Maybe the Solving is in the Living


The last 10 years (or so) of my life have embodied the quote: “Nothing happens. Nothing happens. And then everything happens.”

Let me explain.

Sometimes I find myself living this type-A life, hopping from one task to the next, checking off items on my to-do list, trying to maintain while also trying to excel… and I. FEEL. EXHAUSTED.

I over think. I overanalyze my role and purpose in life… in this rat race that can somehow masquerade itself as Life. But Life is not fickle. Life doesn’t wear you down. Life’s that friend that calls you on a Friday night and comes over with takeout to just talk and let you be you. Life has no agenda. Life is just life. He’s just being himself.

So…

Even though I understand that Life has my best interest at heart, how is it, I mean, HOW IS IT, that I end up pissing him off?

Like clockwork. It never fails.

I can’t get it right.

I fall short.

“Nothing happens. Nothing happens. And then everything happens.”

I come from a broken home. Not like broken, temporarily out of service broken, but broken permanently. Torn at the seams. But I’ve never viewed my brokenness as irreparable. I’ve always remained optimistic. There’s a work around to everything, right?

I’ve trained myself to accept the love I deserve. To be prepared to recognize and receive it if and when it comes. All you need to do is work hard, Sarah. You’re beautiful. You’ll be ok. Any man would be lucky to have you.

And I fed myself these words. I whispered the mantra in my weak moments. I followed my routine. And as time and prayer would have it, I met “Him.”

“Nothing happens. Nothing happens. And then everything happens.”

He quelled the voices of doubt with his very existence. And as I grew to love more than just the idea of him, I let myself bask in the glory of possibility.

And it felt good. Actually, it felt amazing. It was the euphoric feeling of belonging. Of suturing the brokenness. What once felt heavy, was beginning to feel light.

And in these moments of enlightenment, I tried to be the best me for you, instead of trying to be the best me for me. I began to calculate how to get to my happy ending in the fastest way possible. And in that process, I stopped organically loving. My insecurities got the best of me.

Oh, Life. You quiet fool. You tricked me again.

“Nothing happens. Nothing happens. And then everything happens.”

Self sabotage is the most comfortable place in the world to me. It’s my Narnia and it’s my prison. And in all my effort to solve issues in my life, I have not yet been able to figure out how, even though I can recognize true love, it’s painful for me to accept it.

But maybe the solving is in the living.

Naturally, pain is a part of the process.

But I’m tired of hurting. I want to do better. I want to be better.

I don’t want nothing to keep happening. I know I don’t NEED everything to happen. But it sure would be nice. And at a minimum, if he’d happen to me again, that would be A ok too.

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