If I pick up something that burns me, I drop it instinctively. My hand has a logic that’s faster than my brain logic. Feels bad = let go.
I wish I could as easily drop the feeling I get it my gut when I am monumentally let down by someone. Instead, I have to tell myself to let it go. Even then, I keep it nearby. I pick it up later, when it happens another time. Often, with another person.
Some of my most shattering let downs have been paired with the vulnerable state of pregnancy. I drove myself to the hospital, for instance, while having a miscarriage. In another, future pregnancy, while I lay in bed at home with severe preeclampsia, my then-boyfriend snuck off for a gambling spree that went on for days, leaving me alone.
Obviously, those were huge betrayals. And they are in my distant past.
The problem is that sometimes now when I am let down in smaller ways, often unintentional ways, the hurt and anger comes in tidal waves. I know it isn’t logical, but I’ve been catapulted into the past. I am mad about what happened then, what’s happening now. Most of all, I am furious with myself for feeling the want to lean on someone.
A family member I care about is in the hospital out of state, and the combined emotional and logistical wallop has been a lot to bear.
The person I’m involved with promised to be there in whatever way I need.
Then, they got pink eye.
I cannot risk getting pink eye, because, besides the obvious that I can’t risk giving it to my daughter, I also can’t visit my family member in the hospital if I have it.
Obviously, the person I’m with did not mean to get pink eye. They do not want to have pink eye.
Yet, I am teetering between an anger that says, What did you expect, leaning on someone?, and a depression that says, I am so. Freakin’. Alone.
Having been here before, I know I will look back on this and be embarrassed. But life is messy and complicated, and feelings, especially so.
Someday, I will be able to sort out my emotional laundry, separating the past from the present.
In the meantime, I feel let down, and I have a stranglehold on it.