People really ought to know you can’t heal a broken heart.

The most you can do is mend it, but it won’t be the same heart it once was and it will never quite love in the same way again. That’s not to say you won’t love again, it’s more like you won’t love that way again.

Current status: surrounded by blankets, cigarettes, more colouring books than Michael’s, Kleenex, every electronic device known to man and my broken heart slumped over all of it.

There’s nothing that can prepare you for the ending of your first love. No matter who you are, what you do or how you do you. The agony of the loss of your first love immobilizes you and prevents all the typical go-to feel goods to work.

Suddenly you are that weeping person standing in front of the auto parts isle in Walmart mumbling whyyyyyy in between sobs. Or that person who finds themselves in the car in the driveway lost in memories, sobbing and utterly forgetting why you are in the car in the first place.

You can’t eat. You can’t sleep. You can’t think. You become nothingness. Outside scares you. Your bed is off limits. You are ok-ish one second and a sobbing mess the next. You have zero control and not even chocolate tastes good.

You think and think and think. Why? How? Is this for real? Only to have an answer to the one

People start saying stupid things like “it’s ok you’ll find some one better”…..Better? Who asked for better?

Or “you’ll look back on this and wonder why you even cried about this”... Really? Do you really believe that, because I think you are full of shit.

I suppose they mean well, but honestly..fuck off.

Give me substance and reality “this sucks, its gonna hurt, you’ll never be the same, but time will lessen the pain” Don’t give me these Mary Poppins, I’m so happy I could stick an umbrella up my ass and smile statements. Give me raw. Give me real. Or don’t give me anything at all.

Like with any other loss its grief, and grief takes time. I get it.

Try telling that to my aching heart that just won’t let go.

Eventually I’ll have a heart in one piece but it will have patched up holes, scars all over and perhaps a little shrinkage. It won’t be healed just mended. That’s the best one could hold for in situations like this.

Current status: still surround, one or two tears flowing and possibly ready to attempt a nap for the first time in days.

Good night, Medium. It’s been a pleasurable distraction from the misery and the madness.