Stop Arguing With Me About My Gender
This rant originated on Twitter, but some people hate reading essay-style tweet threads, so now it’s on Medium to be more accessible for those of you who may have trouble with them.
If someone tells you their gender is/isn’t something, don’t try to debate or disprove it. Ask yourself why you want to do that. Ask yourself why it’s SO important to you that someone IS a woman, man, or neither, when they’ve just told you they weren’t.
Are we hurting you personally in some way by matching or not matching what you think a man/woman/nonbinary person should look like? Are you confused because we’re undermining a social system and gender binary that you seem to be clinging to desperately, even though the gender binary and its rigid enforcement hurts people of all genders — probably including you? Does the identity of this non-cisgender person invalidate your own identity in some way? Or are you just being an asshole? Because my money is on “being an asshole.”
If your attraction to a non-cis person makes you question your sexuality, work that out in your own time. Don’t invalidate us because of it. Just like I get to choose my identity, you get to choose yours! You don’t get to erase my existence because you don’t like whatever your attraction to me means.
Ask yourself those questions and work through them privately, by the way. Don’t ask the person you just tried to aggressively misgender. They probably aren’t feeling particularly charitable after you just told them you don’t believe their gender identity, or they don’t pass, or you won’t use their name or pronouns. Don’t force them to do the mental and emotional labor with you, because minorities are asked to do this all the time, and most of us are tired of it. Use Google. Hire a therapist. Go to the library.
Anyway, the underlying principle of this etiquette rule is MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND DON’T BE A DICK. Just accept what we say and adhere to our wish that you use the appropriate name and pronouns. If your friend Betty changes her name to Felicia, you probably start calling her Felicia. Why can’t you do that for us too?
This also applies to situations where our sexualities are brought into question, and it is equally bullshit in that circumstance too. A cis man isn’t going to make a lesbian convert. She doesn’t “just need to find the right man.” She doesn’t “just need a good deep dicking.” (Which is a terribly cissexist way to frame it, and overlooks the fact that she may be getting a good, deep dicking already… from her female partner.)
She’s not attracted to men. What makes you so amazing that you’ll completely shatter her sexuality paradigm just by sleeping with her? You’re probably not even the first cis dude to tell her that you can “cure” her lesbianism. (P.S. I don’t feel like this should still need to be said in 2017, but apparently it does: NOT BEING HETERO OR CISGENDER OR ALLOSEXUAL IS NOT A DISEASE. IT’S NOT “CURABLE” AND CANNOT BE “CORRECTED”.)
Also, another thing I’m sick of having to say: our sexuality is NOT contingent on our current partner(s). None of us are less queer just because our relationship “passes as straight.” Queer people with female identities are not straight if they are dating a man. Queer people with male identities are not straight if they are dating a woman. They are still queer.
Please don’t try to explain my identity away as if I haven’t thought about it a lot, or as if it isn’t real. Trust me. It’s real. It’s not for funsies. Do you seriously think anyone would voluntarily live a life where people question our choices and identities and use those to justify taking away our rights just for shits and giggles? Don’t you think we’d live the “easy” way if this were just a choice that we didn’t care about? We’re just trying to be authentic to ourselves and do what makes us happy instead of living a life that we don’t want to live. You’re probably doing the same thing, and if you’re NOT trying to live authentically and happily then that’s your own business, and I still have zero obligation to live the same way you do.
So if a non-heterosexual, non-cisgender person tells you, “I’m not a woman,” or, “I’m not a man,” or, “I’m not straight,” or, “My pronouns are ___,” JUST SAY SORRY FOR ASSUMING AND THAT YOU’LL DO BETTER. And then actually do better. Don’t debate our identity among your friends. Don’t spend hours formulating some way to “change our minds.” Don’t freak out about how it affects you or our relationship. I’m the same person, I just don’t check the “female” gender box on surveys. My queer and trans identities are not ABOUT you. You don’t get to decide. You weren’t even on my mind when I decided. This is my body and my identity. I get to decide what I am, and what I say goes. If we’re not culturally appropriating an identity then we’re literally not hurting anyone else by not being cis.
With that in mind, why do you still think this is up for debate? Why do you think we give a fuck if you think we don’t pass or aren’t really trans or queer? Because I promise, our identities ARE real things, and we don’t give a fuck whether you think so. They are real to us. That’s our experience. That’s how we feel. That’s valid and real.
You saying, “No, you’re the gender you were assigned at birth,” just shows me you suck, because you don’t respect me or care enough about my feelings to acknowledge my identity, experience, and emotions. Name/pronoun/gender changes may take a little time to get used to in conversation if you’ve known us a while, but it’s really NOT a huge inconvenience for you.
YOU just have to try and use the right pronoun/name and correct yourself when you’re wrong, then do better. It’s also good if you correct others when they’re wrong about our pronouns as well and encourage them to use the right ones. That’s it. Meanwhile WE have to deal with whatever our identity means for us and how we relate to others, and with assholes like you who think our identities are bullshit. We have to deal with our identities preventing us from holding certain jobs, getting married, not being discriminated against, or using public bathrooms. We are struggling because of our identity — you are not.
I have to decide what to do with someone who thinks so little of me that they won’t even use the right pronouns and let me be myself. You have to do some mental labor that requires a small amount of brainpower (to remember my pronouns) and will eventually become second nature to you. I have to figure out if I’m avoiding you, or what I have to do to convince you to listen to me and respect me and treat me like a human being. That requires a lot more mental effort on my part, to say nothing of whatever physical, monetary, or scheduling-related labors I must do to address this.
If you’re an important part of my life, this invalidation can be SUPER painful. If you really care about me, why won’t you even try? Is it THAT important to classify me based on my genitals? You might not even be someone that will EVER see my genitals.
If you’re not an important part of my life and you try to invalidate my identity, you’re getting axed. I won’t even give you three strikes. I’m the only asshole allowed in my life. Living in minority communities this long has hardened me. I’ve finally realized I don’t owe anyone shit, and if you cross me, you’re out. My time and feelings are more valuable to me than coddling your willfully ignorant ass, so try your best to get it right the first time if you actually want to associate with me.
Every time you try to invalidate minority people, just know you become a joke AND an item on our shitlist to our friends and communities. If our communities are closely-knit and committed to safe spaces, they’ll push you the fuck out so you can’t do that shit to us or anyone else. We DO tell our friends… a lot. We tell them what you said, verbatim, and how it made us feel, and how rude and ignorant you were. We shake our heads sadly because you’re so determined to be an asshole. And that’s literally all your invalidation is: you being an asshole.
Depending on how shitty you were to us, some of us fight back. We don’t HAVE to forgive and forget, and you’re lucky if we do. You’re LUCKY if the nonbinary/trans/queer person you just tried to undermine doesn’t verbally eviscerate you and publicly humiliate you in retaliation. When invalidating our identities, you’re pushing a very, VERY oft-used button. It has zero resistance and it shoots a rocket into your face.
No one has infinite patience. Nobody on this planet is a saint, and lots of us don’t even aspire to be. Not everyone will give you a free shot. Many of us will bite back. Maybe even literally, if you’re especially unlucky. But all of this suffering can be avoided if you don’t provoke us in the first place by being an asshole! Just be nice! It’s easy! It will take you less effort to use our pronouns than to argue with us or piece together your broken ego after we show you how small you are.
I’m pretty comfortable saying that’s also the case with lots of forms of violence, both microaggressions and “regular” aggression. It is SO much easier to just be respectful, empathetic, mind your own business, and allow us to exercise the same basic human rights you have than it is to clean up when we take to the streets, key cars, or punch fascists. Seriously, not being oppressive is easier than cleaning up when the oppressed fight back. Try it. You might be surprised.
