An air crash was under investigation. Four ducks had simultaneously flown into each engine of a Boeing 747 and the National Transport Safety Bureau’s Go Team were scratching their heads.
Twenty miles away at an R&D facility an evil scientist was sweating, knowing that the penis enlargement pill experiment he was conducting in the after hours had gone wrong, that he had gotten rid of the evidence by throwing materials in the pond so that the brass wouldn’t find out he was wasting resources — It was a duck pond “…Fuck.”
Guilt driven he felt the need to check them out, feed them, and try to ascertain the damage. They behaved strangely, very asshole-ee, taking bread from him with a frumpy attitude, giving him the evil eye for being slow on the dispersion, behavior he hadn’t seen in ducks before.
Capturing two and making super scientific experiments on them he found out something to do with testosterone making parts of their brain more active and hence making them kinda aspergy. He was in a rush having to hide those experiments as well, but he tested their maneuvering capability by simulating danger with his remote controlled drone and found that they had gained way above average spatial coordination and intelligence, up to super-ducky levels, amazingly quick to learn to maneuver and fuck with the scientists drone, ending up ruining it. “It gives them a boner for conquering stuff” the scientist figured. Since the ducks were hard to catch he had to poison their food to kill them but he didn’t have the heart to kill the whole pond — for an evil scientist he was a softie — so he shot himself in the head instead.
This was only the beginning for in a few days the pest would escalate; Ducks flying kamikaze into jet propellers, ruining buildings with bird turds, making pavements slippery, breaking hips and joints of old timers. It was like the movie Birds, but more coordinated and sadistic.
The government didn’t have a choice, they needed to exterminate all ducks. The wide eyed bambi hippies protested “This and most everything else is our fault!” they cried (“We”, meaning “humans” was implicit, and really “you humans” more so than “all humans”) ,… but who listens to them. The scientists had predicted that the extermination of ducks wouldn’t have much effect on the planet’s delicate balance of symbiosis anyways, “Duck’s are nobody’s natural predator nor prey” they figured, so the army got the Go ahead and mayhem ensued.
Problem was… The weapon of choice for killing the now extremely resilient and strategic sky creatures was jets and helicopters, since air cannons were not optimal for chasing them around, but the ducks were really good in taking those devices down with them, kamikaze style, that was their whole shtick.
The first stage of the Duck War had gotten really costly, and no less so when the Army started using drones to lower the cost of human lives. So the army resorted to using the finest Bofors land based anti aircraft cannons they could buy from Sweden (Who are the fourth biggest weapons manufacturers in the world, in case you didn’t know… and at one time the biggest manufacturer of landmines,… for blowing miniature human toes to pieces…. Wolfs in Swed clothing, as they are known in the Arms industry ).
But anyways… After a while It seemed as if all the ducks had been killed.
But then the Swan’s started attacking too!?! WTF?!?
“… Wait a minute”… said Johnny Keyboard, a super-hacker millennial with all the right views, and the political-conspiracy-video-blogger with the most subscribers on youtube…. “Why isn’t anybody questioning this R&D facility stationed near animals??? Shouldn’t they be, like, further away and stuff?… And is that company in any way connected to the military industrial complex?”
“Snappy thinking, Johnny” all the commenters on youtube commented within seconds; Then went to work saving the world by blogging on their keyboards.
Johnny wasn’t referring to the R&D company our evil scientist had worked at, but coincidentally that facility also had a pond nearby — so, close enough. People knew it had something to do with something sciency, no need to get bogged down in details.
Now, the strangest thing happened. The National Securities Adviser walked into the President’s office and said “The bloggers have all come to agree on this situation, and what is more… they are all absolutely right in their opinions, each and everyone of them, exactamundo, right on the money.”
By a stroke of genius, and against all odds, for once the politicians actually listened to the bloggers, and set up an investigative committee, to look into Johnny’s concerns. “About time”, Johnny said “Now we just need to wait the estimated time it takes committee’s to do things”.
So they waited. Journalists constantly asking representatives questions about further plans turned into questions about inadequacy turned into questions about incentives and corporate conspiracies with few coherent answers delivered from our elected brass and their unelected highly paid master orators.
But then..a representative of the military Industrial Complex, tired of the daily barrage of questions, in a moment of honesty, blurted out “Of course there are relations between just about any chemical R&D institution and the weapons industry… what do you expect, we blow stuff up!?! This is like claiming something fishy about all the connections Ice-Cream companies have to cow farms, for fucks sake!”
He thought he was making a point about the symbiosis of industries and trade in the free market, but journalists with their Master’s degree in Critical theory and Deconstructionism knew better… “Nice try there white man” they collectively blogged — and youtubers with all the time in the world for endless scrutiny knew even better than that.
Such a firestorm was made that for the first time in U.S history people in high offices in the military and associated boards of companies needed to resign for something else than sex scandals, and new people were put in their place.
The new brass was open about the incident. A Truth Committee was assembled and it stated: “It is true that the Industrial military complex conspired to make ducks mean, to sell more anti-aircraft guns, airplanes and helicopters… War was going down on a graph thing that describes our income, and not enough machine tools were being ruined in conflict and therefore not enough re-bought… So in response to our legal duties to stockholders, we needed to grow a new market, so we elected the animals easiest to hunt, ducks, but the cravings of our evil scientists, who always want to push the limit and open all Pandora’s boxes available, as countless Hollywood sci-fi movies will tell you, drove them to making the aggression and coordination booster too potent with testosterone ingestion's, the true elixir of evil, as you can learn in Uni humanities courses… We are all terribly sorry, and we promise to never do it again, now here is some free money in the form of a loan raising the deficit”
After this had blown over it turned out that a businessman who owned a whole lot of aircraft hangars had sheltered some ducks, and he was hailed as the Oskar Schindler of the Duck Genocide.
As restitution for the ducks, who still are affected by the scientific experiments — they are not just normal ducks after all, they think somewhat like humans — they got to own and run Wall Street.
About twenty years later they would be the stockholders driving another bubble, but that is another story.
Addendum: Johnny Keyboard wasn’t having any of it. He didn’t believe that the man they had made the scapegoat, the evil scientist who shoot himself in the head, was responsible for the mean ducks. He claimed the chemicals from evil scientists independent penis enlargement experiment had no effect on the ducks, penile-wise or otherwise, but other skeptic bloggers said “nonsense.”
The rest of the world got bored of this topic though. The story had lost its steam. A new Wicker-man of the Week had been crowned, some dude that when stuck on an Island called the indigenous people there “Savages”, but anyways, the world was in balance, but Johnny’s mind was not.