Mask Off- A Glimpse of My Truth
As frustrating as it is to not have a grasp on my emotions around my menstrual cycle, it gives me time to feel and think about things I normally suppress.
I live a significant of my days in fear. Of what?
Unrequited love. So much so that I wear indifference like it’s my favorite pair of pumps. I’m afraid to share how I really feel because what if those feelings are rejected? What if it pushes someone I care about away?
Although I internally desire closeness with others, the mere thought of that closeness gives me significant anxiety
I fear abandonment. I have an anxious avoidant/dismissive attachment style. Although I internally desire closeness with others, the mere thought of that closeness gives me significant anxiety. In a perfect world I’d want to rely on others for support or help. My truth is that I simply don’t. I expect the worst and hope for the best.
I tend to shy away from excessive social settings. I’m fearful of being the weirdo analyzing everyone’s behavior. Because in my conversations with people I’ve learned that everyone has a story. And there’s more to them than what meets the eye.
I fear losing in life. Losing in career-losing in success. What I identify as privilege was earned, my education. Everything that came as result of acquiring education was through hard work. Coupled with my fear of losing in life. I fear disappointing my parents. The place great ol USA has coined as the “poorest country in the Western Hemisphere,” Haiti, is home for my family. My parents migrated here, took on lowly jobs, attempted to assimilate to the “American Way,” endured humiliation ALL so I can have a better life. I literally can’t afford to reciprocate their journey with failure.
With these fears come immense pressure. A pressure which sometimes is the fuel my vehicle needs. Other times, it’s a nail in my tire causing me to go nowhere fast.
I do my best at juggling it all. It’s the reason why I smile so hard, work so hard, champion for the voiceless so hard, and become reclusive to reset my energy a lot harder.
Standing in My Truth