3 game changers that revolutionized the #adoptee #birthmother #genealogy search for good or ill

Esther (above) is my full sister. Andy is our full brother. Helen is our mother. At midlife I reunited with them and we are fast friends. It’s been a singular joy. I’m immensely grateful to know them. It does not always work out this way.
When my mechanic/buddy hears I found my birthmother, he says, “Yeah I always wanted to do that, but where do you even start?”
- It’s never too late.
- You do have to be prepared for whatever you find.
- It gets easier every day and may soon be unavoidable (especially for your kids).
Once upon a time it was really tough. My adopted cousin paid thousands of dollars in CASH to a secret “searcher.” Can you say bribe? My adopted sister relied on an extensive volunteer network of “search angels.” I spent a lot of time on the phone and the computer with archives and county courthouses and newspaper archives and datasets of births and deaths and marriages and divorces (AFTER the “Adoption Reunion Registry.”)
But now it’s easier than ever to discover your biological history if you’re an adoptee (whether you know it or not since I’ve also talked to plenty of guys who learned when they were 12 or 18 or 26 or 52 that “Dad” and “Father” were not the same person).
What’s changed?
- Home DNA tests are not just affordable, they are rapidly becoming universal among genealogy buffs.
- Social Media. If you’re not connected through one network, even if it’s not that FB thing, your other family members are.
- Your third cousins are looking, not just your immediate family. And someday your kids or their kids will be looking.
So what does this mean?
Family history research rivals gardening in popularity. Now there is no genealogy without DNA. DNA is not the final story, but no search is complete with paper records and data sets and cemeteries and family Bibles anymore. So DNA tests go for $80-$100 and are proliferating and being fruitful and multiplying like our ancestors did. At some point we’ll reach a tipping point and your remote cousins will fill in the blanks.
Those people filling in the blanks will be talking about you and your mother and possibly your father on those social media sites that you’re feeling sanctimonious about ignoring. I don’t think it’s a good thing. I think social media addiction is a leading contributor to anxiety and depression. But you can learn your own story by doing the work yourself or wait for your kids or your distant cousins and nieces and nephews to learn it without you.
Let’s say you manage to shuffle off this particular incarnation and check out for the big dirt nap without ever learning the truth of your biological history. Those snoopy nieces and nephews will go right on spitting into vials and shipping it off to Ancestry or 23&me and anxiously awaiting the results.
They’ll only have to follow a few clicks to spot the difference between the newspaper clip of your Dad and the biological science of your paternity.
If someone you love has been lying to you for years or decades, never knowing how to bring it up, this sudden revelation can be upsetting.
So I’d encourage you to take some deep breaths. Pray and/or go to a trusted therapist, spiritual advisor or true friend, and do the DNA and the family history searching before someone else does it for you.
It doesn’t mean these bio parents have to reunite with you or you with them.
It just means it’s your story. The truth is out there. Own it.
