Open Letter To Starbucks

To Whom It May Concern,

My three year old son and I will occasionally swing by one of your locations near our home on the way to drop him at his school in the morning. It is a pleasant ritual. A quiet time. The existential procession of our car in the drive-thru affords me time to let go of my fears of parental inadequacy because I can’t remember if today is “book day” or “show and share” day. I take note of how fast he is growing and how adorable he is when he shouts, “Daddy, I want Bah-Nilla milk!” from the back seat. His screams only slightly muffled by the finger that seems perpetually lodged in his left nostril.

Today the serenity of our ritual was shattered. Below is a photo of the Starbucks Vanilla Organic Lowfat Milk we purchased. Forgive me for being blunt, but does that look like a F&%king box of vanilla milk to you? What is that, a khaki cow? Well guess what, kids don’t drink khaki milk. They drink; milk, chocolate milk, vanilla milk, and strawberry milk. And while the Supreme Court has ruled corporations are people, clearly the Starbucks corporation is not a person with children.

Listen, I understand where you are coming from. Two color printing saves money — “Bottom line! Bottom line! Bottom line!” — and I’m sure some well meaning designer picked a Pantone color assuring you it was no where near the chocolate section.

The problem is kids don’t use Pantone colors, they use crayon colors and in crayon colors your cow might as well be brown. Do you know what brown cows do? Brown cows make chocolate milk. Not vanilla milk, or strawberry milk, chocolate milk.

I know the milk in the box is not chocolate. You know the milk in the box is not chocolate. Your staff knows the box is not chocolate. But you know who does believe there is chocolate milk in the box? The once adorable three year old who is now showcasing a full-throttle meltdown in the Starbucks drive-thru lane because all he really wanted was, “BAH-NILLA MILK!”

While no parent wants to admit it, there is a darkness inside every child. A darkness we all fear. A darkness that if left untamed will most certainly lead to our child becoming a serial killer, a school shooter or God forbid, a politician.

So please for the love of God, country, the kids and flavored milk of all shades, take the steps required to remedy the problem. Preferably by Saturday, it’s going to be a busy day.