One Hundred Percent
Yesterday most of use watched as Dr. Ford described her sexual attack by Brett Kavanaugh. I watched. I felt her pain. I don’t know that I would have been as brave as she was.
I also watched him. And what I saw was a white man who felt as if he was below his privilege level. He would not admit to his drinking problem, he would not admit to sexually assaulting Dr. Ford. There is not much that Brett Kavanaugh would admit to doing wrong, because he is your typical man who preys on women who are vulnerable.
As a woman who has endured more than one sexual assault in my life, I can tell you that I get sick and tired of these men who take advantage of women, and then when they get caught in their wrong doings, they turn around and place blame anywhere it will fit, normally on the very woman they have victimized. I have been blamed for the wrongdoing of a grown man who couldn’t take responsibility. I am still being blamed, my name slandered by him, he calls people that are mutual friends of ours or that flow in the same circle that we do and tells them not to have anything to do with me because I am crazy. I am not crazy. I am far from crazy. I am just a woman who is not afraid of speaking out, and he is a man who doesn’t want his demons shared. He wants to remain perfect in the eyes of the people that look up to him. He has a persona to maintain. The truth is he is not a good man. He is a sexual predator and he would never admit to that.
I am not perfect. I am far from it. I will be the very first to tell you that. My childhood was so fucked up that most people are surprised I survived it. I was first sexually abused by my mothers first husband, I was between the ages of 2–4. I was sexually abused again at the age of 7 by my babysitters two sons. They thought it was fun to hold me down and take turns abusing me. And then they would tickle me so bad I couldn’t stand it afterwards because they thought it was cute the way they could make me laugh after. To this very day if you tickle me, I will knock you out. It brings back more bad memories for me than I can explain to you.
I was raped at the age of 15 in the laundry room of our new apartment that we moved into after my mother divorced my third step dad and moved us away to a new city so she wouldn’t have to face her own problems. She wanted a fresh start. I didn’t ask to be raped. No 15 year old who had went through what I did ever would.
That same year my mother allowed my boyfriend who was three years older than me to move in with us . He was allowed to share a bedroom with me, we were allowed to sleep together, I was 15. I want to say this clearly for anyone with a 15 year old daughter. Your 15 year old daughter is not equipped to make decisions like that. Your 15 year old daughter, who might already be traumatized from past sexual experiences does not have the mentality to deal with the ramifications of a adult sexual relationship. That relationship was abusive. He bought me roses after a argument or after he would cheat on me, and in the end result I would normally have a black eye from the vase of the roses after it was thrown at me. My mother checked out long before this happened. She checked out when I was very little, and no one was looking out for me in these situations because she had moved me away from my family.
These things that happened in my life wrote the direction I chose to travel in my journeys. I fell in love with men who would abuse me because I thought that was how it was supposed to work. I was supposed to be submissive and do whatever they would say, and in the end of the last relationship I left with my ankle broken, the tops of the both of my feet broken, and my spirit broken.
When I finally did find a man who was so kind and good to me that he would never raise a hand to me, I didn’t know how to deal with him. I was not used to that. I didn’t know my own value, I knew the value of the trauma I carried around with me instead. I knew that I was broken, I had tried counseling, but not a single man who abused me had ever been brought to justice for it, and in my mind, they were still out there waiting to do this to me again. It isn’t something that leaves you, that feeling of being held down by a man and sexually assaulted. You never forget what that feels like. You might not talk about it to others, you might only try to figure it out in your head, either way, you don’t forget that feeling.
Not that long ago things were not good in my marraige. We were mostly separated yet living together, we were no longer connected in a way that nurtured our relationship. I friended a man on Facebook who instantly showered me with attention. He was a ex pro skateboarder, he owns or manages a skateboard wheel company that has been around for a very long time and has history. He has a personality that is larger than life itself, and I have learned that isn’t always a good thing. He uses women. He is a sexual predator.
He found me when I was vulnerable and he preyed on me. He sent me text messages first thing in the morning to see how I was, he texted during the day, he wanted to see me more often than not, and I complied like a lost little puppy. I liked the attention. I liked the fact that he was who he was, and in my mind he was so much more than he really is. The truth is he is a man who uses women, and several women at a time, to get what he needs sexually. His wife had no idea, and I had no idea that she was still in the picture. He led me to believe that they were separated, just living together, but they had not had a relationship for a very long time. That was a lie. She had no idea.
I also learned that this man had a girlfriend in Santa Cruz. I found that out the day that I was at Coachella and his girlfriend messaged me on Instagram asking me if I was messing around with a guy who had certain initials. I didn’t know how to reply because I had only seen this woman at skateboard events doing photography. She didn’t give up, she kept asking me if he owned a skateboard wheel company, if he was in a certain city close to me, if we were very involved. She then went on to tell me that the two of them had been having an affair for the past five years and he had cheated on her more than three times, telling her every time that it wouldn’t happen again. I had to remind her that she was also cheating with him, both had spouses. She was vulnerable to him, he sweet talked her into thinking that she was the only one that he showered with attention. He did the same to me.
When I confronted him about this he blamed me for reaching out to her. I didn't, it never happened that way, but in his mind he was going to blame me for her finding out about him and I. He blamed me for ruining their relationship, for her no longer speaking with him, for her being upset. I upset her in his eyes. None of that was true. He is a habitual cheater who lies about who he is to other people so that they will look up to him.
Many people wonder why he didn’t skate the Mens Pool Party this past year, he hadn’t been on the list for three years since a bad interaction with another pro skater at the same event, and I remember him saying he was skating it this year. I had a photographers pass to shoot the event. So did his girlfriend. His poor wife was the only one who didn’t know much of anything. And as the truths came out, it came out with a force. He had been cheating with several women, some who wanted nothing to do with the situation because they were in love with this man. One of these women went on to go onto social media and call me a home wrecker because I called him out. Yes, I did wreck a home, and yes I am guilty of that, but in my defense he manipulated the entire situation to make me believe that his marriage was over and there was nothing there. I should have known better than to listen to him, but he charmed the hell out of me.
On the day of the mens pool party his wife received a package at her work. In that package was every dick pick, every message between this mans girlfriend and I, her explaining how they would have virtual sex every morning, how she loved this man so much and how he kept hurting her, how they had been seeing each other for over 5 years. How whenever she would travel here for skateboarding events she would get a room and they would spend the time together having sex and enjoying each other. She actually had a room reserved for the pool party and was looking forward to that time with him up until she found out about me.
She told me that one of us would have to no longer speak to him and she assured me that it would be her. She was done. What she didn’t know is that I was not emotionally attached to this man what so ever, and I had actually seen his narcissism, how I wanted nothing more to do with him, and how I was done. I made that decision right then and there, at Coachella. As soon as he started yelling at me for something I had nothing to do with, and then when I realized after speaking to this woman that this mans wife was very much so still in his life, I was done. I felt guilty over it because it was never my intention to hurt another woman, he lied to me about the status of their relationship, of both of his relationships honestly. Also, she wasn’t done speaking to this man, it took very little time for him to lure her back in. I’ve heard a rumor she isn’t the only photographer he is seeing now.
The last time I saw him was in Venice Beach at the Ladies jam. He was the MC. He skated over to me and put his arm around my waist, I looked at him and said “Do not ever touch me again”. He genuinely looked shocked. As if no woman had ever said that to him before. How dare I? Well the truth is it doesn’t matter who you are, or who you think you are. His true colors were shown to me, and he did that himself. Days before that I realized that I had allowed a sexual predator into my life once again, I blamed myself, and I still do.
Was I wrong? Yes. I was wrong. I should have never engaged in any activity with this man, from the start I should have recognized his type, and I should have blocked him and moved on. What I didn’t realize at the time is that I was still vulnerable. I was in a place in life where I felt very lost. I am in a state where I have very little support, my friends are all back in my home state more than 2200 miles away, and I didn’t give myself a support system to talk to. I have that now. I sought therapy and help after this happened. I have been seeing a therapist for sometime now and we talk about the past sexual assaults in my life, and we talk about this as well.
I have thought of myself as a strong woman for a long time now, but I was wrong. The truth is because I had so many open wounds from my past that I had not dealt with, I was vulnerable. He took advantage of that and he is not remorseful what so ever about it. Instead when he sees that I have interacted with someone he knows, he calls them and tells them to stay away from me as if it is my fault that he is a sexual predator.
I am 100 % certain that this man will do this to another woman more than once in his life. I have heard his relationship with his wife is over, and maybe a part of that is my fault. I sent her the package. I sent her the pictures. I sent her everything that he had ever sent to me. Had he handled things differently with me, I don’t think I would have done that. Had this man taken some accountability for his actions, apologized for using me the way he did, said he was sorry for taking advantage of me, maybe I would have just accepted his apology and moved on. He didn’t chose to handle it that way. He chose to make himself the victim, just like Brett Kavanaugh is doing in the public eye. He decided his own fate.
As a woman who has been through more than one sexual assault I can not stress enough how important it is to get self care, mental health care, and therapy. As hard as it is to talk about it and relive it over and over again, if we don’t get that help we will only set ourselves back in life by our choices and our fear of doing the things that will better our lives. Yesterday I looked at my social media page and I still saw men sharing pictures of half naked women, sexualizing them. I still see people skating for this mans team because he sponsors them, it makes them feel important, but the truth is they are skating for a man who uses women, who sexually takes advantage of women, so if men or women (he has at least one young girl on this team) want to be represented by someone like that, I don’t have the power to tell them its wrong. I just deal with it on a case by case basis, and choose my battles. What I do know is that I know him for who he really is and he certainly isn’t someone who I would want to represent.
Dr. Ford, to you I thank you. You came before the world yesterday in the spotlight and you shared your trauma. Your words had power, and you allowed many other women to come out and share their stories as well. Because of you more women will be seeking help, because of you there is now more awareness on the issue of sexual assault. You are a hero and I thank you.
To the women out there who have been through this, who still fall for men who shower you with attention, and who get hurt all over again and then made out to be your fault. It is not your fault. It is your responsibility to get help and therapy, it is not your responsibility to control the actions of the men who do this over and over again.
At the end of the day what matters is that we can live with ourselves. I can live with what I’ve done, and I accept the blame for my wrongs. The problem is we have these men who believe they can do no wrong, they deserve their dick sucked by whoever they want, and when they get caught cheating on people that they claim they are not involved with they try to turn it around and blame it on the very woman they took advantage of. This needs to stop. These men need to be held accountable for their own actions, their own sexual addictions, their lack of integrity.
To Michelle, I am so sorry. I wish I could go back and take back everything that I did on my part to hurt you, but I can’t do that. What I can do is hope that by sending you what I did your eyes were opened to the deception of a man who you thought was your life partner. There is so much more I could tell you, but I think that I’ve done and said enough. I wish you a beautiful life from here on out, and again, I am so sorry.