the conversation feel stiff. To let it flow, ask for more details about something your parents said or if another question occurs to you — ask away! Starting a dialogue like this with your parents will deepen your relationship with them and be more insightful than the usual, “So, what’s new with you?” You can even get your grandparents in on the mix if you like!

All of these questions come from StoryShelter, so if you want to preserve the memories and thoughts you’re sharing, set up or log in to your account and write in your responses! You can even go to the drop down menu when you hover over your name to create a group with just you and your parents. That way, you can share your stories with only one another so they’re easy to find!