You Want What? Say IT!
There’s nothing more comforting than being able to talk freely with your partner about anything, especially when it comes to what you enjoy sexually. For some, it can be a scary admission that creates too much exposure to their sense of vulnerability. On the other hand, if you have strong trust and open communication that is free from judgment, sharing intimate desires can be a very liberating experience.
Think about an encounter where you wish you had told them to keep going, to stop, or what to do next. Failing to say what you want can create a lot of sexual frustration that sticks with you, even outside the bedroom. Have you ever refrained from providing erotic guidance, only to resent the person afterwards for not knowing what to do? That’s an example of how biting your tongue can actually do more harm, than well, biting your tongue. Open communication needs to be an important element to any experience, from the casual fling to the relationship romp. When you prohibit yourself from expression, sexual or not, you risk bottling up those feelings, only letting them marinate and explode later on, potentially in a negative manner.
So how do we tell our partner? How do we share our deepest desires, fantasies and “definitely nots” with our lover without shame or embarrassment? Between the Sheets went into the streets to ask people how they say what they want.
When asking heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual people about how they position their pleasurable instructions, honesty was the consistent theme, but how you say it, was the changing variable.
“I suggested she watch some porn, girl on girl and a guy action,” says Ana from Newport Beach, CA, a bisexual woman who talked about her encounter with an inexperienced girl. “She seemed into it. If you want to do something you’re unfamiliar with, like anal, for example, then there isn’t a reason why you shouldn’t educate yourself in all forms.”
Porn is becoming an even bigger topic of conversation lately with the rise of technological capabilities, such as virtual reality and life-like toys. Take advantage of the available information and take it from the experts. Watch and learn, then experiment with your partner.
“Make it a sweet, playful little game of show and tell,” says Michelle, a heterosexual woman from Westchester, NY. “Take his hand or touch yourself while they watch so they see what you like.”
Mutual masturbation or being a voyeur of your lover is incredibly erotic so ease into this if you’re a little shy. Tell them you want to watch, or what you want to see how they like certain things. Start slow, maybe with how they want to be kissed and work your way to the more intense questions. Being able to bond on this intimacy level doesn’t have to be raunchy dirty talk. Rather, it’s a method for a deeper connection that should create excitement, both inside your brain and in your pants.
Straight and gay males also shared the same honest sentiments.
“Guys are super sexual beings”, says Josh, a gay male from Kokomo, IN. “In my experience, it’s been a way to connect from the very beginning. We enjoy talking about sex and learning what each other likes and dislikes. First, it’s a turn on to know what he likes, and second, I want to make sure we get the most out of the experience. If I’m getting bad head, for example,and they’re using their teeth, I will not hesitate to say, ‘dude, watch your teeth!’.”
Michael, a straight male from New York, NY said the same thing about being upfront with his partner. He prefers to use words of encouragement as a way to steer her in the right direction.
“Baby, harder with your hand, omg that feels so good, more saliva, yea, like that, and I can’t wait to fuck you.”
Dirty talk like this can be very encouraging, talking about what’s actually happening, sharing what you’re feeling, and sensually telling your partner how they can do it better are great ways to make sure pleasure is had by all. Pleasure is fun and the way you give and receive should be fun, as well.
“I’ve used the ‘sex bucket list’ approach,” describes Michelle, a straight woman from San Diego, CA. “Bucket list items aren’t necessarily what you’re into or like all the time, but they generally give you good clues as to where a person leans. I like to start by sharing something just a little unusual about me to make the other person feel comfortable sharing without freaking them out. Generally I think it’s more fun and less pressure to talk about what you want through stories, rather than to sit down and have a serious conversation about it.”
No matter what you say, be sure to say it in the right manner. This isn’t the time to be sarcastic or condescending; be genuine. Sex is exciting, and even more so if your mind is turned on, as well.
People have become more free and open to communicating so it’s better to just be upfront and honest than to stay silent when you can share much appreciated assistance. If you’re a true giver, putting your partner’s needs ahead of yours should be a top priority and vice versa. Confidence is sexy and feeling confident that you’re able to feel pleasure and pleasure someone else can be extremely gratifying. So if you want something, just ask for it!