Check us out, seven white guys without masks in your tiny little airport! Booya! We don’t care that the sign clearly says “MASKS REQUIRED,” or that the COVID-19 risk level in your small fishing town is currently at “high.” You know what we care about? Fishing and cornhole. We’re really good at getting little things into holes.
Are you mad because we’re sports-grunting our spittle around your unvaccinated children? Fantastic! Getting a rise out of you gets a rise out of us, if you catch our drift, and you’re pretty hot when you’re angry.
Dear Secretary of the Board,
I just glanced at the meeting minutes from last week, and they seem to have been exposed to an outbreak of semicolons. The world is a dangerous place full of disinformation, virus mutations, and dangling participles. Therefore we must take every precaution against all threats of punctuation variants.
We cannot control the more aggressive and contagious Delta variant from becoming the dominant US strain, just as we cannot control the possibility of someone reading these minutes and thinking, “Geez, why didn’t they use an em dash instead of a semicolon?” …
We must address your new campaign “No Copulation without Vaccination.” Does it please you to know that you have left the entire population of Athens as hard and thick as the columns of the Parthenon?
You have stated that if your husbands want the missionary, they must first Moderna. No phuck without Pfizer. No johnson without Johnson & Johnson.
We take issue with your “injections or erections” slogan. We still have to passive-aggressively hang our noses out of our masks indoors, so what’s the point?
I mean, the odds of our dying…
Woah. There are, like, a lot of people at my son’s baseball game. They look so… sporty. And there is literally no shade. Wow, it’s hot!
Do I really have to stay and cheer my son on? He won’t notice if I leave, right? No, I’m going to do this. Put on my game face. Step up to the plate. Knock it out of the park. Yeah, baseball stuff.
Oh no, now there’s even more people, and they’re firing up a grill? Does this mean they’re staying? Why can’t everyone just drop their kid off and leave?
Do I approach…
Feeling unseen? Tired of living life in a drab, colorless world? Want to trip balls on a workday with your boss’s blessing? If you answered yes, then you need cataract surgery.
Let a faceless human dressed in head-to-toe PPE gently nosefuck you with a cotton swab “to make sure you don’t have COVID.” You have no idea what they look like, or if their name is John or Juan or Josephine, but they’re there for you anytime, swabbing that wet-ass proboscis.
You like it, you tell John/Juan/Josephine. “Come back anytime you want,” J coos. “I’ll bill it to your insurance.”
Hey-o, Momma Earth here.
Y’all probably know my birthday is coming up, and I’m sure you’re wondering what to get me. For my birthday, I only ask for one small little intsty-wintsy, Pluto-sized favor. Whoever let their kid play with the weather laser beam, can you please retrieve your child? THE WEATHER LASER IS NOT A TOY.
I’m just assuming it’s a small child, but I could be wrong. It could also be a drunk adult who’s fallen asleep on the tornado button and occasionally rolls over onto the wildfires lever.
These freak storms, droughts, and wildfires are making my…
Due to recent changes in the CDC’s student distancing guidelines, we are delighted to invite your child back to school full-time beginning next week! We will continue to offer remote instruction for those who wish to continue distance learning at home. In considering which learning option works best for your family, we would like to dispel the rumors that in-person school is comparable to George Orwell’s 1984. There are absolutely no similarities between the dystopian novel and the in-person blended learning we offer.
Take for example, how in Orwell’s 1984, Big Brother projected his face onto a large…
Think it’s easy to be a parent to young children during a pandemic? Try being an ogress hermiting in a chicken-legged hut deep in the woods with someone else’s children!
It’s been more than a year since I lured and trapped these unwieldy creatures in my avian shack. First they asked for art supplies, then crafts, then it was snacks. Now I have to be their teacher? I just don’t know how much longer I can hold out before I eat them!
I know what you’re thinking: Baba Yaga the Bony-Legged will be fine. …
Cheering parents watched as children tossed surgical masks into a fire outside the Idaho Capitol in Boise on Saturday as more than 100 people gathered to protest mask mandates as an affront to their civil liberties. — Washington Post, March 7, 2021
Citizens, we stand here today to demand that the government cease restricting our freedoms by forcing us to stop arbitrarily at stop signs. …