I Don’t Need You

I don’t need you in my life. And more importantly, I don’t want you in my life.

To me you have always been an illusion, a ruse of sorts. In my imagination you are the perfect mother, beautiful and well spoken, the kind of mother that would bake cookies with me and then talk to me about life, how my day was, how your day went, why you loved me, and those types of things.

You were never that for me nor were you ever that to me. In my mind I love you, I look up to you. I call you when I have something amazing to tell you, you are the very first person I run to tell about my new job, my published article, the new city that I live in and love. You are the one that I can talk to about anything, and that gives me guidance when I need it and love openly and honestly. That is not really you though, you were never that for me. You always made our relationship about you. About what you needed. About what you were missing. About how you were feeling. About how you would be there, but you never really were. You were only there for me as an illusion, for you to write another chapter in your book that you should call “How To Manipulate Others By Pretending To Be A Nice Person”.

When I was a little girl you gave me a beautiful gift. You gave me the gift of learning to fend for myself early on. You gave me the gift of resiliance. And then you left me there with Bill, your husband at the time, not my father. You fucking left me there with him, and because of that you gave him the key to molest me. You gave him the right to violate your little girl, your daughter, and I think you knew what you were doing. I think that was your gift to him for him loving you. I could never be as sick as you, how do you sleep at night? How do you keep pretending that everything is alright? How do you continue to keep playing the victim time after time after time, yet not once could you step up to the plate and take the blame for your own actions. Instead you created lies about me so that you could gain the trust and sympathy of the very people that you had so deeply manipulated. They still don’t realize that you did it do they? You are still playing the same god damn game you have been playing for most, if not all, of your life. I do not need that anymore. I allowed you to be that far too long. I took after you for a little while because it was all I knew, but I am not that anymore, just like you are not welcome in my life anymore, I am no longer any reflection of you.

There are not enough “I’m sorry’s” in the entire world for me to forgive you. Your actions have always spoke louder than your words to me, and I can see through those fake tears. I see right through them. They don’t work for me, and I don’t care to see nor hear them.

I saw what you did, you unblocked me. I am sure that you thought I would never once notice that you did it, but mommy dearest Facebook is not my life. I have a real life, I have things to do, places to go, people to see and help. I am not sitting here in my own little world doped up on pills pretending to live in a reality where people love me. I don’t give a fuck who loves me. I am not in this to make friends and win a popularity contest, I am now in it to speak the truth. I am here to be seen and heard, because we now live in a world full of people who are a lot like you, and if we continue to stay silent and just accept it, then we have become part of the problem. I fight every fucking day to be nothing like you. I am proud that I am nothing like you. My hands look like yours but the rest of me belongs to someone else. The rest of me must look like my father, who is that again? Can you remember his name? Don’t worry, I am actively seeking him out, I am trying to find him, maybe you made a mistake, but you could have at least tried to help me find him, told me something, anything other than what you did. The flowers you sent that day did not make up for the information you kept from me. You can’t gaslight me, I see you.

And today I was notified that you blocked me again. I see it when it happens, I know that you are hoping not to be seen, but I have my settings alerting me so that I know when to expect the emotional wave to appear again. It would be easier if you just keep me blocked, don’t make me do it to you because I won’t. I am not that calister and cold. I wouldn’t do that to you, I’m grown. I didn’t shut you out of my life, you shut me out of yours after you created your own shit storm and then tried to place all of the blame on me. You have lied about me time after time after time after time, more times than I can count, and I have never needed to defend myself. I just allowed you to walk around in your own bullshit, I knew all along. I know about most of your lies. And I am smart enough to know that you will continue to do it. You are going to lie until it all catches up to you, and you no longer have anything or anyone, aren’t you? Or you will just lie until your dying day and not give a fuck in the afterlife about what you’ve done. You are a special kind of person, one that is amazing at manipulating the truth to make yourself look good, and then turning around and throwing the person you created and brought into this world under the bus.

I’m sure you thought I wouldn’t remember, or that I would just not say a word. I have all of the words here. Every single one. The ones about allowing your husband to molest me when I was little, I have his criminal record, he did it to other too so never again do you get to tell me that it was in my head. William. Monster. The two of you were perfect together.

I’m sure you thought I wouldn’t recall the nasty words you put into my head about Chuck. Charlie. My adopted father. He was good to me, he was made because of you. You stole from him. You stole from all of us. You gave me 7 years with him and then put me in the middle of it all again so that I would be on your side. The entire time you gave me to a man 3 years older than me, I was 14, and tried to convince me it was my choice that he lived with us. That I wanted that. You fucking bitch you don’t let 14 year old girls make decisions like that. You allowed me to be violated, you allowed me to get pregnant, you allowed me to fall apart before your very eyes while you stood there with your fuckboy in Rothsay and let it all happen. I will never forgive you for what you did. I will never forget how you helped me give away my kid, the one that I loved, the one I was far too young to have. You knew damn well what you did, and you blamed me.

I hate you. I hate you with every single part of me because of the choices that you made for me. And then you turned it around time after time and made me feel as if I was a horrible terrible person. You made me feel bad for things that I was simply reacting out about due to your crazy ass choices. Who called auntie Dode when we were getting evicted? Me. I was a child. You ruined me for far more years than I should have ever allowed you to. I didn’t know better. I do now.

If you ever wonder why I don’t want you in my life, read this time and again. It will be here for you to see anytime that you need a reminder of who you really are. You are a sad little woman, one who has no excuse for your behaviors and actions. I claim mine. I claim who I was and I claim who I am now. I put the god damn work in. I am proud of who I am and I will not allow you to take away one single bit of my own self worth. You took that from me for far too long, and it isn’t going to happen again.

It makes me sad to know that this is what you have built your life upon. Do you even know what parts of it were real? Was any of it real? Or has the entire thing been about you and what you needed to do in order to be where you wanted to be? You have blamed me for your own actions. I am not the one responsible for your divorce. That was on you.

I hope that one day you will just be honest with everyone. Tell them the truth. Tell them what you have done. Don’t make me have to do it. We both know that this little game you are playing with my children is bullshit, and sooner or later I will have had enough and will just tell them everything. Maybe it is better that way. Maybe it is my mouth that it should come from because you have a very beautiful way of being able to manipulate your stories to end in your favor. I guess I will think about that for a while, but I am not looking to spill the dirt. I am hoping you will just step up and be honest.

You are your own leader, your own guidance, and your decisions are yours to live with. As for me, I spend each of my days trying to overcome the past life that I had to live with you. I am growing each day, I am a better person each day, and I am proud of that. Do I have faults? Of course. But I am not afraid to admit them and deal with them accordingly.

Do I miss you? I miss the idea of you. Honestly, I do not miss you as a person. Do I want you in my life? No. I do not. I have come far too far to allow you to take any of that away from me. You are a liability to me, and because of that, I have come to terms with the fact that we are not meant to have a realationship with one another.

I thank you for my life, and although I wish that I would have had a better mother and been given the chance to have known my father, I am thankful for my grandparents and the memories that I have with them. They were the most beautiful and kind people. I am thankful for my uncles and aunts. I am thankful for Chuck and the 7 years that I did get to have him as my father figure. The truth is, he did a beautiful job with what you gave him to work with. In the end, none of us could work with you, and I was not healthy enough to know how to deal with any of it. I am now. I know that the best way to deal with you is to just simply not allow you a place in my life.

If my children want you in their lives, I respect that and am not looking to interfere with that. I would only hope that they use caution and know that you are not always honest. I am not looking to destroy you, I am not looking to do harm to you, I am not even looking for a chance to talk to you. I do not want bad or harm for you. I want you to have a good life. But, I feel the only way you will ever be able to do that is if you learn to be honest with yourself and with the people that you have lied to. Maybe I am wrong about that, but I don’t think so.

You have ruined relationships for me with my family because you have lied to them. That is no OK. That is not forgivable. And if they want to be so quick to believe your lies, then I am fine with that. I have done alright on my own for this long, I don’t think that is going to change. My family is chosen by me and I am thankful for them. They have not replaced you, yet instead, they have given me a core family that I can count on, that I am loved by, and that accept my love back without expecting anything in return.

Why you unblocked me and then blocked me again on Facebook is something I am unsure of. I don’t really care, but I need you to know beyond a shadow of a doubt, you are not welcome here. That won’t change, I won’t change my mind about that. If you need to know how I am, I don’t think that is something you need to worry about. It hasn’t mattered to you in forever so please don’t start letting it matter now. If you need to know where I am, ask my kids, they know. Other than that, there is not a single part of my life that you should be concerned about. You stopped being my mother a long time ago, and I finally got smart enough to realize that it was time that I stopped being your daughter in return.

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