Our Brackets Are So Worthless

We’ve played two rounds of the NCAA tournament, and tickets have been punched to the Sweet Sixteen. To get from 64 teams to 16 though, we’ve had a godsend of hilarious upsets hell-bent on ruining every single one of our brackets. (Like, the number of grown adults crying in the office bathroom is reaching Wall Street circa 2008 levels.) Anyway, here’s why.

#1: No. 15 Middle Tennessee 90 — No. 2 Michigan State 81

Because there’s no understating this upset, one of the biggest in NCAA history. Even though they were a No. 2 seed, more money was on Michigan State to win the whole tournament than any other team. Instead, the Spartans collapsed at the feet of a relatively unknown rival in the first round. Grown men sobbed in cubicles across America on Friday, slowly hand-shredding their worthless brackets.

Middle Tennessee then lost to Syracuse over the weekend because nothing is real anymore. #MarchMadness

Wisconsin puts Xavier to bed.

#2: No. 7 Wisconsin 66 — No. 2 Xavier 63

Because who else hit a buzzer beater (above) than Wisconsin guard Bronson Koenig? He’d been in shooting slump all tournament until this fadeaway three from the corner with 2 seconds left. The Badgers upset Xavier to advance to the Sweet Sixteen. Because your bracket is worthless.

#3: No. 2 Oklahoma 85 — No. 10 VCU 81

Because, okay, no surprise Oklahoma won this one. But check out thismassive performance from the Sooners’ Buddy Hield. Dude scored 29 of 36 points in the second half. Smart money’s now on Hield winning the Wooden, basically the MVP of college basketball.

#4: No. 3 Texas A&M 92 — No. 11 Northern Iowa 88

Because this was the biggest comeback of all time? I have no idea, because I watched it with my eyes closed fearing the start of the apocalypse. Down 12 points with 44 seconds remaining, A&M charged back to tie it. Two overtimes later, they finally put down Northern Iowa, who had just beat No. 6-seed Texas in the first round. That’s a new record for largest comeback in the final minute, btw.

This is what fate looks like.

#5: No. 6 Notre Dame 76 — No. 14 Stephen F. Austin 75

Because any of you chumps who picked SFA to advance just got your comeuppance. In the first round, Stephen F. Austin beat West Virginia, who was expected to make it deep into the tournament. But predictions that SFA would be the Cinderella were false: they fell to Notre Dame in another buzzer beater loss. Because your bracket is so incredibly worthless.

So how’s that bracket going?

Like, Batman vs. Super Man bad. Of the 13 million brackets submitted, 0.2 were right after the first day, and none were right after Day 2. In fact, on a good day you probably had a 1 in 2.5 trillion chance of getting it right. That’s 0.0000000000004% before Michigan State lost in the first round. So the answer is unimaginably bad.

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