Black Hole Sun

“In my eyes, indisposed
In disguise as no one knows” ~ C. Cornell

Yesterday the world lost one of the great ones. One of the artists that formed and shaped the music world in more ways than we can count. Known for his incredible voice and bad ass guitar skills, he was responsible for some of the greatest songs some of us have ever listened to. He was also responsible for his own death.

I live in Seattle now, and the city seemed a little sad today. It didn’t rain, but it was grey and overcast. It was grieving for its son, Chris Cornell.

Yesterday morning I read that he was found in a hotel room with something around his neck and that his death was a possible suicide. I brushed that idea off thinking there is no way. This man was a God to so many of us, he was a legend, there is no fucking way he took his own life. He had a show to do soon, he wouldn’t let his fans down. There is NO FUCKING WAY he would take his own life. Then later tonight, I read that he did. He committed suicide.

Suicide is a bitch of a thing to deal with. I say this as a person who has tried to take her own life more than once, a person who has lost more than one friend and family member to suicide, and someone who knows that there are people who suffer silently and tries to listen to others, not be quick to judge them, and make myself available as someone who is willing to help and provide whatever resources I can to those that need them.

How is it possible that you can have the entire world, be worshiped wherever you go, have a family that loves you and a small daughter that lives for you, and you still want out. You still decide that you have had enough of this spacesuit and it is time for you to fly. How does that work?

I don’t know how it works, but I don’t judge. I have said over and over again that I believe when we know we have had enough, it is O.K. to go, as long as you are more than certain that you are done, and you fully realize that there is no coming back to the same life you are currently living. I believe that we know our own limits. I do not, however, believe that what you are doing to those that you leave behind is O.K.

I am still trying to recover from the loss of one of my best friends a year and a half ago. The coroner ruled his death as natural causes, but there was a note, he was in trouble, and his pride was bigger than his will to live. He crushed me. He fucking made me second guess everything I thought was good in the world. He took his own life and in turn he left me wanting to take my own life as well.

It took a long time for me to be able to feel like I could breath again. There were seconds that felt like years and days that felt like hell had engulfed me. There was a lack of will to live, and honestly the only thing that got me through was my husband and my friends that cared enough to make sure I was holding my shit together as well as I could, and when I couldn’t, they were the glue that kept me together enough to survive.

I am not sure if crying every night, feeling guilty for not being there, and reading your dead friends old messages over and over again until you have them memorized, surviving, but I am still here, so I guess I did something right.

I am not a celebrity. I am not a rock god. I am not anything other than ordinary. I am a girl from Northern Minnesota who has lived a fucked up life. I do no harm, but take no shit. I am caring and careless. I am a suicide survivor and I have survived the suicides of several people who were close to me. It isn’t easy. It hurts.

Last night Seattle shut the lights off on the Space Needle for an hour in honor and memory of Chris Cornell. The Sound Garden will be filled with flowers from fans and friends and family of a man who made a huge impact on this world. We lost him, and I don’t know why, but my heart breaks because he must have felt alone, he must have felt sad, he must have felt lost. No one deserves to feel that way, no matter who they are.

If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal or showing signs of being suicidal, please don’t hesitate to get help. This is how to save a life: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1–800–273–8255.