Freshman Says He Doesn’t Need to Join Clubs Because “Chicken Tenders Are My Friends”
Nate Tucker, FCLC ’21, has decided that he will not be reaching out to club leaders to take part in any Fordham extra-curricular activities during his remaining seven and a half semesters at the school, because he has already established a strong friendship with the Ram Cafe’s crispy chicken tenders.
The young Ram was overheard saying this justification for loneliness to his roommate Will Donnelly last Monday, as a response to Donnelly’s question of whether Tucker wanted to join Model UN with him. Tucker reassured his concerned roommate with a pat on the shoulder and an eerily vacant stare into space, coupled with the justification for his decision to choose fried poultry over friends: “Chicken tenders don’t ask you to research Bangladesh for a conference. Chicken tenders understand.”
When pressed for how Tucker plans to replace his social life with the popular Aramark food item, he said, “I think it’s going to be very easy. From the moment we first saw each other, we just clicked. We go everywhere together: to my room, to the library, to class, to the bathroom…there’s really nothing I would rather do without them.”
Two days later, tensions in McKeon 21–08 seemed to reach a peak between Donnelly and Tucker’s new-found friend. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ASKED OUR R.A. IF YOU COULD SWITCH ME OUT AS YOUR ROOMMATE WITH A $5 DISH OF CHICKEN TENDERS,” Donnelly was heard yelling. Tucker had no direct response for Donnelly. Instead, he continued tucking a single chicken tender into Donnelly’s bed, and whispering something not entirely distinguishable, but sounded like “there, there, Tender. You won’t ever forget when it’s your turn to take out the trash, now will you? No, you won’t ever let me down…”
Interestingly enough, Tucker isn’t the only new Fordham student choosing fowl over friends this fall. 61% of Class of 2021 members surveyed said that they would rather spend their fifteen minutes choking down fried chicken by-product made by the Nation’s #1 Prison Chow Provider than make a genuine human connection with a classmate. In addition, 38% said that they wouldn’t mind paying up to $10 a day for the bird flesh strips if it meant that they wouldn’t have to make polite conversation with anyone also sitting alone in a McKeon lounge with them for the rest of the year. Most surprising, 19% of freshmen even offered to take this deal with the Ram Cafe’s crispy chicken sandwiches, even though Aramark employees have confirmed that not a single one of those has ever sold.
“Our numbers are growing,” said Tucker between loving French kisses with a small scraggly tender. “They’re growing just like a sophomore living in an overflow McMahon apartment: salty and alone.”