The importance of a ceremonial marriage

The Introduction phase

We ended our long courtship and decided to marry. Well, to be very honest, we did not decide unanimously — we wished to marry each other long time back. But the final decision and the day and the time was decided by our respective families. There was tension between both of us on how to reveal about our relationship to her family. They belong to a different caste and were biased and conservative about others who do not belong to the same category. Also, I was not rich — still was dreaming to set up my own business and she was pursuing higher studies. My family was financially struggling to make ends meet at that time. Not the right time to marry — but it happened.

The two families met for the first time at our house, leaving both of us anxious on the decision and the outcome. None of us had any mobile phones at that time. The only phone was in the same floor where they were meeting and I was not allowed to enter the discussion till called for — so there were no way I could talk to her and ease the butterflies in our stomach. They saw me for the first time. And I was, though confident, nervous. Her father asked me just one question — do you think you can support her? I said yes. That support, what he asked for, was not about money…but had a more cognitive aspect to it.

They invited us to their home next. All three of us sat in the same sofa — I was waiting for her appearance. We followed the “paka dekha” as per tradition — the bride’s family comes to the groom’s family first asking for his hand. And then the groom’s family returns the favor by visiting them with gifts and sweets in order to celebrate the official “first look of the bride” and to finalize the dates. This also marks the beginning of a new relationship between the two families.

(She wore a red saree that day but I could not stare at her straight — that is a sign of impatience! That moment — when we caught eyes and grinned, time froze.)

The Preparation

This is nothing new to people who has gone through this phase- nothing exceptional that our families followed. We only complied with tradition. And most who have sustained a ceremonial marriage, has gone through the same process.

The families decided that we should stop meeting each other for the last six months till we are getting married. That was a harsh call for us as we used to meet almost every day. Nevertheless, we did not oblige to the entire summons and sneaked in — adding to the charm of a discreet meet –‘seeing each other without anybody knowing about it’. And we shared about the shopping, the catering and the list of invitees.

The shopping was a huge deal for me — as I hate shopping. The more exciting part for me was the reunion — family, distant relatives, long-lost friends — we made a list of all and made that connection. People started calling and flocking every weekend — and our house turned noisy and bubbly.

The Transformation

Both of us were determined to follow the rituals. Hindu marriage is a 3 day affair.

Day 1 is the day before the wedding day — when your parents and family members celebrate your bachelorhood with a grand feast. Friends celebrate a bachelors’ night — but then I celebrated it almost every weekend since the wedding day was fixed — so, my friends kept it down to a house party with beer, disco and dance.

Day 2 is the wedding day. I had to get up early and swallow some food before the sun rises. Rest of the day you have to keep the fast and you cannot eat till you are married! The emotional metamorphosis kicks in from then. I silently submitted and surrendered myself to the rituals — one after the other. And they were time-bound. In the evening, a designated responsible person from the bride’s family came to pick me up. My friends and other relatives followed me to the venue. In Hindu marriages, the groom’s mother is not allowed to attend her son’s marriage ceremony. So, my mother stayed back home to welcome us — the married couple — the next day.

However withdrawn you may seem, a ceremonial marriage challenges your social side. You meet people you don’t know — and you have to greet them with a relentless smile. You cannot complain about your fasting body, excited mind and confused brain.

The oath taking is a serious stuff. And during this time, perhaps, the bride and the groom seriously realizes that they are entering into a new life. The promises you make — of staying together and providing each other with the basic comforts of life — happens in public. For my case, there were about five hundred people present, if not more. The pledge was taken ceremonially invoking a sense of subtle responsibility — that transforms your character and promotes your integrity. It is a different kind of excitement that, I feel now, was “a special moment of happiness” which I failed to comprehend at that point of time.

Day 3 is homecoming. And you follow the rituals for another day till you are actually allowed to sleep together. That part is celebrated with much pomp and grandeur by family and friends. “Phool-Sojjya” or “Suhaag Raat” denotes that you are sleeping with your life partner for the first time; and thereby breaking your virginity. The bed was decorated with flowers and close friends and family members introduced us to games and stories that were supposed to set up the mood for a romantic spell. However my dearest friends encircled my room and stayed back till extended hours in anticipation of something to happen. My ‘Scottish’ friend who no longer keeps in touch was hiding underneath the bed and crawled out when my sister intervened.

We are in a new life.

It is debatable whether leaving your parents and settling down as a wife in a new family is more difficult or coming back to your own home in a different status and showing you care for both mother and wife with equal affection is more challenging — but anyway, it was a new beginning.

The entire process creates an association that grows stronger with time. The ceremonial marriage and the family conglomeration entail you to hang on to sustain a relationship when you are in emotional dilemma and going through a testing phase in life. I guess, for eloped marriages, the social responsibility part gets overlooked and with time and distractions, loss of love, lifestyle changes and personal grudges, it may overrun the practical sense of attachment that is never committed in a social way. That process is missing. Therefore, you may not feel the social obligation to stay together if you are tempted to break away free. It may support individualism but when you are deciding to marry, you are no longer an individual contributor to the institution of thoughts or judgments in your life.

I wrote this for my son and niece. They are growing up in a different time — difficult for people like me, of my generation, to accept their beliefs on a sustainable social structure. But I hope that they read this and remember the traditional values and virtues that a ceremonial and social marriage brings to one’s life. Rest is up to God!