It always snows in West Hollywood

I would have done anything for you. Anything at all.

I would have helped you escape your demons, escape your crimes, escape yourself. I would have traveled with you to the ends of the earth to make sure you were safe. Not a day goes by when I don’t replay it all in my mind, usually early in the morning waking from a dream that you were in, or late at night in solitude when it’s just me and your memory in the dark. Does that make me crazy? Maybe. But I would prefer to be crazy over heartless.

I would prefer to know that someone still fights for you and will forever remember you, not just your family, but someone from outside of the obvious love. Your family loves and loved you so very much. To hear your sisters heartbroken words just makes my heart hurt so badly. She didn’t have to feel that way, none of us did.

You tested us all, you pushed us and pulled us back in, but no matter what I always knew that you loved us and I always loved you. Today I have said my final peace. I have stated the wrongs that were obvious wrongs and I have shared my thoughts with those that deserved it. I will never know exactly what happened, none of us will, but I will promise you this; I will keep your memory alive, I will love you every single day, and I will live my life in a way that you could have as well. I will not be blinded by the shallow souls in bodies of models who parade around like angels but when in the dark they are snorting the same demons that took you away from us.

I blame so many. I blame so much. I blame myself. I blame you. I should have driven your happy little ass with the 31" waist to a treatment center, but you told me you were fine. I should have intervened when you bragged about the West Hollywood boys you were “seeing”. The same boys that called their boyfriend before calling 911 when they found your body. The same boys that denied the things you did together. The same fucking boys you gave your life for. Those same boys have not changed. They are arrogant little fucks, some with drug addictions that they are hiding because they want the rest of the gay’s to adore them and praise them. They get paid to be the devil in cute underwear, and all of the little puppets follow along. It is all just a show and I no longer want to be a part of the audience.

I have detached from the life I used to live. I haven’t touched cocaine in over 10 months, and I can’t even stomach the thought of it. I know for those of you that are reading this in other parts of the country, you might be shocked that I would even so openly write about cocaine. It was never a problem for me, I didn’t really like it. I only did it once in awhile…fuck that, who am I kidding. It is a brilliant form of weight loss, one that consumes you and makes you feel immortal, the drip in the back of your throat becomes your favorite flavor and the fact that you can keep going and going, for a short while, feels almost as good as it get’s. But nothing that feels that good lasts long, and in the illusion of WeHo, cocaine is almost a staple there.

I’ve disconnected myself. Today was the final disconnect. I said my peace to the people I needed to say it too and I let go of all of the attachments that held me like glue to 7950 W Sunset. With the exception of the 3 people that I consider my friends, the rest are now a memory that is quickly fading into the background of a new chapter.

If I have learned anything out of this 8 months of afterlife it is this; In death we learn a lot about a person, but if you have your eyes open and pay attention, the same things can be learned while we are still here on this earth and able to help one another. I have learned that everything that glitters is not gold and that the devil can come disguised in many forms.

And I have learned that I have changed. I am no longer interested in being around people who are not genuine. I know who my friends are, and the loss of one of the most influential people I have ever met opened my eyes up enough to see. You were a blessing and a curse to me, both equally loved.

I am awake now. Wide awake. And there isn’t much that can stop me from becoming who I want to become, from seeing what I want to see, and from doing the things in the world that matter. I want to give back, not take. I want to create beauty for the rest of the world to see, not just look at the beautiful parts of the world and walk away. I want to be everything that you were yet everything that you were not. The real parts of you. The parts that you kept hidden tightly in a spot in your heart, the ones that you shared with very few of us. I want to keep that part of you alive.

So, today I say goodbye to everything that has held me captive dating back to November 13, 2015. I am letting go of that chapter and creating a new one. I don’t need you to keep coming to me in my dreams anymore, I think you have other people that maybe need to see you more than I do now. I don’t need the reminders of you, the business cards that turn up in odd places, the sound of your laughter…I don’t need any of that, because I could never forget you anyways.

Goodbye my sweet prince. My Richard Gere. My Edward Lewis. My Jayme Hines… free and Godspeed. ❤

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