The #1 Fear After a Breakup or Divorce and What You Can Do About It

It’s the fear of BEING ALONE.

When ending a relationship, we go through a gamut of emotions. After coaching the brokenhearted for over 10 years, as you can imagine, I’ve seen and heard it all. What I have come to find is that there are very universal feelings, thoughts and emotions that make even the strong,weak.

But, there is one emotion that is by far the most terrifying of all the others. And, that one haunting fear is…the fear of being alone.

For many people just the thought of being alone will cause them to stay in a broken relationship with someone who really isn’t good for them. And, everyone else can see they should run in the other direction.

People try desperately to avoid this fear. The mere thought of being alone can make people feeling secure, anxious and depressed. They replace the loneliness with junk food, shopping, social networks, and addictive behaviors to comfort themselves.

When a relationship ends this fear turns into a double whammy. Your fear becomes a reality because you now find yourself alone and don’t know how to deal with it. Plus, it’s painful to lose someone you love and the loneliness and emptiness is overwhelming.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

Since we are dealing with breakups or divorce the first thing to understand is that your feelings of lonesomeness or loneliness are very normal. You’re used to having someone around all the time and now they’re gone.

Feeling this pain is part of any loss. When we lose someone we love there is an adjustment period. It’s called grieving. Grief is a very natural process that you go through in order to heal. The worst is in the beginning but as time passes so does the pain. It’s not easy, but the good news is you will get through it.

THE SECRET

Once you get beyond the grieving stage and find yourself dealing with “how to” be alone you might be surprised to learn that being alone isn’t as scary as you once thought. There is a joy inherent in the quiet of being alone. It’s why people meditate.

If you are viewing being alone as the-worst-thing-in-the-world, it’s time for a little mindset shift. My guess is that you are a fairly open minded person, right? So instead of viewing it assomething depressing, try this on for size.

This is an opportunity for mental, emotional and spiritual growth in disguise. When you learn how to become emotionally self-sufficient it’s empowering.

Of course it’s going to take some getting used to but any empowering feeling first begins with a thought. If you’re sitting around and telling yourself how horrible this is and how you will never meet anyone again, how do you think that thought is going to make your feel?

On the other hand, there are 124 million single people in the world and it’s up to each individual person to make a decision on how they are going to view being alone.

They can let it tear them apart and ruin their life. Or, they can learn how to embrace it and let it become the very reason they learn to stand on their own two feet and not rely on someone else to make them happy.

WHAT’S THE TRUTH?

If you grow up believing your happiness is based on the belief that your life has no meaning or your life isn’t complete without a relationship — If you believe this, how do you think you will feel if you don’t have a relationship?

Did you ever hear: You grow up, get married and live happily ever after?

Having this belief ingrained in your mind from childhood makes it much harder to dispel. This is one of those times where a mindset shift is crucial in viewing things from a different perspective.

How’s this one: You grow up and live happily ever after whether you have a relationship or not!

That my friends is the place you want to come from…Then when you find yourself without a significant other your life is still good. And, you won’t come off seeming desperate or needy. All of a sudden you will choose a partner out of want, not need.

When you believe your life is great with or without a partner, is when they become the icing on the cake, if you want icing!

Imagine how good you would feel when being alone isn’t something to fear but to enjoy.

Well there is only one path to getting there and it all begins with your thoughts.

BREAKING DOWN YOUR THOUGHTS

Most people think that not having a partner or someone to share their life with causes loneliness.

If being alone is what caused loneliness, then a person in a relationship wouldn’t be able to feel lonely. But we know that’s not the case. There are lots of people who are with the wrong partner and feel very alone.

So, a relationship isn’t the cure for loneliness.

Now we know that being alone isn’t the real reason you feel lonely. Think about it. There are times you do things alone where you’re distracted or preoccupied and you forget about feeling lonely.

There are times that by entertaining yourself you can escape the feelings of being alone. If being alone caused loneliness, then no matter what you were doing you wouldn’t be able to lose these feelings.

THE OTHER ARGUMENT

The argument I most often get is that people believe they are lonely because they just want someone to love and who loves them too and that’s the reason they’re lonely.

Well, you know what I’m going to say. You have lots of people who love you and who you love too. Do you have kids? Parents? Friends? Family? God? So then even though you may think it’s the lack of love that is causing your feelings, well, you DO have love and yet you still feel lonely.

THE REAL TRUTH

So the bottom line is this: If you stop putting so much importance on how wonderful it would be to have a relationship, then you’ll stop these feelings of unhappiness and feeling lonely.

Because the truth is it’s not your circumstances that affect your happiness, it’s your thoughts that do.

Being single or alone doesn’t mean anything. It’s you that gives it meaning by what you “think”about being single or alone.