Exactly Why I Hate You

And I mean it this time.

I hate the way I miss you.

I’ve missed you everyday for almost 2 years time. 
701 days if we want to be exact.
701 is the area code where our families live. 
You turned around and left on my birthday, 2014. 
You never looked back.
Nothing left to give.
Just forgot about our friendship.
Just forgot about me.

Minnesota to California.
Now, back to Minnesota again.
To find that place where I belong seems to be a struggle for me. 
To find out why you fucking act like an asshole when you’re not, 
still baffles the fuck out of me.

2200 miles of tears. 
701 days of being invisible.
Anymore, I can’t even see myself.

The struggle is real.
We feel what we feel.
No one can take that away or erase it. 
So, I have to be understanding of your silence, right?
I guess.

I try.
I try to forget you every single day.
I wake up trying to forget you 
and my pillow hits the head the same way.
The Blue dream helps me not dream.
It’s Novocaine for my soul.
But I can not figure out how to numb this fragile heart that you broke.

This heart beats over and over again.
I don’t always know how it still handles the heartbreak.
I’ts stronger than I give it credit for.
Or maybe it’s not really broken at all.
Maybe the truth is you hurt me because I lost my friend.

You were my friend. 
I had confidence in you. 
Faith in you. 
You were kind and funny.
Smart and serious when need be.
Musical knowledge to suit a king.
Kitten, Slug, Nothing Less.
Nothing more.

I hate you for how you make me feel.
But I love you for letting me feel the highs of our friendship. 
I adore the way you made me come alive for a while.
I hate the way I’ve let you kill my vibe, for a while.

I don’t think this will end until we can at least talk it out.
Say some words, laugh and insult each other with our madness.
I don’t want anything more from you anymore.
I just want to know you are alright.
I know that you lost the fight with the second commitment in your life.
It’s ok. 
I won’t ever judge you.

So for now I will just hate you for a little while more.
It’s easier than liking you.
At least I know what to expect this way.
The silence. 
I am still invisible until you see me.
I hope to see you someday again.
For a minute, for a second, for a day.
I don’t care.

I really just don’t want to hate you anymore.
And I mean it this time.
For real.

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