John O’Scrooge, a Changed Man, Anonymously Donates to Fordham’s Emergency Relief Fund

John O’Scrooge, a student of social work in the Graduate School of Social Services, awoke a changed man on the unusually warm morning of September 26.

As the light filtered through his crooked McMahon Hall window blinds that never seemed to be able to close correctly, he recollected the prior night, a journey of nostalgia, discovery, and possibility.

At the stroke of midnight, he was disturbed from consuming his late night halal food by an abrupt bleating sound from the hallway. Suddenly, the door into his living room swung open, and there before him floated the ghost of none other than Rameses XXVII, the last of Fordham’s live ram mascots.

“BAHHHHHHHHH” Rameses XXVII roared at O’Scrooge. “BAHHHHHHHH.”

And then, Rameses XXVII soared over to the window, and disappeared into the night.

Throughout the remainder of the night, O’Scrooge was visited by three more spirits.

At the stroke of one, the ghost of Archbishop American Director John Hughes appeared, preaching the importance of a Catholic education and explaining the cultural value of 80s cinema.

At the stroke of two, the disembodied spirit of Rev. Joseph M. McShane, S.J., appeared, to tell O’Scrooge the importance of the Dodransbicentennial and why it is important to give back to Fordham after graduating #FordhamGives.

And then, in his own good time, the third spirit appeared, this one more foreboding and mysterious than the others. A robed figure with indistinguishable features, he cradled a cardboard box under one arm, and held a signature pad with the other. It was of this ghost that O’Scrooge was the most afraid.

“What do you want from me, spirit,” O’Scrooge demanded of the ghoul. It had been a long night, and he was still telling himself that tomorrow would finally be the day when he would wake up on time for his 8:30 a.m. class (he wouldn’t).

The ghoul did not respond at first. He stood there, and then began to put down the box cradled under his arm, taking delicate care to make sure that its structural integrity was preserved. He then lifted his free hand into the air, and menacingly pointed at the signature pad.

“What do you want from me,” O’Scrooge repeated, befuddled by the spirit’s motions.

Then, the ghoul broke his silence, and bellowed forth in a deep voice that chilled O’Scrooge to the bone, “OKAY YOU MAY SIGN.”

Terrified, O’Scrooge followed the spirit’s instructions, and reached for the signature pad. He scrawled his name into the device, and waited for what would be next.

But as he put the pen back down, he was no longer in the presence of the mysterious figure.

He was back in his room, surrounded by the laundry he still had not done that he had assured himself he would do a week ago.

Suddenly realizing the power of giving back to the community and being a man for others, O’Scrooge hoisted himself from his mattress, tore down his shitty blinds, and cracked open his window, leaning his head into the inconveniently small open space to the outside that the McMahon hall windows allowed.

“Hello, my fine fellow,” O’Scrooge yelled down into the plaza at a freshman student milling about, still trying to decide on his major.

“Hello,” returned the confused youth.

“Do you know the fine Flame Diner establishment in the next street but one, at the corner,” O’Scrooge inquired.

“I should hope I did,” the boy replied.

“An intelligent boy!” said O’Scrooge. “A remarkable boy! Do you know whether they’ve sold the giant oreo pancake they had there? Not the little one. The big one?”

“What, the one as big as me?” returned the boy.

“What a delightful boy!” said O’Scrooge, still trying to crane his neck out of the window. “It’s a pleasure to talk to him. Yes, my buck!”

“It’s hanging there now,” replied the freshman.

“Is it?” said O’Scrooge. “Go and buy it.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” exclaimed the boy.

“No, no,” said O’Scrooge. “I am in earnest. Go and buy it, and tell them to bring it here, that I may give them direction where to take it. Come back with it, and I’ll give you a declining balance dollar. Come back with it in less than five minutes, and I’ll get you chicken tenders from the Ram Cafe!”

The boy scurried away in the direction of The Flame, eager to gorge on the delectable fried poultry product that awaited him upon his return.

O’Scrooge then got ready for the day. He knew what he had to do.

He made his way over to the Office for Campus Ministry in the 140W Building, which he took special care not to refer to as the Gabelli Building, much to the delight of the university’s leadership.

“How may I help you today,” replied Sunny Kim, sitting at his desk in the office and wearing his characteristic baby blue button down with black tie.

“I would like to match every dollar collected from this point forward, up to $5,000, for the Emergency Relief Fund,” O’Scrooge said proudly.

“Should we list it under your name?” Kim inquired.

“No,” O’Scrooge replied. “I wish to remain anonymous.”

“Anonymous?” Kim clarified.

“Yes,” O’Scrooge said. He pulled a Guy Faux mask out of his bag, put it on, and abruptly left the office. He has not been heard from since.

Later that day, the Fordham community was informed that a student of social work in the Graduate School of Social Services had decided to make a donation. “This person, who wishes, to remain anonymous, was pleased with Fordham’s efforts to contribute to relief efforts and offered to match every dollar collected from this point, up to $5,000,” the email noted.

We hope that all members of the Fordham community will continue to donate to this cause and to the causes of those in need, following the example of the wonderful John O’Scrooge, a friend to all.

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