WIll ORRIN HATCH REALLY BE OUR NEXT PRESIDENT? VEGAS SAYS: “MAYBE!”

All this talk of impeachment has Las Vegas buzzing. Never ones to miss out on a whimsical bet involving the fate of the free world, odds-makers are now seeing some serious action around an impending “impeachmentapalozza”. Google searches for US Presidential Line of Succession are at record highs, outnumbering favorite google searches such as Justin Bieber haircut secrets, getting pregnant from a toilet seat, was Hitler Jewish? (answer might surprise you), and why does poopie smell like shit?

Those even marginally familiar with the US government know that the Vice President (currently Mike Pence) is first in line if the president is impeached. Many were aware that the second in line was Speaker of the House (currently Paul Ryan). But to the surprise of quite a few people, Orrin Hatch, the octogenarian Senate Pro Tempore (not the Senate Majority Leader) is third in line.

This has created growing excitement among “Hatchheads” that this Senate also-ran and enemy of the Video Game Industry could finally be bringing his fresh Utah perspective to the Oval Office.

But should this marginalized community of elderly Orrin “Hatchimals” be excited? With current Trump related crises picking up steam, the short answer is, “maybe”. Impeachment scholars suggest that for this scenario to play out, a presidential scandal would have to cast a wide net, quickly. The VP and Speaker would have to resign in shame or assume the Presidency only to be immediately impeached because of their association with said scandal.

Which is why the “Hatchet Men” are keeping their fingers crossed that the Russians colluded with candidate Trump and his team to undermine democracy and install an unstable, petulant, borderline illiterate, spoiled megalomaniac into the White House. Surely Mike Pence would get caught up in that dumpster fire, “Borin Orrin’s” fans are thinking. But what did Paul Ryan know and when did he know it? And what to make of all the other stories making the rounds in the DC underground about Ryan’s closeted, er, communist connections?

Doctors are advising Hatch supporters not to get too excited (for heart reasons). But they might not be able to contain themselves when they see the latest betting line around the question:

Who will be the US President on January 1, 2018.

CURRENT ODDS:

  1. Donald Trump: 1.1 to 1 (almost even money). A bet of $1 would return $1.10.
  2. Mike Pence: 2 to 1. $1 bet = $2. Pence will need to avoid a giant cloud of stink to survive a Russian election tampering scandal. But he may be able to inoculate himself from other impeachable Trump offenses if he can fully master the art of playing stupid.
  3. Paul Ryan: 4.5 to 1. $1 bet = $4.50. Ryan’s strategy of hanging on just long enough to watch everything burn down around him could pay off for him and for those that bet on him. Until people discover Comrade Ryan’s true intentions.
  4. Orrin Hatch: 7 to 1. $1 bet = $7. If you’re Orrin Hatch, you can’t be too mad at these odds: the dumpster fire president, the “my best argument is that I had no idea about the dumpster fire” Vice President, and the secret communist house speaker are the only things standing between you and you’re long awaited take down of the video game industry. 2017 could be a very good year for Orrin and his constituents.

In related news, leaked phone call transcripts from an anonymous Vegas bookie include a conversation with a “Don Drump”, in which he places three sizable bets on Pence, Ryan, and Hatch in order to “hedge myself financially on this whole president thing that I thought would be tremendous and benefit my brand bigly but has now turned into mostly an annoying nuisance full of weird handshakes with foreigners.”

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