I am still and have been processing my last entry since it was written and tonight I was met with the reason why I was so hesitant to share Entry V. She is, in fact, the mother-load and what an avalanche she has created.
I don’t expect my writing to be clear right now, but my thoughts are so rapid and nagging, I have to get them down.
It’s been fascinating to me to actively participate while watching myself grow. It’s been absolutely astounding to me how one discovery leads to two more, then four, then eight and so-on.
I realized tonight that I have been so afraid of my thoughts and feelings founded in my last entry that my brain has literally been keeping me from these fears. Isn’t that incredible? Our brains are so good at what they do that they protect us from the unknown we can’t handle and we don’t even necessarily have knowledge of our own deepest fears. They are buried within our subconscious. Our minds will go through great lengths to protect us from feeling our fears and these thoughts will only be unleashed when the mind is prepared and ready to receive the drastic, fearsome information.
This is what I’ve felt within me since writing Entry V. Pardon my language, but it has released a shit-storm in my brain to the point that I wish I could stop it. But I can’t. My mind. She’s ready…even if I’m not…so here we go. No more fear, no more hiding.
I’m afraid of love. I’m so afraid of it I now have to accept that I have crafted my entire adult life to avoid love. I always had an inkling in my gut that this is why I picked up and moved every 3–14 months in my 20s, but now I know it to be fact.
Yea, I was definitely always chasing work within my field. I’m proud to be able to say that I have survived as a self-sustaining free-lance artist. That is my bar of success — am I doing the thing I love to do solely and making a living? Yes! And as a singer, that ain’t no easy thing. But, tired of singing “Sweet Home Alabama” (my most loathed tune ever), my new bar of success has become to make a living as Cousin Earth. Creative, original work that is a collaboration and a true, true labor of love.
You see I never meant to stay in New York City. I came here to sublet a room from a college friend. He had gotten a 2-month acting gig and wanted someone he knew staying in his room with his personal things he would be coming back to. In fact, he wanted me in that room so much he actually paid for half of my stay up-front and we agreed that I would pay him back as I could. I had no artistic work prospects at the time and it was going to be audition season in NYC, so against my better judgement I decided to move to one of the most expensive cities in the world with no money. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that’s correct. This girl moved to NYC $800 in the hole and has somehow managed within her 4 years here to find her way out of student loan debt by this Fall. I am proud — I have done it through nothing but hard work and persistence alone.
And I stayed…I stayed. Don’t think I didn’t try hard to run. At about 18 months into my NYC journey I was ready to blow this popsicle stand. But I stayed. There was too much keeping me here. I’ve always love/hated NYC, but I couldn’t go. Maybe this is why, this discovery. Maybe my subconscious knew this place could help me understand the fears it had been protecting me from for so long. Now that I know it has, I have a newfound respect and love for this concrete jungle I call home.
My pattern of running has allowed me to love others as fully as I possibly can while, you guessed it, keeping them at an arms length knowing my time with them is finite. Oh well my contract is 6-months, so don’t get too attached. This somehow has worked incredibly to my advantage. I have friends all over the world that I adore, that I would welcome into my home in a heartbeat and that would do the same for me. How freaking cool? I’ve realized it’s some sort of drug to me — getting to know people quickly and intensely all the while understanding that in a few short months or weeks we will go our separate ways and that bond will last, but never be as close or intense.
Is this how I processed being taken away from the biological thing that smelled like me when I was born? Never hearing the voices again that I knew so well from my gestation period? I wonder if maybe that’s why I’ve grasped onto music my entire life…sound. I’ve always, always found comfort in familiar sound.
I’m not sure I will ever be able to answer the above question, but damn I wish somebody would. I now regret not being a scientist…someone has to do this work! Remember, adoption is found even within the animal kingdom across species, clearly it is something we should know more about.
A piece of me wants to be ashamed with my behavior in running from love, but I’m not. And honestly I never really ran from love, I ran with it. Regardless, it all has led me here and what an incredible journey it has been. I know the best people in this world and let me tell ya something, if you feel the same you are doing something right.
I may venture at this point to say these past few weeks have been some of the most difficult, but by far the most rewarding. There was a direct impetus and catalyst that caused me to finally face all these fears inside of me. For that catalyst, I am grateful. The amount of beauty and love I’ve chosen to observe and participate in this week has been ineffable to say the least and I am so excited for the day soon when I can experience this beauty and love fully 100% of the time.